May 30, 2003

Ron Monkey

We received this as an anonymous submission. This monkey surely was inspired by Ron. It's just another example of Ron's influence in and around the animal kingdom.

Posted by Webmaster at 12:35 AM | TrackBack

May 29, 2003

The Beer Test

Jersey City, New Jersey: May 29, 2003

Seeking to gauge the personality and character of new next-door neighbor Robert Lundbeck, Ronatarian Party founder Ron surreptitiously subjected him to a beer test Monday.

"You can learn an awful lot about a fella by the way he drinks his beer," said Ron, a 3-year-resident of Cockstiff Road. "And based on what I've seen from Robert, he's a pretty all-right guy. ...A little light on the body hair, but decent enough."

Ron, who ritualistically administers beer tests to all new male arrivals to Cockstiff Road, invited Lundbeck over to share a six-pack of Becks. He used the seemingly innocuous, welcome-to-the-block gesture as a means of secretly gathering valuable information about the newcomer.

"Robert not only accepted the offer to drink with me, but he held his own, drinking three of the six beers," Ron said. "I actually wanted a fourth, but he beat me to it... He doesn't put his beer in a glass, so he's not some fancy wine-and-cheese guy, but he also says he's never shotgunned a beer in his life, so he's not a party hound. He still hasn't mentioned anything about having a favorite beer, which makes me suspect he's more of a hard-liquor kind of guy. Nothing wrong with that, though."

Ron said he meticulously plans his beer tests, leaving no detail left to chance.
"On a first meeting, I always bring something neutral like Becks in cans," Ron said. "It's an import, so it says 'I care about beer,' but since it's in cans, it says 'I'm no snob.' If you bring anything too fancy or too cheap, it tips the study too far in one direction."

Ron said the test also gives him a sense of how the new neighbor will fit into the larger Cockstiff Road beer-drinking community.

"We're a pretty tight unit, so how a new neighbor responds to an offer of beer goes a long way toward deciding whether he'll become a regular at Saturday night cockfighting get-togethers," Ron said. "That's why I met Robert one-on-one instead of with [Ronatarian running mate] Brad, Ed [Perrin], and the rest of the gang. Having someone like Ed around could skew the subject's reactions, because he can be a little rough when he's been drinking all afternoon."

According to Ron, Lundbeck has proven he is not a beer snob and is willing to "kick back a few," but it remains to be seen whether he shares Ron's deep, abiding passion for beer.

"The other day, I happened to notice that Robert had a refrigerator in his garage-always a good sign," Ron said. "But when he opened it, I saw it was full of Coors Light. I figured he must be a namby-pamby light-beer kind of guy, but then he blew my theory clear out of the water when he told me the beer was left over from a bridal shower his wife had thrown. It was a relief, to be sure, but it still raised more questions than it answered."

Determined to learn more about Lundbeck, Ron said he plans to test him in other beer-related situations, including Cricket (darts) Night at P.U.'s Tavern and a backyard barbecue with fellow Ronatarian Party members.

If he cuts the mustard, Ron will bring in neighbor Chris Boston to administer the Guinness/Corona standardized test to answer any remaining questions about Lundbeck's psychological profile.

"Next time we get together, I may have to bring out the Mad Dog 20/20 or peach schnapps," Ron said. "Sometimes, the way a man carries himself outside of the beer circle tells you the most about the kind of beer drinker he is."

Ron said he hopes to conclude the beer test by the end of this month. He then plans to move into Phase Two of his neighbor-evaluation project, closely observing Lundbeck's reaction to such stimuli as bratwurst, pictures of lingerie models, and conversations about 1960s American muscle cars.

Phase Two is tentatively scheduled for June 3 at the Jersey Bowl-a-Rama.

