January 30, 2003

Brad Fraud

Jersey City, New Jersey: January 30, 2003

A man who says he bought magic wands from a self-described psychic to erase negative thoughts says $5,400 of his money was all that disappeared.

Ronatarian Brad said he paid a woman who claims to be a psychic $1,800 for each of three wands.

"She was a terrific actress," Brad said. "I believed her...she was hot."

No word yet as to why Brad needed to have three different magic wands in his possession or what he would wish for. The odd situation is providing fodder for Ronatarian detractors here and abroad.

"Tell him I have land in Florida for him to buy," commented known Ronatarian-hater Lyndon LaRouche. "Or I can sell him my bridge in Brooklyn."

Brad said he contacted Jersey City police Wednesday after he became suspicious about the effectiveness of the wands.

"We're investigating," police Lt. Robert Rizzo said Thursday. "Possibly it is some violation of consumer fraud. However, there's no law against being stupid."

No charges have been filed against the woman named in the complaint.

A chinese person who answered the phone at the woman's business said, "She no here, silly round-eye."

Posted by Ron at 11:27 PM | TrackBack

January 26, 2003

Brazil Nut

Belo Horizonte, Brazil: January 26, 2003

A mayor from Brazil's ruling Workers' Party, whose disappearance had alarmed the government, was found in a hotel after a three-day drinking binge which started at a brothel.

Fearing mayor Chico Ferramenta could be the latest victim of a series of attacks on local Workers' Party officials, senior party officials had asked local police in the state of Minas Gerais to launch a thorough search.

Ferramenta is semi-known in the United States because of his association with Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron. The two have struck up a friendly working relationship over the internet. They discuss politics and the merits of gel insoles. Ferramenta even visited Ron in New Jersey in 2002 to "learn from the master."

As it turned out, Ferramenta -- mayor of a town called Ipatinga -- had left home on Thursday morning with $1500 in his pocket and headed to a brothel, where he started drinking and contracted for the services of two prostitutes.

After the brothel, Ferramenta headed to a hotel where he was found on Saturday after a waiter recognized him and called the police. At the hotel, Ferramenta had ordered drinks in his room and only came out to go to the sauna or swim in the pool.

Police called his wife, who went to the hotel to collect him. Ferramenta said in a statement on Sunday that he was "inspired by the great Ron of North America." He added that he was only doing what he was taught. Ferramenta will take temporary leave from his job on what he called "medical grounds."

Ron would not comment on the matter, but internet traffic -- monitored by the U.S. Government -- increased dramatically at Ronatarian Headquarters after the news broke.

Posted by Ron at 11:34 PM | TrackBack

January 19, 2003

Snubbing The French

Paris, France: January 19, 2003 A Frenchman who sells cheese over the internet has seen his inbox fill up with e-mails from disgruntled Americans this week. They are more than happy with his Camembert, but not with his government's policy on Iraq. "Pam and I have enjoyed ordering from you in the past," read one e-mail to fromages.com co-founder Marc Refabert. "(But) because of the current position your government is taking on not supporting the U.S. at this time regarding Iraq, we are not going to support France in any way....We are sorry." Orders are slipping from the key U.S. market, which accounts for 80 percent of fromages.com's business. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron was recognized as having sent a scathing e-mail. Excerpts contain such turns of phrase as "cheese-eating Jerry Lewis lovers," "spineless beret-wearing frogs," and "chain-smoking bon-bon stuffers." Ron is typically outraged by the french, but has a very soft spot for cheese. Many of his followers were wondering where his loyalties would lie in such a situation. He stuck with hatred (of the French) over love (of cheese). But just as the French government is unmoved by U.S. criticism of its unwillingness to back war against Iraq, so Refabert is shrugging off the boycott. "It's their way of showing their patriotism. Good for them," he said. "We've decided not to reply to the e-mails. What good would it do? I'm not a politician. ...But you've got to be adult. I don't think it's a very well thought-through reaction." "A typical French response," said Ron. "This joker has no balls whatsoever...none of the French do. That's why they are Europe's doorstep." Refabert said he thinks American customers won't be able to maintain the boycott for too long because French cheese tastes too good. "It's just temporary. They'll come back in two or three months."

Posted by Webmaster at 10:51 PM | TrackBack

January 15, 2003

Clipping Coupons

Jersey City, New Jersey: January 15, 2003

A coupon-clipper looking to score a new car got the run-around when he presented a dealer with $41,200 worth of coupons.

