December 23, 2002

Is that a Monkey in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

San Diego, California: December 23, 2002 Customs officials opened his suitcase and a bird of paradise flew out but that was nothing compared to what they found in his pants -- a pair of pygmy monkeys. Mystery man N8 was arrested for trying to smuggle the monkeys, a total of four exotic birds, and 50 rare orchids across the Mexican border after a trip to Thailand, officials said on Thursday. Assistant U.S. Attorney Joseph Johns said N8 had been undergoing a routine border inspection until an official opened his engineering briefcase. "It became non-routine when they opened his baggage and a bird of paradise took off flying in the border check station," Johns said. Johns said the agents found three more birds in his bag, tucked into nylon stockings, along with 50 orchids of a threatened species. Asked by agents if he had anything else to tell them, N8 responded: "Yes, I've got monkeys in my pants." Unknown to the border patrol officers, N8 is a wanted man in both Canada and the United States. What he was doing in Mexico remains a mystery. N8 told authorities that he was a concerned environmentalist who had purchased the animals in Jakarta, Indonesia and was taking them via Mexico to a New Jersey wildlife sanctuary. He was arrested on animal smuggling charges, but promptly escaped. His whereabouts are unknown, but the smuggled animals are now residents of the San Diego Zoo. Johns said that because the monkeys are listed as a threatened and endangered species in the United States, they cannot be brought into the country without special permits that are typically granted to zoos and not individuals. He added that maybe N8 should require a similar type of permit.

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December 04, 2002

Naked N8

Mendocino, California: December 4, 2002 Debbie DeMarco was driving west on Naamans Road about 4:30 a.m. Tuesday when she said a blue Volkswagen Jetta roared past her with a naked man clinging to the roof. DeMarco, a paper carrier for The Mendocino Beacon, said the car was swerving from left to right across the median, sparks flying. The driver then crossed back over the median toward DeMarco before making a sharp turn onto northbound Route 1 near the Gas-N-Sip. "I'm looking, and there's a man hanging from the top of the car...naked!" said DeMarco, who called 911. "All this guy had on was white socks and a headband." The driver, Lori Ann Becker, 20, of nearby Fort Bragg and the man, the mysterious N8, were arrested after she crashed the Jetta into a concrete barrier near Highland Avenue and Front Street in Mendocino, according to a police affidavit. Mendocino County Police Officer Ralph Conte said in court papers that an "extremely cold" N8 fell off the Jetta's roof and pushed the woman back into the vehicle, held her down on the floor, and farted on her. N8 told police he "was only playing fart tag" when he spied Becker stopped at a traffic light. He ran over to her "to tag her it," when she took off with him hanging onto the side of the vehicle, Conte said in court records.

Posted by Webmaster at 12:27 AM | TrackBack

Saddam Ronsein

Saddam Ronsein

It is great to see you are still campaigning for Ron, especially after the "close" loss in 2000 to George Jr. Maybe if Ron would have spent more time on the campaign trail than in his garage he might of had a better chance.

Given the current situation is Iraq, I cannot stop thinking about the similarities between Saddam Hussein and Ron. First, look at the likenesses of their mustaches! They are almost identical it's scary. Second, Saddam has used weapons of mass destruction and Ron has used calculators for determining mass. Third, Saddam is the ruler of a small country and Ron counts with a small ruler. Do you get my drift? Maybe the US Govt should send Ron to Iraq undercover to take Saddam out. After all, Ron looks like a terrorist.

I am enclosing a picture of Saddam at age 17 as further proof of the similarities.

By the way, my family now thinks I am a Moose Biologist.

Yours truly,


Posted by Webmaster at 12:21 AM | TrackBack

December 02, 2002

Cow Poetry

Northern New Jersey: December 2, 2002

Any artist can paint cows. Ron paints ON cows.

Ron, the founder of the Ronatarian Party and its perpetual presidential candidate, painted single words (from "a" to "existential") on the flanks of about 60 cows near his Northern New Jersey home, then let them wander around to see if they could compose poetry.

So Holsteins, Jerseys, and Guernseys named Elsie, Lukey, and Maggie came up with phrases like "eccentric art," "performance as cow environment," "organic conceptual art as poetry," and Ron's own favorite "I throw swill on positive feedback systems."

One animal seemed especially inspired -- with "away" written on her side, she broke loose from the herd for a while.

The "Cow Project," with videotape and photos of the bovine bards, goes on display in Newark (NJ) on Thursday.

"The idea is that the artist sets up the situation and then it carries through on its own," Ron said in an interview last week at his tiny student's studio -- aka his garage.

The entire three-day episode was documented by Ron's running mate Brad and a couple of dozen other Ronatarian Party members, who were bused to the region from places unknown.

"It was peculiar," said Gary Ruestow, who let Ron use so-called "tail paint" -- a harmless substance that eventually flakes off -- on his dairy herd in the Seeler Center. "Those Ronatarians tend to do things that are a little bit outside the box. We did get some people who wandered by to see what the crazies up the road were doing."

Ron said the project cost him about $1,000 and he had to overcome a few obstacles. Half a dozen dairy farmers turned him down before Ruestow and his wife Susan, Ron's old music teacher, agreed to let him use their farm.

"There was a big concern that the cows would be stressed and give less milk," Ron said. Gary Ruestow said milk production actually went up a bit, "probably because the cows were a bit more active. The cows were as interested in the observers as the observers were in the cows."

Working around the milking schedule, Ron painted the words in foot-tall blue and orange letters while the cows were in their stalls. He wanted to put a word on each side of every cow, but some of the animals were skittish about it and ended up with just one word.

"They're used to being milked from the same side all the time and they didn't like being approached on the other side," Ron said.

Then there were the necessary touchups. Some cows messed up their words when they lay down, or swished their tail, or got a little cow pie on them.

"I'd repaint, right over the manure," Ron said.

He said he got the idea for the cow project when he read about Dada artists dropping cut-up newspapers on the floor to see what poetry was formed.

He picked most of the words with his eyes closed, taking whatever word was closest when he put a finger down on a page of an engineering textbook. He added a few, like the name of the farm, Brad, and cheese.

Now Brad is editing the videotape and arranging the photographs for the exhibit. The Ronatarian volunteers' notations of the cow poetry are collected in four binders, to be present at the exhibit.

Visitors to the exhibit will be encouraged to make their own cow poetry by taking a tiny cardboard cow, writing a word on it and setting it down on the vibrating board from an old electric football game so it can wander and interact with other cows.

On opening night, there will also be refreshments, in the form of cow-shaped cookies. And milk.

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