December 27, 2007

Poem

My girlfriend is incredibly self-absorbed.
The good thing is that she saves
a bundle on sanitary napkins.

(Ernest Gunn) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 07:48 PM

December 25, 2007

Poem

A Drunk's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottles of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came loud a yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...

And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.

Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name:
"On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain't got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!

Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, we've still got a long haul!"
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.

And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.

He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didn't fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.

Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.

But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
"Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!"

Posted by Bittle at 08:16 AM

December 21, 2007

Doh! A Deer!

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 21, 2007:

A man subdued a deer that ran through the front picture window of his house. Ronatarian Party leader Ron wrestled the beast to the floor in the living room, and carried it out through the garage door, when Hudson County Animal Control officers took over.

"My couch is ruined," said Ron's room- and running-mate Brad. He had to clean blood off his computer, coffee table, and ornamental tea set after the ordeal.

Ron was in the garage working on his famed Camaro when the deer entered the house though a hole no bigger than a large steering wheel on Thursday morning.

The deer ran to the back of the house, Ron said, and it tried to escape through sliding glass doors.

The deer tore the curtains down, then jumped into a second picture window, but fell backward on the couch.

"That's when I went on her," Ron said. "I jumped on that mother-f*cking deer. I showed her who's boss."

Posted by Bittle at 01:10 AM

December 19, 2007

Feline Jihad

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 19, 2007:

Police are investigating after a man wrote about launching a "feline jihad" to rid his Jersey City suburb of stray cats.

Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron wrote a two-part series in the New Jersey Spew. The first of which was published December 17 and titled, "Madder Max: The Cat Lady and My New Dog." The second installment was published Tuesday and titled, "Feline Jihad: The Cat Lady, Part II."

In his commentary, Ron said the strays fed by a "neighborhood cat lady" have brought filth and disease to his home, and local Humane Society officials haven't been able to stop it.

As a result, he wrote, "[The cats] invade my property and my home (Cat Scratch Fever). I've officially become a trapper and it's time to take a walk to the river."

A neighbor, Jeannie Watts, said she feeds about 10 local strays and is the "cat lady" in the articles. She said Ron has set traps in his yard and posted signs in the neighborhood alluding to dead cats.

Watts also said some of the strays she normally sees have gone missing in recent weeks.

She believes the problem has more to do with a conflict with Watts about him running a [radical] campaign out of his home than about the cats.

"This is just as much about me as it is about them," she said. "He's mad at me. He disagrees with my politics, and he's taking it out on the cats."

Ron responded that he has not been trying to kill the cats and was using Humane Society traps to help get them to safe homes.

But Humane Education Society of New Jersey director Guy Bilyeu said Wednesday there was no record that Ron was in possession of any of the organization's traps.

Bilyeu said he planned to meet with Ron to discuss the issue further.

"We can't pass judgment on a written article," he said. "This could just be somebody bragging. We don't know."

Jersey City police said Wednesday that they were investigating.

Posted by Bittle at 08:08 AM

December 17, 2007

Cat Scratch Fever

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 17, 2007:

Three stray cats attacked two people after they got into a house in Jersey City. "I thought I had seen it all, but I have never seen anything like this," Chief of Police Martin Gutschenritter said Sunday. A call for help Saturday took animal control officer John Pettit to the home of Ronatarian party leaders Ron and Brad, Gutschenritter said. Ron told Pettit he had captured three cats in a bedroom.

"Ron said the cats had gotten into the house when the front door was open," Gutschenritter said, then attacked Brad and him.

Presidential candidate Ron suffered scratches, the chief said, and he was bitten on both ankles, both knees, and on his left calf.

"Ron told the officer it happened when the three cats entered the residence and attacked him for no reason," Gutschenritter said.

After talking to the men, Pettit went to his truck for snares -- his "cat catchers."

Then he heard screaming from inside the house from what he thought was a woman.

"When he ran back, he saw a man with blood over his face," Gutschenritter said.

The cats had attacked Brad who had opened the bedroom door.

"He was bitten on his forehead, nose, left ear, and right cheek," the chief said.

After some first aid from Pettit, the two politicos were taken to Jersey City Free Clinic for more treatment.

When investigator John Stadler arrived and opened the bedroom door, "he saw a gray and white cat baring its teeth in attack mode," Gutschenritter said. "He shut the bedroom door and returned to his car for a dart gun."

All three cats were shot, tranquilized, and taken to the animal shelter, where they were euthanized.

The bodies were sent to Trenton for rabies checks, Gutschenritter said.

Authorities want to find out who owned the cats.

Under city ordinance, cats may run free if they don't become nuisances.

"I'm on the animal commission, and we've never seen anything like this," Gutschenritter said. "We have dealt with dog bites, but we've never had one with a cat."

Posted by Bittle at 08:24 AM

December 12, 2007

Poem

Momma always said "Life is like a box
of chocolates," but so are hookers.
The good ones always cost more, and sometimes
you get a surprise when you unwrap them.

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 01:15 AM

December 11, 2007

Jive Turkey

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 11, 2007:

The noise that Ron heard while sitting in his living room was a turkey that crashed through a second-story bedroom window. Ron was relaxing in his suburban home Monday when the uninvited guest arrived.

Ron called the fire department and they tried to corral the 25-pound bird as it flapped around on the carpet amid blood and shards of glass.

After about 30 minutes of trying to ease the turkey toward the window with a broomstick and a bong, Ron cornered the bird, grabbed it by the neck, and threw it out the window.

Ron said after the ordeal that the turkey would make a nice dinner.

"I guess it's time for Brad to start plucking feathers," Ron concluded.

Posted by Bittle at 08:03 AM

December 07, 2007

Poem

I love the traditions that go with
holidays: Thanksgiving means turkey,
Independence Day means fireworks,
Halloween means going to the office
as "Drunk Naked Guy" and All Saints
Day means looking for a new job.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:30 AM

December 03, 2007

Poem

It's been three days since I binged
at the Mexican restaurant, and I sense
I'm suffering from Post Fartum Depression.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 01:11 AM