July 29, 2003

New Moon On Monday

Panama City, Florida: July 29, 2003 Jurors who were mooned by a defendant needed only 30 minutes Thursday to find the man guilty of armed burglary and aggravated battery. Ronatarian member Phil Jackson, 32, punctuated his insanity defense by loudly hooting "cuckoo-cuckoo.. I'm the crab" and then dropping his pants to moon the jury on Wednesday. Jackson will be sentenced Aug. 19. A pair of bailiffs and two Bay County sheriff's deputies dragged Jackson from the courtroom after he exposed his buttocks during Wednesday's trial proceedings. Jackson has claimed insanity in two assault cases. He was convicted in April of aggravated battery and aggravated assault for attacking his then-girlfriend Yuki Yakamoto with a bottle of Strawberry Hill Boones on Jan. 21, 2000. The second trial was for another alleged attack on Yakamoto the next day. Jackson was convicted of forcing his way into Yakamoto's home and taking her cigarettes, this time attacking her with a bottle of Night Train. Defense lawyer Georgette Beller argued he had a personality disorder that caused him to attack Yakamoto. Beller asked for a mistrial after Wednesday's mooning. Circuit Judge Michael Overstreet rejected her motion and ordered that Jackson watch the rest of the trial from a holding cell over closed-circuit television. To this Jackson proclaimed, "sometimes you better dead."

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July 23, 2003

A Royal N8 In The Arse

London, England: July 23, 2003 A man at a Buckingham Palace garden party Tuesday dropped his trousers and dashed across the lawn, pursued by Beefeater guards in ceremonial red tunics. Partygoers cheered as a Beefeater tackled the man running a reported 300 feet ahead of Queen Elizabeth II. It was not clear if she saw him. The man was whisked away and questioned by police in the gardens. He was later identified as "American weirdo" N8. He was later escorted from the palace grounds. "There was no breach of security or risk to the royal party or other guests," the official statement concerning the incident said. "It is understood he was attending the garden party with members of his tribe, who were also invited guests." No further clarifications of this "tribe" or any other party guests were discussed. A police spokeswoman said the man had not been naked and had removed only his jacket, trousers, and shoes. But some said he had gone a little further. "He ran through the crowd, down the aisle then dropped his boxers," said Alec Solomon, 29. "The Beefeaters were running after him. A funny looking chap running amok is not an everyday occurrence, even the royal residences." Becky Fisk, another of the more than 8,000 people at the party, said N8 was wearing a Ronatarian Party T-shirt and trousers and managed to pull down both his trousers and boxer shorts while running. "He was shouting 'wahey-walshy' as he ran along," she said. Police said that N8 was not drunk or under the influence of any illegal substances. Members of the royal family at the party included the queen, her husband Prince Philip, Prince Charles, Princess Anne, and Prince Edward and his wife, Sophie. A month ago, self-described "comedy terrorist" Aaron Barschak gate crashed Prince William's 21st birthday party at Windsor Castle, prompting a security inquiry. The stunt has not garnered a cute tabloid name yet, but The Sun is toying with "N8-Gate."

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July 22, 2003

Flying By The Seat Of Brad's Pants

New Jersey Turnpike Exit 13: July 22, 2003 A pair of flying underpants caused a crash on the New Jersey Turnpike when they landed on a driver's face and blocked his view, police said Tuesday. A police spokesman in the north-central town of Elizabeth, New Jersey said one of a group of naked men in a van threw the underwear into Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad's car as they passed it on a busy stretch of one of America's notoriously speedy and congested highways. "The underpants landed on the driver's face, causing him to ram the truck ahead from behind," said the spokesman, adding that he did not know why the men were driving along naked. No one was seriously hurt in the altercation. No one was hurt in the crash, but police are hunting the owner of the underpants for failing to stop at the scene. DNA analysis of various skidmarks are underway.

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July 17, 2003

Signs Of Ron

Trenton, New Jersey: July 17, 2003 Ron's signature is more legible than many -- it is just that it appears to be upside down. And this is a problem for the New Jersey Division of Motor Vehicles, which informed the Ronatarian Party founder on Tuesday that his signature was "unacceptable." Ron said a clerk told him he would not get a new driver's license until he agreed to sign it "right." Ron, of Jersey City, has refused, saying it should be up to him, not the DMV, to decide how he writes his name. "F*** 'em," he yelled. He said he trained himself to write his name in this unusual way, working right-side up, as a way to make his mark unique. He said he has been signing his name this way for more than eight years on all official papers, checks, credit cards -- even his old driver's license. It was never a major problem until this week, he said, when he went to the DMV office on Kinky Road to change his address. Ron said a window clerk told him to "stop fooling around and sign it right." When he insisted that what he wrote was his valid, legal signature, Ron said the clerk accused him of being a "troublemaker" and a "royal asshole" and threw him out. He said the DMV did not issue him a new license and refused to give him back his old one. "What is my status as a driver?" he asked. "I won't be able to take my Camaro out for a spin no more? This is ludicrous!" New jersey Department of Transportation spokesman Leonard A. Van Gulick said Ron's driving privileges have not been revoked and his original license will be returned to him once it is found. As for a new license, with Ron's preferred signature, Van Gulick said the New Jersey attorney general has been asked for clarification. Drewry Fennell, executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union in New Jersey, said Ron appears to have a point. "Signatures are intended to be unique and it sounds like his is unique," she said. The legally blind Fennell added, "I think the guy is kind of cute, too." Fennell said she knows of no provision in the law requiring a signature to be legible. And if you can't read it, who is to say if it is right-side up or upside down. "There are many, many people with illegible signatures," she said. NJDOT's Van Gulick said DMV employees were correct to question the odd signature. "They don't want to open a Pandora's Box and give everyone the right to change their signature," he said. Ron's signature was "not the way millions of other signatures are done" on all the other driver's licenses in New Jersey, he said. However, Van Gulick said, no one could find any statute that defined an "acceptable" signature, which is why the matter was sent to the attorney general. "We want to get this resolved," he said. On Thursday, Ron said, he wanted to send a notarized copy of a letter of protest to the DMV, but he couldn't meet the notary's requirements. He didn't have a photo ID to prove who he was. "You know who I am damnit!" Ron demanded, "Just give me what I want!"

