November 28, 2007

Sword Play

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 28, 2007:

A man says he broke into a house with a samurai sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his neighbor was watching.

"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake."

According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning November 26, damaging the frame and lock.

"Where is she?" Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at Ron, the complaint said. "Where is she?"

Ron told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said that, with the sword pointed at him, Ron led Van Iveren throughout the house, opening closet doors to prove he was alone.

"It was difficult to walk because [Van Iveren] didn't let me zip up before he forced me around the house," Ron said. "The one time Brad is out of the house..."

Ron later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard across the lot.

Van Iveren, 39, was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage, and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is scheduled to appear in court December 5. Together, the misdemeanor counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail.

Van Iveren said Tuesday that he heard a woman "screaming for help," grabbed the sword, bounded up the driveway, kicked in the door, and confronted Ron immediately.

"I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened," he told the New Jersey Spew.

Contesting Ron's account, Van Iveren said he didn't look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened Ron with the sword.

"I had the sword extended, but that was all," he said. "Ron's 'sword' was also extended, but that's beside the point."

Van Iveren, who lives with his mother, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew Ron or anything about his presidential aspirations.

Police seized Van Iveren's sword, which he said his grandfather had brought back from Japan after World War II.

Posted by Bittle at 07:45 AM

November 26, 2007

Poem

They say 2.3 percent of adults still have
problems wetting the bed. I can't imagine why,
because it's a really easy thing to do.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:40 AM

November 20, 2007

Stiffy

Trenton, New Jersey, November 20, 2007:

A man has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized.

The lawsuit filed by Ron, of Jersey City, said he bought the nutrition beverage, which is made by the Novartis pharmaceutical company, at a drugstore on October 14, 2007, and drank it.

Novartis' Boost Plus Web site describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume," in vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.

Ron's court papers say he woke up the next morning "with an erection that would not subside" and sought treatment of the condition, called severe hardonism brought on by morning wood. They say Ron, who's in his 30s, was forced to sit through hours of dull thermodynamics lectures plus view black and white slides of fat women at the beach to relieve his erection.

"I thought the...nurses were going to do something else to quell my throbbing penis," said a dejected Ron.

The lawsuit, filed late Monday, says Ron had problems in the days that followed. Quoting the lawsuit: "Confidence issues" and "general lament."

Ron's lawsuit, which seeks unspecified damages, names Novartis Consumer Health Inc. as a defendant. A spokeswoman for the company, Brandi Robinson, said Tuesday the company was aware of the lawsuit but did not comment on pending litigation.

Ron's lawyer, Andrew Sepe, did not return telephone calls for comment Tuesday.

Posted by Bittle at 08:54 AM

November 18, 2007

Poem

I think the best games for children are
the ones that teach as well as entertain.
For example, Spin the Bottle teaches kids
that drinking will often lead to awkward,
embarrassing and unwanted sexual activity.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:35 PM

November 15, 2007

Poem

If my erection lasts longer than four hours,
you BET I'm contacting a professional!

(Richard Skora) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:12 AM | TrackBack

November 13, 2007

Tattoo You!

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 13, 2007:

A man accused of kicking an argument with his neighbor up a notch by removing his shirt to reveal a two-word expletive tattoo faces 90 days probation and a $100 fine.

Josh Kaminski pleaded guilty on Monday to a summary charge of disorderly conduct.

Neighbor Ron -- a presidential candidate running on the Ronatarian Party ticket -- said he asked Kaminski if he could keep the noise down following a rowdy party. Ron said Kaminski cursed, bared the expletive tattoo on his chest, kicked Ron's famed Camaro, and motioned as though to break off his rear view mirror.

Ron didn't attend the court hearing, but Assistant District Attorney Barbara Bowers said Ron doesn't object to Kaminski's summary plea.

Posted by Bittle at 08:14 AM

November 07, 2007

Poem

I bet my mom wouldn't have written me
out of her will for being an unemployed
loser if she had known how good I'd
eventually become at Minesweeper.

(Jimbo) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:00 AM

November 05, 2007

Ronstache Day 2007: The Office

Actors on the NBC TV show The Office sport mustaches during the November 1, 2007 episode to demonstrate their support for Ron.

Posted by Bittle at 09:42 AM

November 02, 2007

Poem

I got confused when the flight attendant woke
me up to ask if I wanted a Wet-Nap, because I
was well on my way to having one on my own.

(J. Hutter) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 12:33 PM

November 01, 2007

Ronstache Day 2007: Submission

A Ronstache submission from Delaware!

Posted by Bittle at 05:22 AM