August 26, 2002

Caged N8

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan: August 26, 2002

Canadian prison officials have launched a probe into a barbecue held at a Saskatoon psychiatric facility following reports that potentially violent inmates dined on steak, climbed trees, and stripped naked.

Corrections Canada officials said in local newspaper reports on Friday that they had launched the review after photographs from the party, held in early August at the Regional Psychiatric Center in Saskatoon, were distributed to journalists.

Newspaper reports, some of which dubbed the prison "Club Fed," said the pictures show seven inmates from the aggressive behavior control unit grilling filet mignon and climbing trees. One inmate was also snapped in the buff standing in a makeshift swimming pool. He was immediately identified as the mysterious N8 -- a man of whom little is known, but much is speculated.

N8 has made headlines twice this year, once in the United States and once in Azerbaijan. Both newsworthy incidents included bizarre social behavior heretofore unexplained. The psychiatric files at the Canadian facility shed no more light on the disturbed individual. He remains an enigma.

Officials at the center have said that while barbecues are part of normal activities at the unit, those inmates should have been better supervised.

Inmates in the unit have a history of violence, officials said, with many transferred there from Canada's regular prisons. No one is sure why N8 resides in the Canadian institution. There is no evidence that he is Canadian.

Posted by Ron at 11:39 PM | TrackBack

August 12, 2002

Bathroom Man

Trenton, New Jersey: August 12, 2002

In some school bathrooms, Ron discovered it was easier to find the toilet paper hanging from the ceiling than the roll. In others, the toilets were chronically backed up, obscenities were scrawled on the walls, and cigarette butts littered the sinks. While he found some of the limericks amusing, he could not get past his disgust at the filth around him in the school lavatory.

Everywhere he went, New Jersey public school students told Ron they would rather wait all day than use filthy school restrooms.

That's when he found his calling as "Bathroom Man." He and his group -- called Project SCRUB -- get students to take on bathroom cleaning duty, learn responsibility, and make school bathrooms a little less frightening.

"If you're here in a public place, you've got to learn some common responsibility. You don't pee on the floor -- someone needs to teach the kids that," Ron said while walking through Hamilton East-Steinert High School (Trenton), his latest project. "You don't 'top shelf' it on lunch break...c'mon, it's common decency."

Cleaning duties such as scrubbing toilets and taking out the trash are usually handled by custodians. Ron, an early 2004 presidential candidate for the Ronatarian Party, wants students to clean after themselves and help decorate bathrooms.

At Hamilton East-Steinert, the transformation was obvious. Students gave the women's bathroom a fresh coat of red paint, hung portraits of Ron, and draped ribbons across the ceiling. Brightly colored flowers sat in fixtures on the walls. Obscene graffiti has vanished from stall doors, and the restrooms almost smell pleasant.

Ron is pushing his Eau de Ron as the scent of choice in the freshly scrubbed restrooms.

"It's got a bewitching scent to it," he commented. He added that is comes in a spray or plug-in.

At most schools, the changes are subtle. The signs above doors are changed from "Girls" and "Boys" to "Women", "Men", and "Transgender." Newly installed soap dispensers are curved around the edges so it's impossible to balance cigarette butts. Men's bathroom stalls now have doors, and heavy-duty toilet paper dispensers keep the paper stocked and prevent vandalism.

"Now that's a toilet!" exclaimed Ron after one commode make-over.

Ron cites studies showing as many as 4 out of 10 students avoid their school restrooms. While it is difficult to draw a direct link between clean bathrooms and academic achievement, Ron said students will pay closer attention in class if they aren't distracted.

It's all part of Ron's new platform on education. He is stressing good hygiene and bathroom habits as a foundation to greater academic achievement.

Hamilton East-Steinert Principal I. P. Freely said students' attitudes have noticeably improved since the school began working with Project SCRUB, which stands for Schools Clean, Ron's Ultra-Bathrooms.

Ron hopes his clean-bathroom quest catches on beyond the several school systems he's contracted with so far.

Ron approaches school districts and asks if they want help. He inspects bathrooms, then draws up ideas and tries to mobilize students and parents. He is paid out of school and government budgets, typically a few hundred dollars per school.

He says Project SCRUB has caught on particularly with students involved in clubs and extracurricular activities.

"Anytime I'm in the bathroom and I see trash on the floor, I pick it up and throw it in the trash can," said Allesta Brewley, a junior. "If one person helps clean the bathroom, and other people see it, they'll probably do the same. We thought it was going to be a lot of hard work, but we made it fun."

"I do what I can to make a difference," said the proud Ron. "Besides, I'm sick of walking into a bathroom and slipping on piss and shit."

Posted by Ron at 11:18 PM | TrackBack

August 07, 2002

Commode Curse

Jersey City, New Jersey: August 7, 2002

A man who put a curse on the city's sewer system said he will remove it if the city apologizes.

Perpetual presidential candidate Ron claims to have put a curse on the city back in the mid 1990s, after he said officials mistreated a totem pole he gave Jersey City as a gift.

The 20-foot totem pole depicts Ronatarian running mate Brad -- whom Ron lovingly calls the Village Idiot -- sitting on a water spout emanating from a commode, which is supposed to protect the city.

When officials went to install the pole, they cut several feet off the bottom and set it in concrete.

Ron said the act desecrated his work of art, and demanded it be restored. When city officials refused, Ron said he put a curse on the sewer system.

A week later, sewers in the city backed up.

Workers restored the pole and in 2000 upgraded it with new paint for their favorite son's election run.

But Ron said he will only lift the curse if the city apologizes during an official ceremony.

Mayor Dick C. Normus supports the idea.

"I'd rather not mess with something I don't understand," he said Tuesday.

Posted by Ron at 12:05 AM | TrackBack

August 06, 2002

Belching Contest

London, England: August 6, 2002

America's loudest burper failed to smash his own ear-splitting North American record on Wednesday when a sore throat forced him to throw in the towel after three attempts.

Notorious U.S. (New Jersey) politician Ron was hoping to better the 117.9 decibel mark -- a burp as loud as a pneumatic drill -- a sonic tour de force he set in 2000.

But after chugging back a carbonated drink, "shot-gunning" a beer, and gulping mouthfuls of air to build up gas in his stomach, he could only managed 110.3 decibels on a Guinness World Record sound level meter.

"Sadly, he didn't break the record and had to stop after a few tries because his throat was getting too sore," said a spokeswoman at London's Science Museum, where Ron was attempting his record burp. Other renowned belchers from around the world attended the event and tried to set new continental and world records with their unusual talents.

"But when [Ron] heals up he's determined to set a new record," she added.

The world-record attempt was part of the museum's current "Grossology" exhibition, a look at the good, bad, and ugly ways the human body works.

Ron said his training routine includes plenty of spicy food and exercises to force air into his stomach.

Posted by Ron at 11:25 PM | TrackBack