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July 16, 2003

Air Ducts

Dayton, Ohio: July 16, 2003

A man who told firefighters he was stuck two days in the air duct of a clothing store was rescued Monday and emerged wearing nothing but socks.

The man, identified later only as "N8," told firefighters some people made him disrobe, then threw him into the duct, which is accessible from a roof vent. The people told him to steal from the store, the man said.

Firefighter Scott Bennett said the store's owners directed him to a back storage room, where he heard a muffled voice coming from the duct.

N8 said he was dehydrated and wanted "a drink of water...or beer," Bennett said.

When other firefighters arrived, they removed an elbow joint from the ductwork and the N8 slid out unscathed, Bennett said. Some clothing was found in the duct.

Bennett said the man looked "a little worn" and was taken to a hospital. He was never medically evaluated as he quickly slipped out of custody. His whereabouts are unknown.

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July 14, 2003

Computer Rage

Jersey City, New Jersey: July 14, 2003

An aspiring New Jersey politician, angry with his running mate's web surfing, faced possible charges on Monday after he threw a computer monitor out of a 3rd-story window, hitting a four-year-old girl below on the head, police said.

A police official said the man, Ronatarian Party founder Ron, had gotten angry when he returned to his home/campaign headquarters in Jersey City on Sunday afternoon. His running mate Brad was playing an online computer game and failed to formally greet him, as Party rules stipulate.

Later, when Brad declined to let him join the game, Ron grabbed the monitor and flung it through the balcony window, a police spokesman said by telephone.

The screen hit four-year-old Becky Rosenbauer, causing severe facial injuries but no brain damage, a hospital official said.

"She was very lucky, considering the severity of the accident," the official said. The girl was listed in stable condition.

Ron's temper is legendary against both man and machine. He has a previous history of violence against computers (see article "Short Fuse").

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July 08, 2003

Cow Kissing

Morgantown, West Virginia: July 8, 2003

A radical political party cashed in on a cow kissing contest this weekend.

The Ronatarian Party assigned milk jugs to several members of this rural community. Party members and locals placed money in jugs of the person they most wanted to kiss a bovine, and the one with the most money in his jug won.

Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad took the honors and puckered up Friday to smooch Sissy, a 3-year-old Hereford cow.

"They called and asked if I would like to kiss a cow," Brad said. "It's a fun way for us to raise a little bit of money."

The "winner" visited a family farm that provided two cows and let him choose the one to kiss. "Believe it or not, it's hard to find a cow to kiss," Brad said. "This is the first time I have ever done something like this sober."

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July 07, 2003

The Munchies

Des Moines, Iowa: July 7, 2003 A woman bought a bag of potato chips at a convenience store but discovered more than munchies in the bag. Lois Campbell, 42, of Des Moines, opened the small sack of Uncle Ron's garlic-flavored chips Saturday and found another bag inside. "We were eating a few of the chips, and I was about to give some to a 3-year-old child," Campbell said. "I thought it was a little bag of seasoning inside. When I saw what it was, I called the police." A police report said the contents of the heat-sealed bag smelled like marijuana. The leafy substance - and the chips - were seized as evidence. Uncle Ron's chips are a brainchild of Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate Ron. The product is currently on a limited marketing trial in the American Midwest. Ron had hoped the sales of his chips would increase his exposure and bring in some much-needed revenue to fund his political aspirations. The Git-N-Go store where Campbell bought the snacks has taken the rest of the Uncle Ron's chips off its shelves, said Melanie Lockridge. The chips were packaged in Newark, New Jersey, Lockridge said. "To find out what was in there, they will have trace it back to Jersey," she said. Ron denied all responsibility or knowledge of the foreign substance in his bag of chips. He refused to comment on the matter. An investigation is under way.

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July 01, 2003

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 915 - July 1, 2003

On the 15th day since the Mr T Chia Pet arrived, there is still zero sproutage. To improve the ambiance, we included a couple Buddhas for the picture pose.

The T Chia pet hasn't really changed much. He's clammy and slippery and has developed a few more fuzzy white sores, mostly on his right eyebrow. He pities the fool who make him grow green sprouts out his ears. I was hoping for some fantastic plumage by now, but he defies all attempts. Even the plastic bag greenhouse trick does nothing. T don't take no shite from nobody.

Here's the Ron Pear with his other Ron Apple pals. Notice the Captain Avataresque continuation, but now he's rotting with leprosy. Leper outcast unclean! Unclean!.

Truly Ron Pear is the dominant male in this experiment. His stench is overwhelming like rotting rancid meat inside a box on a hot summers day. It's difficult to continue the experiments and live with the stink, but I must let the experiments go on! Perhaps soon we can get some input from Dr Tracticus Logicus Philosophicus and find out what all this means.

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