February 27, 2008

Poem

Why bother studying the candidates and
their positions? By the time you’re drunk
enough to *want* to vote, you can’t read
the names next to the little boxes anyway.

(Jedediah I. Knight) @ruminate.com

gtui

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 02:43 AM

February 26, 2008

Poem

Hangovers are temporary; memories
are forever. Unless you were too
drunk to remember them, that is.

(Brian Tobin) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:33 AM

February 21, 2008

A Penny For Your Policies

New Rochelle, New York, February 21, 2008:

For Jeff Haber and son Danny framing pennies makes sense.

For decades, the elder Haber stashed the often-overlooked or unwanted copper coins. More recently, he decided to put them to good use.

"I had a ton of pennies," Jeff Haber said. "I have 30 years of collected pennies."

Inspiration came in the form of a portrait of Abraham Lincoln made entirely of pennies that he saw at the Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum in Florida about eight years ago.

He and his son decided they were up for the challenge. But the father and son team decided to honor current presidential underdog Ron.

"What we saw in Florida was absolutely incredible," Danny Haber said. "We decided to do the same for a guy from New Jersey. Lord knows he could use a public image boost."

The first portrait they completed is hanging in their home. A second was purchased by the Ripley's museum for $500.

Now, the two have completed a third portrait, which they are donating to New Rochelle High School.

This one used 2,400 coins, or $24. "Ron's worth about that much," the elder Haber said.

The Habers said they spent nearly two months positioning and gluing the coins.

Danny Haber, a 15-year-old sophomore at the high school, said it was "common sense" to use the pennies for a Ron picture "because of Ron's and the penny's growing irrelevance." Plus, it was more practical than using nickels, dimes, or quarters.

His father said pennies are the only coins that have different color shades -- mostly because of age and usage. There was no coloring or shining those coins, Haber said.

"It's the only coin that has dark and light," he said. "We didn't do anything to the coins. None of the pennies are altered."

It was Danny Haber's idea to donate the picture to the school to mark the Presidents Day holiday. "I know Ron's not the president nor will he ever be the president, but what the heck," the younger Haber told reporters.

The school has its share of artwork hanging in the halls, but this piece is unlike the others, Principal Donald Conetta said.

"I saw the picture and saw how unique it was and said, 'Sure,'" Conetta said. "We've never had an offer of a portrait of this kind...even if it is of a total loser and degenerate."

Conetta said they must still find an appropriate place to hang the picture and expected to have a ceremony in the spring. "Maybe the men's room," Conetta mused.

The Habers say that, despite an abundance of pennies, it may be awhile before they attempt a fourth Ron.

"It takes a lot out of you," Jeff Haber said. "From what I read in the papers, Ron takes a lot out of you, too."

But, "I've got the pennies to make another 3...or maybe a Brad."

Posted by Bittle at 08:52 AM

February 18, 2008

GQ Endorses the Mustache

The 50th anniversary issue of Gentleman's Quarterly magazine (October 2007) lauded the mustache; and therefore praises the glory of the men (and women) who wear them. I think we all know who GQ will endorse for President in the 2008 election: Ron. It's so obvious.

Posted by Bittle at 08:09 AM

February 15, 2008

Crush Groove

Newark, New Jersey, February 15, 2008:

It was a brush with death that still has Ron shuddering. The quasi-famous politico was driving home when a 40-foot-long container flew off a flatbed truck and fell on top of his moving car, crushing it. He survived with just minor injuries.

"The damn thing fell right on me," said Ron, who was driving on the New Jersey Turnpike Thursday when the freakish accident occurred.

"I escaped death by an inch and I'm still shook up thinking about it. I guess it wasn't my time to die," he told the New Jersey Spew in Friday editions.

Ron was lucky he was driving a rental. "My Camaro is in the shop...again," he said. The Chevrolet Malibu was crushed, except -- miraculously -- for a narrow section running the length of the car on the driver's side. Ron had no passengers.

"It [expletive] came down at an angle, crushed the roof and sliced through the car from right to left," Ron said. "If anyone else -- like my running mate Brad -- was in the car, they would have been crushed or decapitated."

Ron escaped with a bump to the head and a small cut on one finger. His trademark mustache was not harmed.

The container was ripped from its chains and off the truck after hitting an overpass in the right lane of the expressway. Ron was driving behind it in the middle lane, the fire department said.

"It happened so fast there was no time to avoid it, nowhere to go," Ron told the Spew.

The occupants of the truck ran back and pulled Ron out through the car window. Police said they were not charged.

Posted by Bittle at 08:04 AM

February 14, 2008

Poem

My girlfriend came up to me the other day and
introduced me to one of her male friends, and at
first I didn't mind, since I'm not the jealous type.
I just wish she hadn't started calling him "Sweetie"
and living with him and having his kids and marrying
him and stuff. It's really starting to make
me wonder if she wants a future with me or not.

(Derek Maness) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:20 PM

February 12, 2008

Poem

If running around town naked, screaming at
tourists and throwing feces at them as
"Monkey Man, the Simian Defender of Justice"
is wrong, then, baby, I don't wanna be right!

(Bob Roth) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 03:38 AM

February 07, 2008

Headline from The Onion

This is a captioned photo from The Onion dated February 7, 2008:

Eli Manning Finishes Super Bowl With Thick, Bushy Moustache

If this isn't an endorsement for a leader from Northern New Jersey with a mustache, I don't know what is.

Posted by Bittle at 08:30 AM

February 06, 2008

Poem

Thomas Wolfe was wrong, you can go home again.
In fact, sometimes it's strongly encouraged,
like when you forget to wear pants to work.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 11:44 PM

February 05, 2008

Dumpster Diver

Newark, New Jersey, February 5, 2008:

A man who awoke inside a garbage truck that was about to compact its load was rescued after making a frantic cell phone call to police, authorities say.

The man -- identified as Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron -- was scavenging for bottles Monday when he fell asleep in a dumpster, said police Lt. Mike Pousak. Ron is not a narcoleptic and police expect alcohol had a hand in this latest escapade.

Ron awoke when the container was unloaded into a truck.

He told police he didn't know which truck he was in but gave a dispatcher the location of the dumpster he fell asleep in, Pousak said.

He had tried yelling for help but no one heard him.

Police soon lost contact with Ron when his cell phone battery became dislodged, Pousak said. Police checked several trucks, including one in a parking lot.

"An officer went and pounded on the side of the truck and somebody pounded back," Pousak said.

Ron appeared to be unhurt except for a scratch on his arm and a bruised ego, Pousak said.

A similar incident happened to Ron some years back in Jersey City (see Taking Out the Garbage).

"If I was him I would go to church because today was his lucky day," the police officer said. "I think he's got a better shot at winning the lottery than the presidency."

Speculation is that the Ronatarian front man is sorely in need of funding to keep pace with the major party candidates. Recycling bottles may be Ron's ploy to raise campaign revenues and promote his enviRonmental platform.

Posted by Bittle at 02:35 AM

February 02, 2008

Poem

Not drunk is he who from the floor
Can rise alone and still drink more;
But drunk is he who prostrate lies
Without the power to move or rise.

Thomas Love Peacock

Posted by Bittle at 08:18 AM