November 26, 2003

Poem

It's always sad when you have to
disillusion a child by telling him
there is no Santa Claus. I prefer to
maintain his innocence by just telling
him that Santa can't come anymore because
he contracted severe gonorrhea and died.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:41 PM | TrackBack

November 24, 2003

Poem

I've always felt it's my personal touch that sets
me apart from those other brown-nosing climbers
in my department. For example, during my last
performance review, I not only informed my
supervisor that his wife was a two-timing schemer,
I also showed him the photos of us to prove it.

(Brad Simanek) @ ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:21 PM | TrackBack

November 20, 2003

Cheap Skate

Newark, New Jersey: November 20, 2003

A man and a pay phone were rushed to a hospital after he got his finger stuck in the coin return slot while trying to retrieve his 50 cents.

Emergency room doctors gave Ronatarian Party founder Ron a painkiller Monday and pried his middle finger loose using a wooden device and lubricant, ending the three-hour ordeal.

"The bone in my finger felt like it was going to break. My finger was numb. It was very painful," said Ron, a yet-to-be-formally declared 2004 presidential candidate. "That's my flippin'-off finger too...it's my 'bird.'"

Ron had tried to call his running mate Brad, but the line was busy.

"Probably those sex lines he's always calling," Ron said. "I'll kill him for tying up the phone lines!"

Two passers-by tried to help. When they failed to free him, Ron used his other hand to dial 911.

Emergency crews and a representative of the company that owns the phone were sent to the scene. But they were also unable to free Ron.

The phone was near a busy bus stop.

"People on the bus who know me were laughing at me," Ron said. "It was humiliating. I felt like flipping them off, but I could not get the 'double barrel' action."

With few options left, ambulance crew members cut the telephone off at the base and took it and Ron to St. Bennett's Hospital.

"I've been in this business more than 30 years and I've seen a lot of weird things, but never anyone trapped in a telephone," said Herb Symons, manager of the ambulance company.

"Mother f*cking payphone...I need to get a cell," Ron concluded.

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November 09, 2003

Ribbon Cutting

Jersey City, New Jersey: September 9, 2003 The Chamber of Commerce has held a ribbon-cutting ceremony for an unusual structure - a toilet. The Ronatarian Party came dangerously close to losing its headquarters because it lacked two restrooms, as required by Jersey City zoning codes. One code states that "any...former residence being used as a brothel, political headquarters, bingo hall, or other similar function shall have two separate commodes to service the masses' asses." Party founder and leader Ron said he didn't think to check with the city about its zoning rules when he hastily named a run-down home as his headquarters in 2000. After years of battles, he raised enough money to add a new restroom to the old house he also calls home. The Jersey City Chamber of Commerce decided to celebrate the accomplishment by holding a ribbon-cutting in front of the restroom Monday. "We're having fun. I think what's unique and nice about it... is that we can make light of what's happened in the past," Chamber president Tom Hastings said. "The Ronatarians were able to work out an agreement with the city... which shows that things work out as long as you work together." Ron was happy with the resolution of the issue...and his new bidet. "Finally we can get back to some real politicking."

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N8's Collegiate Engineering Feats

A Timeline Covering his Rise and Fall:

Freshman Year
9/90- Nate enters into the Lafayette College Engineering program, where he quickly realizes he is smarter than all of his professors (with the exception of Prof. Uz, who developed Nate's Positronic Brain- see ?The Story of Nate?). <editor's note - The Story of Nate is currently lost>
9/90- Nate re-adjusts the phone system in his dorm, to make his new phone number 250- nate one nate nate (250-8188).
10/90- Nate decides that, due to the ease of subject matter, he will double major in Mechanical AND Electrical Engineering.
 
12/90- Nate decides to join the Phi Kappa Psi Fraternal Organization- not so much for the social aspects as for the challenging work the physical fraternity house needs.
5/91- Nate completes his tour of duty as a pledge, and prepares to become House Manager the following semester.
Sophomore Year
8/91- While preparing to return to school, Nate decides to put air conditioning in his house. Not a window air conditioner like most people, but a full central air conditioning system. This task takes longer than the two days he budgeted for, and Nate's return to school is delayed
by several days. 9/91- Nate repairs a 1969 window air conditioner he found in someone's garbage in Easton. It costs Nate a total of $1.20 to fix the air conditioner- all he needed were some pieces of wire, duct tape, and a piece of a card board box. 

9/91- While fixing the air conditioner, Nate came up with the idea of the patented ?Nate's Pillarless Loft System?. The total amount of time from initial conception, to drawing of the plans, to alpha and beta testing, to the actual installation of the system was only 3 days! Incidentally,
Nate licked each and every nail before putting it in the plywood and had to be medicated for the resulting dysentery he got from the rusty nails.

