July 26, 2002

Packing Heat

Jersey City, New Jersey: July 26, 2002 A man who says he was pulled off an airplane and asked to take a sex toy out of his luggage after it started vibrating is suing Delta Air Lines, saying he was publicly humiliated. Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad said he was "with a buddy" awaiting takeoff from Dallas in February when his name was called over the loudspeaker. "I assumed it was a security precaution or an impromptu tribute," said the noted sidekick of U.S. politico Ron. He was ultimately met by a Delta security agent who told him something was vibrating in one of his bags. He contends that he explained it was an adult toy that he and his friend had just bought on a trip to Las Vegas. "It was a joke! That sort of thing is not my cup of tea," Brad explained. He continued and said the agent took him to the bag on the tarmac and made him remove the toy and hold it up, according to the lawsuit filed Thursday. Some passengers on the plane saw everything, and three male Delta employees "began laughing hysterically" and made "obnoxious and sexually harassing comments." Brad was allowed to repack and return to his seat. "I was humiliated," Brad said. "And the male stewards kept making passes at me during the entire flight [home]." A spokeswoman for Delta would not comment on the specifics of the lawsuit. "We have an obligation to protect the safety and security of passengers," said spokeswoman Katie Connell. "If there's anything questionable about a bag, we have a responsibility to investigate." The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages, accusing Delta of negligence, intentional infliction of distress, and reverse gender discrimination. Brad's law team of Sepe & Shea said Delta agents should have escorted him to a private area. "He was pretty horrified by the treatment," Sepe said. "He never contended that Delta doesn't have the right to investigate a security issue. It was their total lack of professionalism that irks him."

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July 16, 2002

Underwhelming Writing

San Jose, California: July 16, 2002 With a putrid passage about a hero's self-image gone bad, the vice presidential candidate from the Ronatarian Party -- who also crafts witty sayings and campaign slogans for lapel buttons -- won the 21st annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for horrible writing. Brad, originally from Massachusetts, triumphed Monday over thousands of entrants from around the world with the following sentence: "On reflection, Ron perceived that his relationship with himself had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride but more like when the toilet paper roll gets a little squashed so it hangs crooked and every time you pull some off you can hear the rest going bumpity-bumpity in its holder until you go nuts and push it back into shape, a degree of annoyance that Ron had now almost attained." The judges at San Jose State University liked how his composition "was a combination of something atrocious and appropriate," said Scott Rice, the professor who began the contest in 1982. The contest, which seeks the worst beginning to an imaginary novel, is named for Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, a British writer whose 1830 book "Paul Clifford" begins with the oft-mocked clich, "It was a dark and stormy night ..." "There are literary contests on campuses, and they're often deadly serious and end up producing some terrible writing," Rice said. "I thought, why not be up front and honest about it and ask for bad writing from the get-go?" Brad, who placed second in the pornographic category last year, wrote 4 entries this year. He said he could not recall his exact inspiration for the winner, but noted that it follows a pattern commonly found in successful Bulwer-Lytton entries. "There's a sudden change in diction, a drop in tone. From academic prose, the style suddenly plunges into a mundane image, almost a slang tone." He added, "It doesn't hurt to include Ron's name either." Aside from running for public office, Brad occasionally sells slogans to makers of buttons and refrigerator magnets. He said his creations include: "Another 12-step program and I still can't dance"; "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter"; "Geez Whiz I like Cheez Whiz"; and "Martha Stewart doesn't (expletive) live here, OK?" Brad's winning effort will bring him $250.

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This is original Ron fan art. This particular piece was submitted by our good friend Dr. Suss, often confused with the poet Dr Seuss.

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July 09, 2002

Mr. Softee

Jersey City, New Jersey: July 9, 2002 The driver of a Mister Softee truck is facing assault and breach of peace charges for allegedly attacking a frequent critic of the music coming from the truck's loudspeakers, police said. Luis Amaro, 51, is accused of charging out of his truck Saturday and swinging a bat at famous Ronatarian Ron. "Mister Softee tried to kill me!" Ron said Wednesday as he recovered from arm bruises and a graze to the head. Amaro could not be reached for comment. But Felix Rios, who owns the Mister Softee franchise in East Hartford, Connecticut said Ron is at least partially to blame for harassing his drivers for the last several weeks. Ron has been following the Mister Softee trucks throughout his neighborhood, taking pictures and recording the music from the trucks in a campaign to get them banned from city streets, Rios said. "I'm not saying what our driver did was right or wrong because Iwasn't there. But I know this driver, and I know he wouldn't lose his temper without a good reason," Rios said. "Ron is a good reason." Ron denied any menacing tactics on his part and said his actions were "necessary for the sanity and sanctity of the neighborhood." He would not elaborate further.