Posted by Ron at 11:23 PM | TrackBack

May 21, 2003

Elephants Never Forget

Hanoi, Vietnam: May 21, 2003 A drunk American tourist who ran into an elephant he didn't see standing in the street was injured when the animal picked him up and tossed him aside, an official said Monday. The man known worldwide only as N8 was rushed to a hospital after Saturday's attack, said the official of Buon Don tourist site in Daklak province, some 220 miles northeast of Ho Chi Minh City. He suffered three broken ribs and bruises on his face and body, a doctor at the hospital in Ho Chi Minh City said. N8 was among a group of tourists from Ho Chi Minh City. He stumbled out of a restaurant when he heard a 7-year-old boy wailing on the ground after tripping, said the official who identified himself only as Dung. N8 didn't see the full-grown elephant - one of several dozen owned by villagers in the area - and he ran into it. The animal lifted him up with its trunk and pitched him several meters. Dung said it was the first incident in the area of a tourist attacked by an elephant. He added that only an imbecile could pull a stunt like that. It was later determined that N8 had been drinking Mai Tais, beers, vodka, gin, and some sort of nasal congestant pretty heavily all afternoon. No charges were pressed against the injured man. Buon Don is a popular site among foreign and local tourists, where they can ride elephants and visit ethnic minority groups living in the area.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:27 PM | TrackBack

May 19, 2003

Nipguards

Nipguards - Protection Against Painful Nipple Abrasion. Ron wears these when he goes out on the town. Also a personal favorite of our own Tony Shea.

Posted by Ron at 03:56 AM | TrackBack

Name That 'Stache

These disturbing comparison photos were recently submitted by an anonymous source. Can you guess which 'stache above is Ron's?

To make it more difficult to cheat, we're placing this nice picture of a woman driver to distract you before you see the answers.

Saddam Hussein

Barzan Ibrahim Hasan

Qusay Saddam Hussein

Ron?

Posted by Webmaster at 12:30 AM | TrackBack

May 10, 2003

Fat Star Wars Kid

Some kid used a video camera at his school to record his Star Wars fighting skills, then failed to remove the cassette. It didn't take long for the online community to remix it with full Star Wars special effects and light saber noises.
Click here for original
Click here for edited version

Posted by Ron at 04:01 AM | TrackBack

May 04, 2003

Naked Bicycles

Seattle, Washington: May 4, 2003 A New Jersey man has sued Seattle police for the right for city revelers to celebrate the arrival of spring naked and on bicycles. In Seattle, rain-soaked citizens celebrate the return of sunshine with an annual summer solstice parade featuring traditions like samba dancers, colorful floats, and -- believe it or not -- nude bicyclists. But with officials regularly hinting they may crack down on this cheeky biking trend, a national nudity advocate and third party presidential candidate has sued the police, demanding they keep their pants on while he takes his off. Although not a local, the lure of the nude form has drawn this quasi-prominent fringe figure into the fold. Citing a Washington state law he says defines nudity as indecent only if it is likely to cause reasonable affront or alarm, Ronatarian Party founder/leader Ron says parade goers have no reason to be offended, even those who bring their children. "Everyone who goes to that parade knows they are likely to see men and women nude bicycling or topless women," Ron grinned. "It's like going to an X-rated movie and saying 'Wow! There's nudity here and I'm offended.' Well, actually, I'm offended by male nudity...bring on the big-boobed chicks, man!" For many parade-goers, the handful of stripped-down cyclists are one of the highlights and advocates say it does no harm, even to children. "It's not going to traumatize them and wreck their life," Ron said. "Lots of parents don't mind and for those that do, their choice is to not take the child or stay home. F*ck 'em!" A Seattle Police spokeswoman could not be reached for immediate comment. Local police generally have tolerated nudity at adult events like Mardi Gras or Gay Pride festivities and typically look the other way at the solstice parade, slated this year for June 17. Ron said he would draw the line on nude behavior that would threaten or frighten others. "You know, if like a fat dude decides to do somersaults or something. Nobody wants to see that."

Posted by Webmaster at 12:25 AM | TrackBack