April 21, 2003

Air Raid Siren

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 21, 2003

A local man who used an air raid siren to stun his political opponents into submission has had it confiscated by local police.

"My detractors never let me get a word in edgeways," the man identified as Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate Ron told police. "So I crank up the siren and let it rip for a few minutes. It works every time at the debates. Afterwards, it's real quiet again...with me in the cat-bird's seat."

A police spokesman said neighbors had complained at the noise from the 220-volt device, believed to be an old-fashioned air raid siren. When not at out of town debates, the siren was mounted to the roof of Ron's garage. "It keeps the pigeons away," smiled Ron in a wry manner.

Brad, Ron's political companion of over 10 years, said he sometimes had to yell to get his attention. "Ron is a stubborn mule so I have to get loud."

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April 09, 2003

Doggie Bags

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 9, 2003 Two men who authorities say used dog feces to settle a grudge may have stepped into something themselves. Jersey City prosecutors authorized littering charges against Ronatarian running-mates Ron and Brad. The two denied all allegations. "We didn't do nothing!" exclaimed Ron from his party headquarters. "I was home with Ron the entire time," said Brad. State police from the local post say the suspects threw 40 plastic bags filled with dog feces and toilet paper on the roadway in front of another person's house. The harassed individual was not identified. No motive was given. "These charges are ludicrous... We don't have access to that much dog poopie," said Brad. Authorities tell a different story. "We'll wait until all the evidence comes in and this thing gets a hearing," read Sgt. Guy Fawkes in a prepared statement. Troopers told the New Jersey Spew that the campaign began in February and extended through March. The suspects each face a $150 fine.

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April 02, 2003

Bullshit & Cow Pies

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 2, 2003

A New Jersey artist/inventor/politician who turned wandering cows into poets (see "Cow Poetry") wants to expand his repertoire to include cow dung wrist watches.

"Artists are always looking for new materials and I was struck by the similarities in the consistency of the manure to my paints," said Ron, a presidential candidate from his own Ronatarian Party. "I used sheep droppings at first but they were too small, so I switched to cow dung."

Ron said the idea came to him as he walked through a mound-filled March Field (Lafayette College, Easton, Pa.) ten years ago. He lets the cowpats dry out over a few weeks before sculpting, painting, or lacquering them.

He said animals fed on fresh grass produced the best pats, but other foods made for interesting varieties. "Cows fed on carrots and turnips produce a reddish dung, which looks quite different from the normal material. I tried to put some cows on a 'liquid diet,' but the Milwaukee's Best just gave them the 'Hershey Squirts.'"

His trademark clocks cost $140, and he said wrist watches and even alarm clocks may soon appear.

"They are really quite unique and lose only 7 minutes every 36 hours," he said. "My timepieces make a perfect gift for birthdays and bar mitzvahs."

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April 01, 2003

Urban Dictionary

Urban Dictionary This is the place where Ron gets his rightful place in the dictionary. Don't forget to vote for your favorite Ron definition.

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