March 31, 2003

Pork Chops

Pork Chops

Somerville, New Jersey: March 31, 2003

A man accused of savagely stabbing a pet pig, then blurting out in drunkenness that he wanted pork chops, will be tried on charges of animal cruelty. The punishment could be a substantial fine plus up to 90 days in jail.

The enigmatic N8 injured the 50-pound Vietnamese potbellied pig so severely in the incident that it had to be killed because one stab wound left it unable to walk.

Prosecutors said N8 made drunken, belligerent comments to sheriff's deputies. One deputy stated N8 was covered in blood and had pig feces all over him when he said, "I cut it, so what?"

Assistant State Attorney Cynthia Simpson said that even if slaughtering the pig for a meal, it was not being done quickly and painlessly. None of three stab wounds was near a major organ or across the neck, she said.

N8's attorneys -- from the firm of Sepe & Shea -- maintain that a neighbor, whom they repeatedly referred to as "Big Bad Bonadio," was the one who plunged a rusty knife into the pig. N8 later tried to sever the squealing pig's carotid artery to humanely put it out of its misery, but the blade was too dull, his attorneys maintained.

No date has been set for hearing.

N8 is already on probation in Somerset County for previous acts of animal cruelty involving goldfish and hamsters.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:22 PM

March 19, 2003

Sneakers

Montpelier, Vermont: March 19, 2003 A New Jersey man walked away with the top prize of a $500 savings bond on Tuesday in the annual Rotten Sneaker contest. But thirty-something Ron says he's not taking full credit for the sneakers, which stumped a judge in the "heels" category because they didn't have any heels left. The Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate says his neighbor's poodle helped make his entry the winner. "I had a fight with the dog," said Ron, who operates out of Jersey City, and advanced from the local competition held there last November. "I was trying to get it away from him because he uses it as a chew toy. A quick hit on the head with a hammer taught that canine whose shoe was whose." The event also included some international competition when an entry came in from the crew of the USS Montpelier submarine. The sneaker arrived double-bagged from an undisclosed location in the Persian Gulf where the submarine is currently deployed. The shoe arrived with an unmistakable odor of fish. Contest organizers gave the military shoe an honorary title of "most rotten sneaker." "That's a weapon of mass destruction right there," said commentator Dave Moody, who moderated the 28th annual contest. "Even with that military shoe, Ron's entry was by far the winner. It was horribly wonderful," said Moody. The rotten sneaker contest began in 1975 as a way to help a local sporting goods store sell shoes.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:49 PM | TrackBack

March 18, 2003

Horse's Ass

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 18, 2003 A judge on Friday blocked a tongue-in-cheek ballot measure targeting the well-known supporter of several "anti-social" initiatives. The initiative would have allowed voters in November to decide whether local politico Ron is "a horse's ass." Joshua Howard, a critic of Ron, contends his initiative had a serious goal of prompting discussion about how Ron and others may be abusing the political process. Ron has supported initiatives including a rollback of affirmative action, property tax limits, the "Bilingual Cheese Manifesto," and "Porn for Tots." James Phallis, an attorney for the state, had argued against the initiative, calling it "a verbal whoopee cushion" and not the stuff of legislation. Judge Gary "Bobo" Tabor agreed, saying the proposed initiative was "outside the power given the people" and was "clearly an attempt to degrade or punish" Ron. Howard, a small business owner, promised an appeal. Ron said he finds it "richly ironic" that Howard protests what he considers frivolous initiatives, and then complains when a judge does the same. "Howard's a moron," said Ron. "He makes everyone around him dumber. His life is meaningless." Howard had considered putting forth an alternative measure that he said would be more legislative in nature. It would declare every Feb. 4 to be "Ron is a Horse's Ass Day." Feb. 4, 2003, is the day select newspapers published alleged Ron's confession to that he shifted about $3,500 from campaign contributions into a salary fund for himself. He flatly denies the issues brought forward in the article. "What hogwash!" Ron commented. It's legal for a campaign consultant to take a salary, if properly reported, but Ron had insisted he wasn't profiting from his initiatives. Note: An unofficial holiday attributed to Ron is Ronstache Day, which is held annually on October 30.

