June 30, 2003

King Of Poop

Los Angeles, California: June 30, 2003 Ronatarian Party leader/founder Ron stood up and made fun of pop musician Michael Jackson by dangling a baby doll over a hotel balcony. Ron also wore a surgical mask over his face Tuesday in an obvious swipe at Jackson, who dangled his baby, Prince Michael II, over a balcony railing in Berlin in November. Ron, who was staying at a Super 8 Motel in L.A., went further than Jackson by tossing the doll into the air and catching it with his teeth. "Ronpersonator," said a headline in the National Enquirer tabloid, which published three photos. The New Jersey Spew's front page blared: "Oh baby! Ron does his best Jacko." California's So-Cal Daily Record tabloid said the incident occurred as transients and hobos gathered outside the hotel before a Ron Rally in the city Tuesday. (Ron Rally's are public gatherings organized by local Ronatarian Party representatives to get the word out on their candidate.) Ron, who is running for president in 2004, is on a quick West Coast tour. Unfortunately, his presence has been avoided by most media until this stunt. "All coverage is good coverage," Ron was overheard saying to his followers. The Daily Record said he took over 3 rooms at the hotel for his entourage. Hotel staff members say that they have had to replenish the mini-bars several times in the past 24 hours.

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June 25, 2003

UriN8ing Beetles

New Brunswick, New Jersey: June 25, 2003 A 30-something-year-old man has begun producing winged beetles in his urine after hatching the eggs in his body, a senior State of New Jersey medical official said Monday. Doctor Saul Rosenberg, Medical Director of Middlesex County where the man is currently residing, said doctors found the beetles while examining him for pain in the groin area. Through hospital sources, the name of the patient was revealed to be none other than world mystery man N8. "Doctors were really surprised to see the beetles," he told the media. "There are eggs of the beetle in a fistula in his body and he is getting medical treatment to try to kill the eggs," Rosenberg said. N8 had been taken to the hospital Sunday after complaining of pain while urinating. According to authorities, N8 has no medical records -- which makes the diagnosis and treatment all the more complicated. The beetles -- more than a quarter inch in length -- belong to the Staphylinidae rove beetle family of insects. Most types are predators but some feed on fungi, algae, and decaying plant matter. An expert in urology, Doctor N. Subramanian, said that in theory it was possible for insects to hatch in the body and come out in urine but said he had not heard of such a case. "It beats the hell out of me," Subramanian remarked. "Just where someone would have to go or what he would have to do to fall into such a predicament blows my mind. Who is this guy?"

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The Ron Apple Experiments Day 904 thru 908 - June 21, 2003 thru June 25, 2003


Due to our interrupted service, we had to group five days together. Saturday was the third day after the seeding, and we have yet to see any plumage.


Ron Pear seems to be growing some puffy white spots. An omen of things to come? Why of course!


It's now sunday (Day 905) and the Ron Pear continues his development. Notice that his broth is starting to resemble the smooth smooth Beamer.


Still, there's no sprouting. The Chia instructions said that we should see something by the fourth day, and that's today. What the bloody hell? Do not despair, because we can expect something completely different when you throw Ron into the mix.


We see amazing development with the Ron Pear. His white beard is really filling in impressively. Who ever heard of a bearded Ron?


Jump ahead to wednesday, Day 908. Ron Pear is mostly unchanged, but look at T's eyebrows. Unmistakably, this is a sign.


Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?


So what's up with Ron's white beard? I've seen this somewhere before. It looks to me like Ron Pear is turning into an effigy of the great (and almighty) Captain Avatar!


Have you ever thought that behind Captain Avatar's puffy beard is a genuine Ronstache? Great things are afoot, folks.

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June 18, 2003

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 901 - June 18, 2003


We're back with another round of experiments. As you can see the Ron Pear has been soaking all night with Mr. T and is ready to proceed.


Closer observation shows that the Ron Pear has bloated himself to the extreme - probably in anticipation for what's to come.


Here they are out of the tub, all shined up and ready to rock.


Before the Ron apple's legs fell off, I got this beautiful picture of him before applying the seeds. He's looking a lot like his former self here.


His legs could no longer hold him, so we had to lodge him inside a shot of peppermint shnapps, adhering with Dr Tracticus Logicus's explicit instructions.


Mr T is now all seeded up as well. We made sure to apply the proper Ron mustache and eyebrows. Damn, this is going to be great! Everything is going according to plan. With the help of our Finlandian scientists, great discoveries lie ahead!

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June 17, 2003

The Sky Is Falling!

Long Island, New York: June 17, 2003 A Jersey City, New Jersey man won a suit against American Airlines alleging that one of the company's planes released two chunks of toilet waste, known euphemistically as "blue ice," onto the windshield of his car. After the chunks came crashing down and damaged his vehicle, third party presidential candidate Ron (Ronatarian Party) tracked down the plane - American Airlines Flight 1994 - and sued in small claims court. He received the court's ruling in the mail Friday. A judge ordered the airline to pay him $236 - almost the entire amount Ron had sought to purchase and replace the shattered windshield. Mike Fergus, a spokesman for the Federal Aviation Administration, was surprised at the decision. "I'll be darned," said Fergus, who hadn't heard of any similar suits succeeding before. The airline has 30 days to appeal the ruling. Airline officials could not be reached to comment Saturday. Ron was overheard at a bar at happy hour saying, "Sh*t happens, you know? ...This time it happened to my f*cking windshield."

