October 31, 2007

Halloween 2007

Happy Halloween 2007 from the Ronatarian Party!

Posted by Bittle at 09:21 AM

October 30, 2007

Ronstache Day 2007

Posted by Bittle at 07:15 AM

October 29, 2007

Shots Heard Round the World

Madison, Wisconsin, October 29, 2007:

Wisconsinites can forget about getting free shots of liquor at their local grocery store.

Gov. Jim Doyle (Dem.) vetoed that provision of the new state budget Friday before signing the new two-year spending plan at a ceremony at the University of Wisconsin-Madison's student union.

A provision slipped into the budget at the last minute would have allowed up to 1.5 ounces of liquor to be handed out free.

"To me, it's absurd that you walk into a grocery store and start taking shots," Doyle said.

"That's where the Democrats and I disagree," said Ron in a press conference Monday morning in Trenton, New Jersey. "That's also where I differ from the Republicans. Listen, I like liquor...all kinds of liquor. I think you should be able to go anywhere in this great land of ours and score a shot. I'm talking malls, hospitals, churches...wherever."

Free beer is still OK, though. Doyle signed a law earlier this year allowing stores to pass out sample brews.

"At least Gov. Doyle hasn't completely lost his sanity," opined Ron. "You can still get a beer in a pinch when you need one [in Wisconsin]."

Doyle also vetoed a new three-tiered distribution system for wine sold in the state, saying the system would have stifled the state's small wineries, perhaps forcing them out of business.

The budget includes a $1 per pack increase in the cigarette tax, which takes effect Jan. 1.

The Legislature can override any of Doyle's vetoes if two-thirds of both the Senate and Assembly agree.

"I'm officially petitioning the state legislature in Wisconsin to veto the bill and get shots back on the table for all!" Ron declared. "And when that free shot is in the books, I'm gonna take it national. It's a cornerstone of my presidential campaign."

Posted by Bittle at 04:24 PM

October 28, 2007

Poem

Good friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Superfriends no let Hulk smash smashed.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:52 AM

October 25, 2007

Finger (Took a) Lickin'

Kearny, New Jersey, October 25, 2007:

A little goofing off during a break from campaigning led to a time-consuming, embarrassing ordeal for an area politician. Authorities said the man got his right middle finger stuck in an oval-shaped hole of a cast-iron picnic table outside a Wal-Mart.

Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron was stumping outside the mega-store when he decided to take a rest at the picnic table. That's when -- while apparently simulating a sex act by using his hands -- his finger got caught in the table.

Employees tried in vain to help Ron get free before help was summoned. A half-dozen firefighters and emergency workers responded.

They freed Ron by cutting a square out of the tabletop, then slicing through the metal around his finger.

Kearny Fire Department Assistant Chief David Friedel said the Ron was OK, except for being upset, shaking, and embarrassed about the ordeal.

Ron refused to comment on the incident, but Friedel says he told him privately it was an act of "stupidity."

Posted by Bittle at 01:01 AM

October 23, 2007

Poem

Strangely enough, if you exchange the blue liquid
in your Magic 8-Ball with vodka, it doesn't really
affect its mysterious powers of insight and wisdom.

(George MacMillan) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:16 AM

October 19, 2007

Poem

I want my kids to have the things in life
that I never had when I was growing up.
Things like beards and chest hair.

(Jarod Kintz) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 04:38 AM

October 18, 2007

Toilet Snake

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 18, 2007:

There was no Halloween bogeyman in the closet for one New Jersey man -- just a 7-foot-long python in his toilet. Presidential candidate Ron was trimming his mustache in his bathroom Tuesday night when he glanced back and saw the slithering serpent peeking out from his toilet, most of its body hidden in the pipes.

"I turned on the light and screamed bloody murder," Ron told the New Jersey Spew. "That f*cker was huge! At first I thought Brad hadn't flushed...It still makes my heart race."

Brad is Ron's house- and ticket-mate for the Ronatarian Party.

Ron slammed down the lid, put a full case of beer on top of the toilet, and began calling for help, which came from local firefighters. Plumbers had to tear apart the basement pipes to capture the snake, he said.

It's unclear how the snake made its way into the pipes.

Ron says afterwards he gave the snake to one of Brad's friends he calls a "snake charmer."

This is Ron's second run-in with a snake in less than a month. Back in September, a boa constrictor slithered out of Ron's Camaro while he was pumping gas in Pennsylvania (Snake in the Gas).

Ron says he started pissing in the sink after the scare. And when he trims his mustache, he said, "I'm looking over my shoulder."

Posted by Bittle at 09:37 AM

October 16, 2007

Monster Mashing

Lloyd, New York, October 16, 2007:

A woman says a strange naked man attacked her inflatable Halloween lawn display of three ghosts and a giant pumpkin, then apparently smashed his head through her window in a fit of rage.

State Police said officers found drunken world enigma N8 inside Dawn Garcia's house in the Hudson Valley town of Lloyd on Monday evening. Officers arrested N8 after a brief struggle and charged him with burglary.