Posted by Webmaster at 11:16 PM | TrackBack

March 17, 2003

Fish Sticks

Somerville, New Jersey: March 17, 2003 Local police apprehended world enigma N8 as he torched stolen goldfish with a homemade flame-thrower, police said on Wednesday. They discovered the odd character roasting the fish with a device made from a water pistol, a cigarette lighter, and a stolen gas canister. "It was a lethal contraption. He was jolly lucky it didn't explode in his face," said a police spokesman. Locals had alerted police on Tuesday after noticing a fire in a yard in the small town. Police confiscated the flame-thrower, but were too late to save the goldfish, which were stolen from a neighbor's pond. N8 is already on probation in Somerset County for previous acts of animal cruelty.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:40 PM | TrackBack

March 13, 2003

Hamster Abuse

Hamster Abuse

Somerville, New Jersey: March 13, 2003:

A man caught torturing hamsters he had just bought from a pet store has been sentenced to three years probation.

N8 -- the enigmatic man who is wanted for odd crimes worldwide -- was also ordered Friday to undergo substance abuse and psychiatric counseling as part of the plea bargain he reached with Somerset County authorities.

Somerville is located southwest of Newark between Plainfield and Raritan along Highway 22 near the Raritan River. What he is doing back in the country -- and in New Jersey -- is a mystery to authorities.

In an odd twist, the Somerset County judge in charge of N8's case ruled that he is now pardoned from all past discretions both here and abroad when he completes his punishment. According to all pertinent documents, his ruling is just and valid. After his service to the county, N8 will be a free man no longer on the lam.

N8 initially was charged with animal cruelty and then faced drug possession after police found 18 vials of cough syrup on him when he was arrested.

N8 was charged this week after a Watchung pet store employee saw him squeezing the hamster. Authorities said N8 also clipped the hamsters' teeth so it wouldn't bite him. The New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals pushed police to search N8's hotel room and found two dwarf hamsters there.

Officials said one of the hamsters died after it was bruised and its teeth were damaged by nail clippers. The second hamster survived and, along with the hamster from the pet store case, was adopted by Richard Merz, a deputy chief of the state's Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:54 PM

Most Valuable Mustache

Most Valuable Mustache Most Valuable Mustache Vote on the race for the best mustache. Ron would have won this one hands down.

Posted by Webmaster at 04:06 AM | TrackBack

March 11, 2003

Pooper Scooper

Frankfort, Kentucky: March 11, 2003 A man who slipped on dog feces and hurt his ankle while he was shopping at a Petsmart store deserves a jury trial, the Kentucky Court of Appeals ruled Friday. The Boone Circuit Court granted Petsmart a summary judgment in September 2001, and dismissed U.S. vice presidential candidate Brad's claim that store owners were negligent in his fall. The story was kept under wraps for almost two years to protect the semi-public figure's image in the community. Brad was in Frankfort briefly in 2000 campaigning on the Ronatarian Party ticket. Brad had testified in the original case that he was shopping at the store "for a friend" and never expected animal feces or urine on the floor. He told the court that on August 23, 2000, he was shopping at the store, and was not looking where he was going when he stepped in the feces and slipped. Petsmart argued that because Brad acknowledged the feces was out in the open and he could not say how fresh it was, they should not be responsible for his fall. The store also maintained that since "he presumably has a head on his shoulders," he should have been aware that animals were permitted to walk around with their owners. The appellate court disagreed with the circuit court's decision to dismiss the case. In a 3-0 decision, the court ruled there are enough questions that a jury should decide the outcome of the case. "It is wholly reasonable for a customer to be perusing merchandise on shelves lining the aisles through which he is walking instead of focusing solely on the surface beneath his feet," the court ruled. "Additionally, Petsmart's duty to keep its premises in a reasonably safe condition must be examined and evaluated in light of the special nature of the risks to customer safety inevitably created by the presence of animals." Brad would not comment on the ruling; although he smiled up exiting the courthouse.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:20 PM | TrackBack

March 10, 2003

Short Fuse

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 10, 2003 Ronatarian Party founder Ron hung his latest hunting trophy on the wall of his party's headquarters and store. (The HQ doubles as a souvenir/sandwich shop when funds are low.) Then he went to jail. The problem was the trophy was Ron's laptop computer. He shot it four times, as customers watched, after it crashed once too often. He was jailed on suspicion of felony menacing, reckless endangerment, and the prohibited use of weapons. He was later released with dropped charges by the sympathetic Jersey City Police. Reports from the precinct indicate that many of the cops pity Ron and hate computers. "It's sort of funny, because everybody always threatens their computers," said police Lt. Rick Bashor, seconds before his own police computer froze at police headquarters. "With Ron, we knew about his short fuse. We figured something like this might happen sometime. He put no one in direct harm with his actions." Ron was released Thursday evening after playing a round of canasta with the local police on duty at the station. In unofficial police reports, Ron said that he realized afterward that he shouldn't have shot his computer but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:43 PM | TrackBack