10/91- When some members of the Pi Beta Phi sorority found out about Nate's Pillarless Loft System, they immediately commissioned him to design and build a system in their sorority house. They promised Nate case of any beer he wanted. He quickly jumped to the call of duty, and
built the loft. 

10/91- During College Property Inspections, the unauthorized pillarless loft was noted by housing inspectors, and Pi Phi was ordered to have the loft removed. The sorority once again called Nate for his services. He removed the loft he just installed 2 weeks prior, discarded of
all the materials, and asked about his case of beer. He never received his beer. He did manage, however, to steal 4 pairs of worn panties.
1/92- Over the winter, Nate completed the blueprints for his re-working of the house boiler system. Nate re-routed steam, and updated various flanges and fittings. Boiler efficiency was improved by 30% per Nate's calculations. I myself confirmed this while reviewing energy bills
during my tenure as Treasurer.
3/92- Nate improved the ice generation capacity of the ice machine.
 
4/92- For his countless improvements to the house, and mainly for the development of the Pillarless Loft System, Nate is awarded the Beige Jacket Award. All brothers rose to salute, and commend the occasion by reciting the Nate-nal Anthem, and sang the song ?What Do You Do with
a Positronic Brain??. Nate nearly splits the rear of the jacket while fitting it over his large frame.
6/92- Nate spends the summer doing fun engineering stuff, like getting Ed's Model A Ford to run for the first time since 1948. Ed's grandfather marveled at the ability of Nate to get his car to run again.
Junior Year

9/92- Nate rescues the house television from the dumpster behind the Easton TV repair shop. The TV was broken (dropped actually) by Zamkoff. The TV repair shop deemed the TV to be completely and utterly unfixable. Nate, who knows more about fixing TV's than the guy that has fixed
TV's for a living for 30 years, decides he will fix it. Nate orders the circuit board schematics from Toshiba in Japan, enlisting the help of Brother Jackson to translate English and Japanese. 
10/92- Nate receives the schematics, fixes the circuit board, and puts the TV in the corner of his room. He also buys a Hi-Fi VCR, and puts in surround sound. His room now has air conditioning, a $600 TV, a state-of-the-art VCR, and surround sound. This is 1992, when stuff like
this was cutting edge technology and no one in the house had any money to buy it!!

11/92- While watching This Old House, Nate whips up a batch of his Special Sauce, which is added to Chief Mark's spaghetti sauce the following evening. 3 brothers get sick afterwards, and it is blamed on the Fried Food Fest from the prior day, but Nate knows better what caused
the sickness.
2/93- Nate updates the PBX system in the house, which will allow state-of-the-art communications.
 
 3/93- Nate installs a secret tap system, which runs two kegs of beer from the kitchen though the house plumbing, and to the downstairs sink in an attempt to thwart campus security. It works.
4/93- Nate installs a new ballast in the outside fluorescent lights, and also updates the design of the lamps while he's at it. He increases the candlepower of the lights by 55.4%. Nate also purchases a new-to-us/used Kirby Heavy Duty Vacuum for the house, which has the ability
to suck up pennies without getting clogged.
5/93- Nate does a complete tune-up of his Volkswagen Bug in 7 minutes in the back parking lot at dusk- including valve adjustment.
5/93- Nate leaves for the summer
Senior Year

9/93- Nate returns as a frustrated and angry Senior, and is less productive and generally more reckless than prior years. He comes back to school ready to party. He downs a half-bottle of Johnny Walker Red, and takes several rushes and bothers on a tour of the school's power and
HVAC facilities at 2:30AM. Security stops all of them, and Nate pretends he was just looking for his notebook from his engineering class.
 
10/93- Nate organizes a road trip to the Limerick Nuclear Power Plant in his Farfergnugen Jetta. After trying to avoid what he believes is a spent muffler in the middle of the road, he spins his car 180 degrees and goes off the road.

11/93- After replacing the timing belt in his Jetta, Nate gives the worn out belt to Mr. Peterson, who proudly wears it on his antlers for many years.
12/94- Nate leaves for Winter Break.
1/94- Nate returns with his Volkswagen Beetle and loads it up for another road trip. He is 10 minutes into the trip, when he hits 2 deer simultaneously and he literally laughs as the whole incident occurs. One deer died on the scene, the other limped away and most likely died
soon thereafter. The car's front fenders were both dented in, the headlights broken, and the car is donated to charity as it was now worthless except as a tax write-off. 
2/94- Nate implodes a CRT (cathode ray tube) on the dock of the Lafayette Crew Team with one of Ed's dad's 45 year old M-80's.
4/94- Nate fixes my broken CD player (the only thing he fixed that year).
5/94- Nate graduates college.
5- Year Reunion
5/99- Nate takes the red-eye flight back to Pennsylvania, and sleeps though the entire 5-year reunion weekend. By the time he wakes up Sunday afternoon, everyone has left.