Garcia told the Middletown Times Herald-Record she heard hollering and swearing and looked outside to see N8 struggling with the giant pumpkin. "He was enraged. I could see that," she said.

When she yelled at him to go away, N8 charged the house. She fled through the back door with three of her children and heard window glass breaking. She called 911 from a neighbor's house. Police said N8 used his head to smash a window to get in.

"What made him do that, I don't know," Garcia said. "We had the same decoration up last year and it didn't draw any lunatics."

N8 was assigned to Ulster County Jail, but somehow escaped en route to the facility. He is at large and considered dangerous to all lawn decorations -- including gnomes, lawn jockeys, and seasonal displays.

Lloyd is about 90 miles north of New York City.

Posted by Bittle at 02:54 PM

October 15, 2007

Poem

To My Beard
- J.R. Solonche

What can I say but I am sorry,
I apologize for what I do to you,
my daily ruthlessness and cruelty.
What can I do but ask for your forgiveness
and your patience. For someday,
I promise you, someday I swear
on the beards of the prophets
and on the beard of the poet Whitman and
on the beard of the president Lincoln,
I will not stop you any longer,
I will let you go free, I will take down
the fence around you made of sharp blades.
For someday, I promise you, I will let
you run wild through the valleys
of my face like a stallion, I will let you
wander over the desert of my face
like a holy man in his vision of heaven
and hell, I will let you grow, blossom
and flourish, and I will stroke you
and comb you and keep you orderly
and free of knots and tangles,
and you in turn will make me look
distinguished, a wise old man as I stroke
you looking serious, looking as though
I were thinking deep thoughts about
life and death. But I will be thinking
only about you, my beard, my second face,
and this will be our secret.

Posted by Bittle at 08:08 AM

October 12, 2007

Ron's 30th Drinking Birthday Bash

Ron's been drinking alcohol to celebrate his birthday for 30 years now! These revelers partied with matching t-shirts lauding Ron in a drunken stupor.

Posted by Bittle at 11:55 AM

October 10, 2007

From A-Hole to Zebra

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 10, 2007:

Perpetual presidential candidate Ron says a zebra has been visiting his home and he almost has the photograph to prove it. Ron, who lives in a suburban Jersey City neighborhood, said his running mate Brad starting whimpering and he went outside to see what was causing the disturbance. A zebra was trotting down his driveway. It was wearing a ripped Lehigh University sweatshirt.

He ran to get his camera because he knew no one would believe him. Unfortunately, the camera was not loaded with film.

"I should have gotten my gun instead," he lamented.

"It's so f*cked up, you can't imagine what it's like to look out a [cracked] glass door and see a zebra trotting down the driveway."

Ron thinks it wasn't the first time the zebra has come around. He has found various clues, including equine feces on his doorstep.

"If I ever catch that damn thing 'round here again, I'll make zebra-burgers out of it!" he threatened. "I'll scare the stripes off it!"

Posted by Bittle at 07:10 AM

October 06, 2007

Poem

Whenever I watch Barney the dinosaur,
I offer up a prayer of thanks for the
meteorite that wiped out the rest.

(G. Linsgru) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:53 PM

October 04, 2007

Cough It Up

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 4, 2007:

A seat belt saved a driver, police say, but not in the usual way. Ronatarian Party leader Ron was eating a fast-food sandwich Wednesday morning, said police Sgt. Doug Mozan. Ron choked and blacked out. His famous quasi-vintage Camaro then rolled and hit a dumpster.

After the wreck, Ron came to.

Mozan attributed his revival to a "seat-belt-induced Heimlich maneuver."

Witnesses told police Ron got out of his car, and they asked if he was OK.

"No, I'm not," he said, and collapsed again.

Paramedics revived him and took him to the hospital, where doctors determined he hadn't been injured. One of the interns recognized Ron from his famous mustache and suggested they also check his Blood Alcohol Content (BAC). Amazingly, Ron's BAC registered 0.00.

"We urge people to take the extra time to pull over to the side of the road to enjoy your breakfast sandwiches," said Mozan. "The fact that it was a nonfatal accident was extremely lucky. Ron didn't choke to death or take anyone else with him."

Posted by Bittle at 08:06 AM

October 02, 2007

Poem

Wishful Thinking
by Debbie Ledet

I'm sitting up late tonight,
writing down the thoughts
that keep me from sleep.

My heart is full of pain.
You're out on the town with your new love.

I hope she gets a run in her pantyhose
and the zipper on her new dress breaks;
or maybe you find out her breasts are fake.

I hope your face breaks out in zits
and she thinks your breath stinks;
and I hope you bend down and rip the seat of your pants.

When you get to the restaurant I hope the food is cold,
I hope the wine is sour and the bread has mold
(a case of food poisoning would be neat).
And I hope when you start dancing she throws up on your feet.

If all these things could happen,
maybe I could sleep.
And with a rested mind
I could wish for some more things to happen to you...

But it still won't be enough.

Posted by Bittle at 08:41 AM