March 06, 2003

Toilet Art

Santa Fe, New Mexico: March 6, 2003 A new art project in Santa Fe has the southwestern city talking toilets. "The Path of the Painted Potties," a project where people try to turn toilets into works of art, is intended to educate residents about the desert town's scarce water supply, raise money for water conservation, and promote a floundering presidential campaign. Starting March 15, residents who pay $50 will receive a "sanitized and disabled potty" and then have six weeks to decorate it. The idea was actually proposed by a New Jersey man famous for outrageous actions: Ron. The Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate has had a life-long love affair with the commode. "I just thought it would be a good way to say 'thank you' to a wonderful piece of technology," said Ron. "I do some of my best thinking on the can... In fact, that's where I got this idea." Some 200 toilet creations will be displayed throughout the city, with the winning commode to be auctioned off in June at the grand finale called the "Potty Pageant." But why in New Mexico? "We wanted to increase awareness about water conservation in New Mexico, but do it in a fun and creative way," said Karen House, a member the Santa Fe Rotary Club, which is co-sponsoring the potty project along with the local chapter of the Ronatarian Party. Ron added, "Ever have those green chilis? I have. Once. In Santa Fe. If you don't celebrate the toilet after a round of green chilis, you aren't human."

Posted by Webmaster at 11:14 PM

March 04, 2003

Courtesy Flush

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 4, 2003

Four years ago, when his mother couldn't bend over to lower the toilet seat, Ron sprang into action.

First, he put the seat down for her. Then he began work on a tool to help people with similar dilemmas, a gizmo to assist them in raising and lowering the lid.

Ron named his invention the "Courtesy Flush," and once it's manufactured, it will sell for $24.95.

"You really have to use it to appreciate it," Ron said.

His mother was recovering from a rare double-hemorrhoid surgery when she had her encounter with the toilet, so when she yelled for his help, Ron feared she had suffered a massive inflammatory attack.

That wasn't her problem.

"Mama was holding the hand rail, and asked, 'Would you f*cking please put this f*cking seat f*cking down for me?'" Ron said.

The device is a contoured rod with a hook for the lid on one end and a handle on the other. It might look simple, but Ron struggled with several variations before settling on the final version.

"You ought to see some of the crude drawings I first came up with," he said. "After I applied the Second Law of Thermodynamics, it all came together. The LaGrange Transforms were tough to get through at times, but I bore down and got the needed work done. I couldn't be prouder. ...And Mama can use the can on her own now whenever the mood should strike her."

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March 03, 2003

Man-Based Legislation

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 3, 2003 A wanna-be New Jersey politician suggested to state legislators on Tuesday that it was time to create a commission to study what has gone wrong for the American male. After raising the notion of creating a "Commission on the Status of Men" from the balcony of the New Jersey legislature, Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron told reporters: "Some people might think that it's not a serious issue, but I think it is. It's time we start studying this and find out, 'Are we neglecting our young male population out there? How can we cater more establishments to the needs of the male populace?'" Ron said he raised the alarm because of statistics showing higher school drop-out rates among boys compared to girls, and men's lower college graduation rates. He said the problem may be an emphasis on sports among boys instead of academic pursuits. He would also like to see more strip joints and topless restaurants near his northern New Jersey headquarters. In response, Republican Sen. Marianne Lardby rose to say simply: "Finally. Finally, after 200 some years." Lardby said men had it pretty good for centuries and she jokingly welcomed men "to the club." "I think this Ron fellow didn't get enough caffeine this morning," Lardby added. "Women for many, many, many generations have been encouraged to stay away from mathematics, to stay away from chemistry and any of the sciences, to find a husband (and) raise a family." "Right," Ron replied. "So what's the friggin' problem, honey?" Ron continued, "...Man is king of his castle. But when the queen starts grating on his nerves, he needs a sanctuary where he can recharge his spent batteries." He went on to say that the needs of his gender outweigh those of the fairer sex. "C'mon guys, let's find a legally subsidized way to give us more pleasure," he concluded.

Posted by Webmaster at 11:43 PM | TrackBack

Snoop Dog - The Shizzolator

Snoop Snoop Dog - The Shizzolator Snoop rips off Mista T's translator site n' shit. Ron loves ta use this site prepare fo' tha dude's speeches, know what I'm sayin'?

Posted by Webmaster at 04:09 AM