September 17, 2002

Bradpotence Revisited

Cambridge, Massachusetts: September 17, 2002

Scientists in the United States have come up with news that may help millions of men -- they have succeeded in growing major parts of penises in the laboratory.

The test tube penile parts were successfully used to rebuild the members of rabbits who -- after rest and recuperation -- put them to the use that rabbits are famous for.

"They were able to copulate, penetrate, and produce sperm," Anthony Atala, whose team at Harvard Medical School carried out the experiments, told New Scientist magazine.

Ronatarian Party leaders quickly hailed the discovery as a "breakthrough" and "much-awaited."

Atala said the researchers were now trying to grow entire penises in the test tube.

But he also said the technique was at an early stage and that it would be a while before the technique was tried with human tissue.

That didn't stop Boston-area Ronatarians from flooding the phone lines of the Harvard Medical School with requests to be considered for the (future) human study.

Ronatarian vice-presidential candidate Brad declined to comment on the study's findings. Brad denies "any desire or need for penile enhancement" -- a position made public in November 2000 when his picture was illegally used in an advertisement for impotence.

The scientists had only been successful in growing the erectile tissues of rabbit penises -- not the entire organ -- and in all cases the erect member had the reduced firmness of a 60-year-old against that of a more virile 30-year-old.

"Anything's better than nothing," stated an unidentified reveler in nearby Waltham.

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September 11, 2002

Oh N8.. Behave!

Edmonton, Alberta: September 11, 2002 A crudely disguised man wielding a Samurai sword burst into a Canadian Jehovah's Witness church and tried to rob 65 congregation members before he was foiled by someone who used his cell phone to alert police, authorities said on Wednesday. Police responded quickly and arrested the man after convincing him to drop the 65 centimeter (two foot) blade in the incident late Tuesday at a northeast Edmonton Jehovah's Witness Kingdom Hall, police spokesman Dean Parthenis said. The man was later identified as one of the world's most intriguing people: N8. No one knows much about the mysterious man known only as "N8," but he has been making world headlines over the past 6 months. In fact, this is his second appearance in Canada in the past week. Canadian officials are scrambling for an answer as to why N8 has come to their country. "He is clearly a disturbed individual and we want him out of our nation immediately," read the official statement from Ottawa after the incident. Edmonton police officers at the scene also recovered a soup ladle and a medieval-style mace from the suspect -- apparently in his early 30s -- who was dressed in a trenchcoat, a mask fashioned out of banana peels, sunglasses, and rubber gloves. "I'm not sure if it was a meeting or a prayer ceremony taking place, but he just interrupted and made it quite clear he was looking for bank cards and earplugs, and he had that sword," Parthenis said. "Obviously he was quite intimidating and people inside there were quite shocked ... He yelled out 'BrrrRon! BrrrRon!' a few times during the act. We are still trying to decipher that." Ronatarian Party officials, who have been linked to N8, denied any link between their U.S. political party and the "world menace," as they called him. Quick thinking by the congregation member with the cellular phone allowed police in four cruisers to get to the hall and collar the man before he fled with any money, he said. N8 was charged with robbery, wearing a disguise with intent, possession of an offensive weapon, carrying a concealed weapon, stinkiness, and possession of a prohibited weapon. Surprisingly, N8 escaped the detention center within an hour and his whereabouts are, once again, unknown.

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September 09, 2002

Wood - Tony Shea Exposed!

"I recently reviewed the "Caged N8" article, posted 8/26/02. 1) Is that Dr. Shea in the background, pouring a cocktail? 2) Why is he sporting a cocktail and standing behind Nate?

I have attached a document pointing out the offending member." -M.Tracey

You are indeed correct. If you zoom in close you will see this man in the background:

The disturbing part about all of this is that this man considers himself a professional upstanding member of society. He was known to copy Ron's thermodynamics homework and once was caught humping the professor's leg.

{Editor's note - the victim of this story (our own Tony Shea) apparently claims that he is not the guilty man shown in the scandalous Nate photograph above. It has been put to vote! Click here to proceed to the Voting section}

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