November 24, 2002

Swinging After Hours

Jersey City, New Jersey: November 24, 2002: A pair of weary Ronatarians have gone to court to try to close down a swingers' club on the ground floor of their building. They claim the club's members' moans of pleasure and screams of delight are keeping them awake. "Brad has to reach for the ear plugs every night because the unmistakable sounds of sexual intercourse can be heard throughout the building," said Ronatarian Party founder Ron who lives with his running mate (Brad) on the second floor, directly above the club known as "Zwielicht" -- a German word meaning both "twilight" and "dubious." "We've been forced to come up with our own noise to drown out the sounds from down below," he added. He would not elaborate further. Even though all of the building's tenants get a 25 percent discount on the rent because of the noise, they told the New Jersey state courthouse they had had enough and wanted the club closed down. Apart from the noise, they say the club is lowering the tone of the already crummy district, known as Bittleton. Lawyers for the building's owner said the club always paid the rent on time and should be allowed to stay. Ron told the court he was tired of seeing half-naked men clad only in bathrobes getting out of stretch limousines on their way into the club. "This is not a red-light district," he said. Brad refused to comment and just smiled coyly.

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November 19, 2002

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 688 - November 19, 2002

Everybody has been wondering "what ever happened to the Ron Apple Experiments?" I don't want to give away anything prematurely, but let it be known that a team of scientists in Finland have been working meticulously day and night on the project and we should be getting a report very soon. Here is what the Ron apples look like today.

The Ron Pear is looking as ghastly as ever. We see him here with a large knife stuck in his forehead.

What does it all mean? Hell if I know. I'm waiting for answers like all of you are. Coming up next... Dr Tracticus Logigus Philosophicus answers all...

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Toronto, Canada: November 19, 2002 Give Ron a hand - for being the world's best Rock, Paper, Scissors player. The notorious American politician has won the World Rock Paper Scissors Society's first open international championship. He was among more than 250 grownups who took part in the competition over the weekend in Toronto. While Rock, Paper, Scissors is usually a kids' game, not this time. He won more than the last slice of pizza. First prize was $1,200, a video game system, and a gold medal. Ron says the secret to winning is maintaining a clear mind and judging each opponent individually. "I usually give them a 'death stare' and use intimidation to win the match," he said after the competition. "I also drink a case of Grolsch before a competition...I need to stay sharp in the tough world of Rock, Paper, Scissors."

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November 13, 2002


I told the teacher that my son wasn't very
smart, and she said something about the acorn not
falling far from the tree. Since I never studied
treeology, I don't have a clue what that means.


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November 12, 2002


A good marketing strategy for Subway would
be to start selling bean and cheese burritos.
You know, so I wouldn't have to make two trips.

-Frank Weisbly @

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November 05, 2002


St. Paul, Minnesota: November 5, 2002 A steaming-mad Governor Jesse Ventura appointed a fellow independent to temporarily fill Senator Paul Wellstone's seat Monday, while Ronatarian Party founder Ron publically fumed at the governor's decision. Ventura's choice of Dean Barkley, a major figure in Minnesota's third-party movement, leaves control of the Senate up in the air. The two major parties now have 49 members each, with two independents. The "even Senate" is not what has riled up the feisty Ron, but the man who "independently filled the seat"--Gov. Ventura. "Jesse owes me $50," said Ron during a phone interview on the Montel Williams show. "He said if he couldn't pay me the money in 30 days, he would repay me in a political favor. It's been six months, godammit, and he owes me a favor. Him putting a Minnesota Ronatarian in the vacant U.S. Senate seat would have done nicely." "...And another thing," Ron continued, "Dean Barkley is not a free-thinker. He goes along with what anybody tells him. He is a pawn's puppet." Upon his being named to the Senate, Barkley said that fellow independent Jim Jeffords of Vermont told him in a call, "Don't commit to anything." Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott also called in a bid to court the newest senator. Former Senator Paul Simon encouraged Barkley to wear a bow tie to stand out--and to honor the former politician's signature clothing staple. The usually off-the-wall Ron may have a point in his rantings. "...And I don't expect to see that $50 any time soon," lamented the mustached politico. It is unclear how long Barkley will serve. An attorney general's opinion said the winner of the Senate election will replace Barkley once the winner is certified in mid-November. But Senate rules suggest Barkley's term will run into early January, until the new senators arrive. "That Senate seat is high profile. The Ronatarian Party deserves that seat of honor and power to forward our popular agenda," said Ron. For Ventura, the timing of his angry announcement was a bit of mischief: it came just as the Coleman-Mondale debate got under way. The governor said he was upset that his Independence Party's Senate candidate, Jim Moore, was excluded from the televised event. Moore has polled in the low single digits. "Today, three very powerful institutions, the Republican Party, the Democratic-Farmer-Labor-Party, and the Minnesota media are conspiring to limit the hard-earned rights of ordinary citizens," Ventura said. "Listen to Ventura cry now," said Ron, who had remained oddly silent in recent months. "He had his chance to change the face of American politics and copped out by naming a nobody to the Senate seat. Now he is bitching about the exclusion of one of his cronies from the debates. This Moore guy is a waste of life! What a jerk Ventura is!" Aside from firing up the Ronatarians, Ventura's choice of Barkley to temporarily fill the seat angered Minnesota Democrats. Shortly after Wellstone's death, Ventura said he preferred to appoint a Democrat to hold the seat since Wellstone was a Democrat. When a memorial service for Wellstone turned raucously partisan, though, Ventura stormed out and said he would consider appointing an independent. "It's typical Jesse Ventura," state Democratic chairman Mike Erlandson said. "It is always all about Jesse. He decided to make a political rant when people wanted to focus on who is going to be their next U.S. senator." "For once, that [expletive] Erlandson said something right," commented Ron. "The American people were waiting for a change in the political ranks and 'The Body' blew it for them. He had to steal the limelight with a horrible performance." Barkley, 52, was a Democrat before switching to Ross Perot's Reform Party. Barkley ran for the Senate in 1994 and got more than 5 percent of the vote, earning ballot status for the Reform Party in Minnesota. Ventura's Independence Party grew out of the Reform Party. The Ronatarian Party evolved from a New Jersey bar crawl.