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Spiderman Will Make You Gay

Spidey Spiderman Will Make You Gay Really. He will. This link proves it.

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July 08, 2002

I Can Hear Jimi

Washington, D.C.: July 8, 2002 Strumming the air with his fingers has earned a northern New Jersey man a trip to the other side of the globe for the Air Guitar World Championships, The Washington Post reported Monday. Ronatarian Ron won the United States air guitar title last month imitating late guitar icon Jimi Hendrix, earning the right to compete at the world event in Oulu, Finland, in August. Ron started strumming invisible strings when he was a 14-year-old listening to heavy metal music. "I heard music and felt it and started moving my fingers. Maybe I'm just a born air guitarist," the notorious American politico told the Post. "I can play a few chords on the guitar too, but not as good as I can move my fingers." Ron -- who has been drunk at several rock concerts, but never played a guitar in front of a crowd -- first strummed an imaginary guitar in public at a friend's birthday party in a bar. "Good things seem to happen when alcohol, rock music, and an audience are mixed together," Ron said. "One thing led to another ... and after months of intense training, I am at the top of my air guitar game and going to Worlds!" In Oulu, he will compete against the national air guitar champions of Australia, France, Nepal, and Austria and defending world champion Zac Munro of London, according to the Oulu Music Video Festival event organizer, John Hammarskjold. The winner gets a real electric guitar and a fake amplifier.

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July 02, 2002

Rollin' Along

Jackson, New Jersey: July 2, 2002 After riding a Six Flags Great Adventure roller coaster for two weeks, famous Ronatarians Ron and Brad are record setters - and new icons. The two New Jersey men rode the Great American Scream Machine 2,002 times, breaking Ron's 1995 record of 2,001 continuous rides. Four contestants originally sought to break the record when the contest began June 17. It was down to Ron and Brad as of June 21. Michael Tracey, a 30-year-old engineer, was disqualified for returning late from a bathroom break. He mentioned "the lack of good seat time" as the reason for his elimination from the contest. Dr. Karl Seeler, a 50-something professor of mechanical engineering from Lafayette College (Easton, Pa.), was bumped when he failed to show up one day. No foul play is suspected. Ron and Brad shared a prize of $2,000 cash and a new cheese grater as winners of the contest, which celebrated the 13th anniversary of the Great American Scream Machine. Other than a sore lower back, Ron, a fixture in U.S. politics, had few complaints after stepping off the coaster after 2,002 rides on Monday. It was 1995 when Ron, then 24 and just out of college, set the record at Great Adventure with 2,001 consecutive rides on the Great American Scream Machine - more than 77 hours, 48 minutes. This time around, the contestant rode the coaster only during park hours, taking nights off. Ron said he and Brad took turns riding in the center car, which seemed to provide the best cushioning from the bumpy, bone-rattling tracks. After the victory, Ron promptly retired. Brad has not yet declared whether he will give up such worthwhile endeavors. Both hoped that the stunt would raise their profile in preparation for their 2004 presidential run.

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July 01, 2002

Fresh Ronsicles

Bogota, Colombia: July 1, 2002 A hiker is stranded in South America's Andes mountains when a blizzard begins. He reaches into his backpack for his cell phone -- only to find his prepaid minutes are up. The American mountaineer slowly begins freezing to death, surviving for 24 hours with his only warmth coming from carefully measured dozes of brandy. Then suddenly, at above 12,500 feet, notorious Ronatarian Ron hears a familiar ring. Out of nowhere, a phone company solicitor is calling on his cell phone, asking if he would like to buy more time. "We called him to remind him that his cell phone was out of minutes. He said it was the work of an angel, because he was lost in the (Andes)," said Maria del Pilar Basto, the Bell South operator who called Ron. "We thought it was a joke, but he insisted, and it was true." Basto called for help, and she and other operators kept calling Ron to keep him awake and help ward off hypothermia. Saving his famous mustache from excessive "ron-sickling" was also paramount. He was advised to keep post-nasal drip to a minimum. He was able to keep talking to her (and hitting on her) until rescue teams arrived seven hours later -- with the frigid temperatures acting as natural recharger for his two cell phone batteries. "I remembered that when I was a boy I put batteries in the freezer," Ron said in a newspaper interview describing his late June adventure. "So, I took off (the dead) battery and flung it into the snow. After half an hour, it was working again." Ron was not answering his cell phone on Monday.

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