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The Ron Apple Experiments Day 900 - June 17, 2003


A good 212 days have passed since our last Ron Apple Experiment update. The Finlandish scientists sent the Ron apples back to the states for an important phase in experimentation - what happens when you join the Ron Apples with a Mr. T Chia Pet? And what the hell happened to Dr Tracticus Philosophicus Logicus from Finland's profound discoveries?


I'm not allowed to disclose too much information, but Dr Tracticus Logicus Philosophicus called me in the middle of the night to express to me the utter urgency of this phase of experimentation - and today I received the Ron Apples and the Mr. T Chia Pet package in my mailbox. Apparently the relative humidity and barometric pressure of my apartment are crucial to this phase. As you can see above, this particular Chia is the ultimate in Chia Pet evolution. (You can get your own Mr. T Chia Pet here)


The instructions state that I must soak the head in water for 24 hours. Logically, I substituted Finlandia vodka for water in this one. The good doctor told me implicitly how important this was - not to use any of the fruity flavored variations, lest the experiment go to total ruin. I suppressed the urge the drink the Finlandia and poured it into the Tupperware vat.


Following the instructions to a "T", I mixed the Chia seeds with a 1/4 cup of the "Smooth Beamer" to ferment for 24 hours. We're on the verge of great discovery here, people.. I can feel it. Our cumulative efforts will not be made in vain!


Lastly, the most dehydrated of all the Ron Apples, the notorious Ron Pear, joined the 24 hour soaking in preparation for the next phase. That's right, the Ron Pear will be sporting the Beamer soaked Chia spores along with Mr. T! I'm not sure what Dr Tracticus Logicus Philosophicus has in mind, but the anticipation of it all staggers the mind. Stay tuned!

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June 04, 2003

Train Flashing

Newark, New Jersey: June 4, 2003 A Bergen County woman was cited for assault, trespassing, and resisting arrest after she was discovered half-naked hanging upside down from a train ladder, police said Tuesday. Robin Bishop, 31, was taken into custody about 2:30 p.m. Monday, after an engineer on a New Jersey Transit train discovered a woman hanging from the rear of the train as it approached a bridge here. "She was wearing jeans and nothing else," Newark police Lt. Mike Whittaker told The New Jersey Spew. "She was hanging upside down, topless, from a moving train." There were two other witnesses to the scene. Ronatarian Party founder Ron has become an avid trainspotter in recent months. While out with his faithful running mate Brad, the two stumbled upon the bizarre scene from a nearby knoll. "When Ron told me we were going trainspotting, I was a little reluctant," said Brad. "But when he spotted those hooters bouncing on the back of that train, I was engrossed. It was one of the best days of my life!" "I knew he'd like it," beamed a confident Ron. Police Capt. Jim Maloney said engineers stopped the train, which had only four or five cars, and approached the woman. She yelled at them and struck one with a rock before climbing to the roof of the car. "The officers thought she might have been under the influence of alcohol ...," Maloney said. Police don't know how the woman got onto the train. "She was a loner...a fighter," said Ron. "I like girls like that. I wonder when she gets out of jail?" "What's bail set at?" added Brad.

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June 03, 2003

Waste Of Booze

Meyersdale, Pennsylvania: June 3, 2003 State environmental officials are considering levying fines and other penalties against whoever dumped more than 145,000 cases of stagnant rum at a western Pennsylvania farm. Thousands of cases of discontinued Captain Morgan Gold was found piled on a farm in Elk Lick Township, about 70 miles southeast of Pittsburgh near the Maryland border. "This was a significant mess," Stan Whitsel, a state Department of Environmental Protection supervisor, told The Tribune-Democrat of Johnstown in Sunday's editions. "It was a bad situation just waiting to get worse." When he found out about the attrocities and hate crimes borne against the tasty libations, Ronatarian Ron flew via helicopter to the disaster area. "I came as soon as I heard," he said while wiping away tears. "How any human could do this to liquor is beyond me. These people must be animals!" State environmental officials discovered the 2,000 tons of abandoned booze and packing material in late May. Whitsel declined to say how they found out about the dumped rum. Environmental officials began routinely inspecting the farm after thousands of railroad ties and heat transfer textbooks were found dumped there last summer. According to Whitsel, the liquor was discontinued in August by London-based Diageo, which hired Houston-based shipping company Satellite Logistics to dispose of some of the 4 million cases of the rum left over. It's a mystery to what happened after that. After discovering the illegal dumping, state environmental officials said Satellite Logistics quickly cleaned up the mess. The alcohol was taken to landfills within a week, Whitsel said. "I was told it could not be saved," said an obviously shaken Ron. "We came too late. There is nothing left."

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June 01, 2003

Fat Star Wars Kid Reloaded


Fat Star Wars Kid Reloaded. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

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