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Midterm Elections, 2002

Neither of our candidates below won in the midterm elections. What the hell? Don't you people vote? We'll be sure to get them in next year.

Highway Cleanup Man for Sanitation Commissioner
Also known as "Mark Gaines", Highway Cleanup Man is not only known for his ability to pick up trash and wear it, but he also is respected by all his peers. Some call him a super hero. Full of vigor and relentless dedication to garbage, Highway Cleanup Man is the perfect man for the job.

Spruill for Notary Public
Jim Spruill is endorsed by Ron AND Highway Cleanup Man for the position of Notary Public. Jim is "at least 18 years of age and is a resident of" Pennsylvania which makes him fully eligible for the job. Not being currently incarcerated in a correctional facility further strengthens his position.
Spruill did win the online vote in "Who's Spotting Wood" in the Voting Forum. If he can win here, he certainly can win in the next election!

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November 04, 2002


Santa Fe, New Mexico: November 4, 2002 New Mexico voters will decide on Tuesday whether they want "idiots" and "insane persons" to vote in their state. Under the state's Constitution, drafted in 1912, "idiots" and "insane persons," as well as those "convicted of a felonious or infamous crime" are currently prohibited from voting. The Ronatarian Party is lobbying to change that. Proposed Amendment 2 on the November 5 ballot would strike the terms "idiots" and "insane persons" from the Constitution. The measure will better reflect current understanding of mental health, enpower more local Ronatarian Party members, and remove archaic language, supporters said. "There are so many varieties of mental illness with people who are perfectly capable of making a decision," said Bureau of Elections official Denise Lamb. "I'm more worried about unstable people with guns than I am about unstable people voting," Lamb said. The same type of amendment, with different wording, was on the ballot once before in the mid 1990s but did not pass because voters interpreted the wording as denying people a right to vote, Lamb said. "I think it's good to bring your Constitution more in line with reality," she said. "The local chapter of the national Ronatarian Party is really pushing this legislation here in New Mexico." Ronatarians said the arguments in favor of the amendment are that it will remove wording that is "archaic, offensive, and meaningless from the list of people ineligible to vote." It will also "help our great party grow by expanding our traditional support base of malcontents and free-thinkers." "The terms 'idiots' and 'insane persons' may not have been considered offensive in 1912, but today they are an embarrassment," the Ronatarian Party said in a guide to voters. The guides were distributed at children's lemonade stands across the state. It said the opposing argument suggests that removing the terms "without replacing it with terms that more accurately reflect contemporary understanding of mental health may be too sweeping a change." The proposed amendment also lowers the voting age from 21 to 18 years, bringing the voting age in compliance with federal requirements. Early voter Kathleen MacRae said changing the language made sense to her. "I'm for liberalizing all voting laws. Voting should be open and easy for everyone," she said. "And God knows there are already a lot of idiots voting." "And that's the way we like it," said an unidentified Ronatarian lobbyist.

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