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Mr. Ron's Cole Slaw

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Ron-A-Roll

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Ron's Bait

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Ron's Body Shop

Ogden, Utah

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Bennett's Tavern

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Abdullah Gul [Turkish Premier]


"You look fine, Gully ... wait, can they see that we are holding hands?"

"They said it was mustard yellow, but damn it, it looks like camel puke!"


"Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I wish Ron would stop poking fun at my small ears."

"Oy, Ron, for the last time, I AM NOT JEWISH."


"Morons.... I'm surrounded by bloody morons."

"Open the doors, and CRUSH all the people."


"God, I hate this tie"

Posted by Webmaster at 02:36 AM | TrackBack

Yasser Arafat [Palestine]


"Back here is where Ron put his tongue... and I liked it."


".. and the wine was delicious!"


"You must be gentle when you massage the scrotum."


"Feel the inner peace of a boy's buttocks... Praise Allah!"


"Kiss me you fool."


"Personally I don't care who wins.  To me it's six of one, and half dozen of Ron's mother... er, other... I mean other.  And Ron's mom should be added to my harem."

Posted by Webmaster at 02:30 AM | TrackBack

Tony Blair [Britain]


"...and the lack of fibre in an Englishman's diet bloody well sucks!"


"My thumb represents the size of Ron's knob."


"And that's when Ron took my virginity!"


"I know I can... I know I can.... Blimey!  Now there goes Ron's toupe!"


"Hail Ron!  (Too bad I lost use of my other fingers in those altar boys' bums)"

Posted by Webmaster at 02:18 AM

King Gyanendra [Nepal]


"Ron tried to offer me monopoly money for my beautiful wife Queen Komal.  He even had the audacity to use his left hand when handing it over!"


"Then Ron pointed his foot at my sacred monkey.  His offensiveness holds no bounds.  Ron is no longer allowed inside my castle! "

Posted by Webmaster at 02:10 AM | TrackBack

Jacques Chirac [France]


"Ron is silly english pigdog.  He taunt us french people.  Think he..how do you say..big great leader."


"We will no surrender to Ron.  He will never become America president.  We French have nothing to fear from that pomplemousse." 


"Ron once flick booger at me.  At me!  President of France! "

Posted by Webmaster at 02:01 AM | TrackBack

Hugo Chavez [Venezuela]


"If I had an award winning mustache like Ron, the people would fear me."


"Large boobs.  Ron taught me how to appreciate them.  Venezuela will strive to have bigger and better boobs."


"Ron had me at 'Hey dude'.  He completes me." 


"Then I showed Ron my 'rock', clearly defeating his 'scissors'."

Posted by Webmaster at 01:54 AM | TrackBack

November 07, 2003

Poem

I think a really cool thing for blind people
would be talking warning signs. The drawback
would be the resulting explosion of the blind
population due to a lack of natural predators.

(Travis Gray) ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 04:22 AM | TrackBack

November 04, 2003

Trick Or Treat

Jersey City, New Jersey: November 4, 2003 A man faces charges after he smashed a bird-feeder and threw a pumpkin through the window of a house where his vice-presidential running-mate said he didn't get any Halloween candy. Police reports show presidential candidate Ron (Ronatarian Party) taking his running-mate Brad trick-or-treating about 6:30 p.m. Friday when they went to a house where a woman was passing out candy. Ron waited at the curb while Brad went to the door. (Ron gave up trick-or-treating in the late 1990s, but continues to support Brad in his endeavors on Halloween night.) Brad returned to Ron crying, saying he didn't get any candy. Ron confronted the woman, who said she had given Brad candy. Ron and Brad left, but returned a few minutes later. Ron approached the woman, handed her a piece of paper that had his address written on it and told her to call the police, according to the report. Police said he then threw a small pumpkin through the front window, tossed a second pumpkin at the front door, uprooted and smashed a bird feeder from the front yard, and turfed her yard with his Camaro. A neighbor yelled at Ron to stop as he was heading toward a large potted plant. Ron and Brad returned to their nearby (political) party headquarters and were there when police arrived. Ron was not arrested, but warned to stop such behavior -- later revealed to be nothing more than a staged publicity stunt. The woman -- later identified as a college classmate of Ron and Brad's -- was also warned to avoid similar public stunts in the future.

Posted by Webmaster at 11:21 PM | TrackBack

November 03, 2003

Poem

Sometimes when I'm in a difficult situation I ask,
"What Would Jesus Do?" And always a little voice
inside me answers, "Well, he probably wouldn't try
to cram *another* corpse into the crawl-space, moron."

(Brad Wilkerson) Ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:45 PM | TrackBack

Fidel Castro [Cuba]


"Ron has flat and hairy buttocks.  True leadership demands a smoother, rounder ass."


"Up yours, Ron. "


"Ron is big loser."

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