My dog loves cats. I just wish we
could find a canine toothpaste that gets
that icky cat-stench off his breath.
Brad Simanek @ Ruminate.com
I bet Mafia kids get bummed when they
find out the tooth fairy doesn't take
other people's teeth. Or when they find
out there's no horse-head fairy at all.
Bill Muse @ Ruminate.com
Elizabeth, New Jersey: December 22, 2003
Highway police who stopped a driver they believed was using his cell phone erred twice. First, he was just scratching his ear. Second, he was a politician.
Ronatarian Party founder Ron showed the two officers that the last call from his phone went out the night before. He had called his mother, he said, to "cut the apron strings once and for all." The duo huddled, then came back and fined him $50 anyway.
The charge: driving while "holding his ear with his right hand in a permanent fashion."
"Am I on f*cking candid camera? What the f*ck is going on here!?!"
Ron recalls saying, according to Thursday's edition of The New Jersey Spew newspaper.
The flap happened November 10 while Ron drove into Newark, New Jersey on a busy highway in the morning rush hour.
Ron filed a 10-page appeal that The New Jersey Spew praised as a work of tongue-in-cheek art.
The appeal says the fine failed to say which ear was being held, or even how many ears Ron has, and argues that New Jersey law does not bar scratching them while driving or oblige motorists to pull over to do it.
Ron wrote: "To presume that this unconscious act cannot be performed would lead us to the absurd situation of having to wait to stop the vehicle in a place that does not pose a danger for other occupants of the road in order to scratch, by which time, depending on how bad the itch is, I probably would have crashed before finding an adequate place to stop, or the itch would have gone away, reducing the pleasure I get from scratching."
Some see the glass as half empty, while others
see it as half full. I'd just like to know
who the hell drank half of my urine specimen.
(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com
In the time it took for me to stop and smell
the roses, the S.W.A.T. team caught up to me.
Thanks for the *super* advice, Abby.
(Walter Means) @ruminate.com
A patron of a Popeye's restaurant says he bit into a mouse that had been fried along with the chicken.
Presidential candidate Ron says he was eating the second piece of his three-piece Happy Meal when he made the unappetizing discovery.
"At first I thought it was the toy," he said. "But then I realized the error in my thinking."
He immediately filed a complaint with the health department.
Officials say that same restaurant has been closed twice before for infestation or unsanitary conditions.
Inspectors checked the place yesterday and didn't find any rodents. But officials say they'll be back.
"I swear I'll clean up this country when I am in office," the hot-headed Ronatarian said. "Be it improved health inspections or an all-out war on vermin...I will make sure this does not happen again!"
The next time you curse the fact that it's
Monday, just think of it as proof that you
made it through another weekend without
killing yourself by doing something stupid.
(Phil Garding) @ruminate.com