Stay-at-home politician Ron said he was perusing newspaper ads recently when he noticed a $200-off coupon from Toyota of Newark (New Jersey).

Ron said nothing in the ad limited customers to one coupon, so he bought more than 200 New Jersey Spew newspapers carrying the ad and clipped away.

On January 11, Ron packed up his coupons in a black briefcase and made his way to the dealership in hopes of picking up a green 2002 Sequoia Limited worth about $42,000. He said he was rebuffed with a suggestion that he get a lawyer.

Dealership owner Richard Merz said Ron won't be getting the car with coupons.

"The ad ran as it was supposed to run, and there was nothing misleading or deceptive about it," Merz said. "No reasonable person could possibly expect to piggyback coupons like that and walk away with a new car."

"I am not a reasonable person!" exclaimed a frustrated Ron. "There was no limit of 'one coupon per purchase' or 'one coupon per customer.' I am right and I will be vindicated!"

Ron added that he has plans to hire a lawyer and has already contacted the state attorney general's consumer protection bureau. Merz consulted with his lawyer who said Ron's case "has no legs to it at all."

"We'll just see about that," concluded Ron. "It ain't over until the fat lady sings while driving her new SUV."

Posted by Ron at 12:02 AM | TrackBack

January 09, 2003

Goddamn Tickets

Newark, New Jersey: January 9, 2003 A judge is cracking down on people who write vulgarities on checks they use to pay traffic fines. Judge John Pikachuaranian sentenced one man to two days of community service for writing a vulgar insult on the memo line of a check. The man was later identified as Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron. The chief judge of the 3rd District Court said the clerks who handle traffic fine payments shouldn't have to deal with obscene language. "The issue as I see it is if someone came into the court and used that language in front of me it would be contemptuous," Pikachuaranien told the New Jersey Spew for a story Wednesday. Ron of nearby Jersey City, spent his two community service days picking up trash at park-and-ride parking lots and volunteering at the Kendrick Powell Center for Mental Deficiencies. The wanna-be politician had sent Pikachuaranian and the court a one-and-a-half-page letter written in blood, which he says was instigated by the judge's lack of judgement. He alleges Pikachuaranian abused his authority. "I must say I would hesitate to write something so blunt on the check again, but I would definitely write something and choose my words carefully," Ron said. He said his letter should have been enough to get the charge dismissed "out of fear," and he thought the community service sentence was excessive. "It was bullshit!" he said. "If what he was doing was trying to instill a little bit more respect for the court then he failed," Ron said. "I am my own man."

Posted by Webmaster at 11:09 PM | TrackBack

January 05, 2003

Drunk Elk

January 5, 2003: Stockholm, Sweden Police shot dead a drunken bull elk that attacked a strange man while intoxicated on fermented apples, Swedish daily Aftonbladet reported Thursday. The elk attacked the American man known only as N8 as he played in a public garden in the town of Karlskoga in central Sweden. The man was badly shaken but escaped serious injury, suffering only a bruised neck. N8 refused medical attention and before local authorities knew he was a wanted fugitive, he fled into the stark Scandinavian landscape. Elk, common in sparsely populated Sweden, are normally shy creatures but they can become aggressive when they eat rotten apples, a favorite winter snack that can make them drunk.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:21 PM | TrackBack

January 02, 2003

Chased By Martians

January 2, 2003: Marseille, France A man who raced through a motorway road block, triggering a high-speed police car chase that ended in a minor crash, has blamed aliens from Mars for his reckless driving. Under police custody in a hospital in the Mediterranean city of Marseille, the 30-something-year-old told police he was being "chased by Martians" when he charged through a road block on the A55 motorway Monday evening, police sources said. The man was later identified as the mysterious N8 by Interpol. He is assumed to be an American citizen, but is wanted in several countries for a series of bizarre stunts and crimes. A breathalyzer test for alcohol proved negative, but police are still awaiting the results of drugs tests and a psychiatric examination. Even if the tests prove N8 was intoxicated on drugs or ferret juice, he will be tough to prosecute because he has, once again, escaped custody. His whereabouts are unknown and he is considered quite dangerous to himself and possibly others. France, which has one of the worst accident rates in Europe with more than 8,000 road deaths each year, is in the process of stiffening its speeding and drink-driving laws to try and reduce the carnage on its roads.

Posted by Webmaster at 11:45 PM | TrackBack