January 31, 2008

Poem

I was helping my 9-year-old daughter do research
for her book report on horseback riding for kids.
So I Googled the following: "pony, ride, under age 18."
... and I swear that's the truth, Your Honor.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 01:35 AM

January 30, 2008

Side Order of Sidewinder

Side Order of Sidewinder

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 30, 2008:

Ronatarian Party leader Ron was a little rattled by something he says he found in a can of green beans: a snake head. The long-shot presidential candidate said he found the inch-long head on his plate Tuesday night, right between a chicken breast and buttered noodles. He said it came out of the green bean can.

"When I sat down, I noticed something didn't look right," Ron told The New Jersey Spew. "It didn't look like a green bean."

Ron said he called the Pathmark store where he bought the beans, and got a call back from Seneca Foods in upstate New York, where the vegetables were canned.

Rich Gorgon, a spokesman for Carteret, N.J.-based Pathmark Stores Inc. (PTMK), confirmed that a customer reported finding a "foreign substance" in a can of green beans, but said officials had not determined what it was.

The store conducted spot checks of other cans, but nothing out of the ordinary turned up, Gorgon said. Similar cans were removed from the shelves as a precaution.

A woman who answered the telephone at Marion, N.Y.-based Seneca Foods Corp. (SENEA) on Friday said the company had no comment.

"I just want what's comin' to me," said Ron. "And I want some goddamn green beans already!"

Posted by Bittle at 09:42 AM

January 28, 2008

Poem

The great thing about convincing mimes
to join Fight Club -- besides totally
beating their asses -- is knowing
they'll never break rules 1 and 2.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:55 AM

January 24, 2008

Poem

Football is a game of inches
-- much like naked limbo.

(Tom Sims) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:22 AM

January 22, 2008

Someone's Been Sleeping in Ron's Bed

Someone's Been Sleeping in Ron's Bed

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 22, 2008:

Maybe this intruder should have had a good night's sleep. Police say a man returned to his house last week to find an intruder napping in his bed. The accused burglar, Mark William, didn't wake up until police placed handcuffs on him while he was snoozing.

Police say the victim -- identified as local politico Ron -- came home at 7:30 a.m. after a bender to find William asleep in his bed. He drunk-dialed the police.

Authorities say William, who goes by the nickname "Weasel," jammed a chair to the back entrance of the house before bedding down. He was charged with burglary, theft, and malicious destruction of property. William also faces drug charges after police found a small package of suspected crack cocaine in his pocket.

He's being held in the Hudson County jail on $15,000 bond.

Posted by Bittle at 07:55 AM

January 18, 2008

Poem

I don't fit in with either political party.
I can't be a Democrat because I like to keep
the money I make, but I can't be a Republican
because I like to spend that money on drugs.

(Conor Regan) @ruminate.com

dukvwn

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 01:03 AM

January 16, 2008

Poem

I'm really pissed off that this year's presidential
ballot offers no candidates who are against
education, healthcare, families and children.

(Brian Perbix) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:55 PM

January 15, 2008

Family Guy's Ode to the Mustache

The episode of Fox Television's Family Guy aired Sunday January 13, 2008 was an ode to the excellence of growing a mustache. This is an obvious overture to the greatness of Ron and his famous mustache. Is it a coincidence that this episode aired during the 2008 presidential primaries? We here at Ron4President.com think not.

Breakfast with a mustache
"It's a mustache kind of morning."

Mustache wardrobe
"I watched the sunrise in my jeans, jeans shirt, and jeans jacket."

Business transactions with a mustache
"I am part of a very special community. People with mustaches look out for each other."

Mustache Aficionado

Manly fire fighting with a mustache
"With great mustache comes great responsibility."

Oh, the humanity!
"I'm not living my life without a mustache."

Posted by Bittle at 08:01 AM

January 14, 2008

Poem

If you can stay married to Bill Clinton, is
there anything you can't do? On the other hand,
if you're willing to stay married to Bill
Clinton, is there anything you *won't* do?

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:54 PM

January 09, 2008

Restroom Break

Restroom Break

White Plains, New York, January 9, 2008:

A man who was apparently worried about a random drug test asked vice presidential candidate Brad at a mall for a urine sample.

White Plains Police say Marcos Delacruz, 42, was charged with attempted evasion and endangering the welfare of Brad. He was arrested several hours after the incident in the men's room at the mall on Tuesday.

Deputy Public Safety Commissioner Daniel Jackson said Delacruz took the sample to his appointment with his probation officer.

A curious Brad was flattered by Delacruz's initial interest in him, but grew wary after several minutes.

"He seemed awfully butch," Brad said of Delacruz.

Brad ran and told his running mate Ron -- the presidential candidate from the Ronatarian Party -- that a man in the men's room had asked him to urinate in a bottle. Ron called police on his behalf and Brad described the man.

Jackson said the officers contacted local probation, parole, and court offices and found Delacruz, who had an appointment at the Westchester County Probation Department.

Brad was reminded that meeting strange men in restrooms is not a safe practice.

Ron and Brad were at the mall to promote their campaign to win the White House in November.

Posted by Bittle at 08:03 AM

January 07, 2008

Poem

I wanted to start off the new year with
a bang, but the wife said she had a headache.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:06 AM

January 04, 2008

Two Man Turns

Two Man Turns

Jackson, Wyoming, January 4, 2008:

Everyone's heard of a bicycle built for two, but how about a two-person snowboard? Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron built one and recently teamed up with his running mate Brad to make some two-man turns down the Teewinot run at Jackson Hole Mountain Resort.

They did it for a television crew and the Guinness Book of World Records. It can only help to promote their political campaign.

"It seemed initially like going down a mountain in a canoe without a paddle, but after taking a few runs, a light went on," Brad said. "You're splitting the duties, so it feels like a marriage...well, not in this state. (Maybe Massachusetts.) You give up half of the control, and if it's a good one you don't crash."

The snowboard, called the "RB-13," is 9 feet, 7 inches long. Ron created the snowboard in his garage in New Jersey. He linked two snowboards lengthwise, bolting the rear board on top of the front board.

With practice -- and a cooperative partner -- Ron figured out how to ride the thing.

"It's so heavy, you get going pretty quick," Ron said. "On steeper hills you're definitely looking for some drag."

They registered the board on the Guinness Book of World Records website and were told they could set a record for the world's longest snowboard. To get the record, Ron needed to turn in a video of two people riding the board for at least five consecutive turns.

The two men are now awaiting confirmation of their record. Brad is already thinking about marketing the tandem board.

"It could be a teaching tool," he said. "Especially if you constructed a triple, because a person could get in between two butch male instructors."

Posted by Bittle at 08:15 AM

January 02, 2008

Playboy Shout-Out

Playboy Shout-Out

A nod to Ron's famous mustache in the November 2007 issue of Playboy. Could a presidential endorsement from Hugh Hefner be far behind?

Posted by Bittle at 08:19 AM