December 30, 2003

Hocking A Loogie

Clarion, Pennsylvania: December 30, 2003 A former fast food chef will spend 90 days in jail for fixing a politician's hamburger with one too many ingredients - spittle. Joseph Arbuckle, 18, of Hawthorn, admitted fouling a burger ordered by Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron, when Arbuckle worked at the Burger King in Clarion in November. Ron discovered that Arbuckle had spit on the burger when he tried to remove the pickles from the sandwich. Ron is a well-known pickle-hater. A sample of the saliva from the burger was then tested against a sample taken from Arbuckle, who pleaded guilty to service of adulterated food and retaliation for past official action. Arbuckle got jail time for the food charge and two years' probation for the retaliation charge, which police say stemmed from Arbuckle's past run-ins with door-to-door politicians campaigning for votes. Arbuckle's probation, imposed Wednesday, might be cut short if he's accepted into the military. Ron had no comment, but held up a McDonald's bag in an apparant switch from Burger King to its chief rival.

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My dog loves cats. I just wish we
could find a canine toothpaste that gets
that icky cat-stench off his breath.

Brad Simanek @

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December 22, 2003


I bet Mafia kids get bummed when they
find out the tooth fairy doesn't take
other people's teeth. Or when they find
out there's no horse-head fairy at all.

Bill Muse @

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Scratching The Itch

Elizabeth, New Jersey: December 22, 2003

Highway police who stopped a driver they believed was using his cell phone erred twice. First, he was just scratching his ear. Second, he was a politician.

Ronatarian Party founder Ron showed the two officers that the last call from his phone went out the night before. He had called his mother, he said, to "cut the apron strings once and for all." The duo huddled, then came back and fined him $50 anyway.

The charge: driving while "holding his ear with his right hand in a permanent fashion."

"Am I on f*cking candid camera? What the f*ck is going on here!?!"

Ron recalls saying, according to Thursday's edition of The New Jersey Spew newspaper.

The flap happened November 10 while Ron drove into Newark, New Jersey on a busy highway in the morning rush hour.

Ron filed a 10-page appeal that The New Jersey Spew praised as a work of tongue-in-cheek art.

The appeal says the fine failed to say which ear was being held, or even how many ears Ron has, and argues that New Jersey law does not bar scratching them while driving or oblige motorists to pull over to do it.

Ron wrote: "To presume that this unconscious act cannot be performed would lead us to the absurd situation of having to wait to stop the vehicle in a place that does not pose a danger for other occupants of the road in order to scratch, by which time, depending on how bad the itch is, I probably would have crashed before finding an adequate place to stop, or the itch would have gone away, reducing the pleasure I get from scratching."

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December 14, 2003


Some see the glass as half empty, while others
see it as half full. I'd just like to know
who the hell drank half of my urine specimen.

(Brad Simanek)

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December 11, 2003


In the time it took for me to stop and smell
the roses, the S.W.A.T. team caught up to me.
Thanks for the *super* advice, Abby.

(Walter Means)

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December 09, 2003

Mouse Trap

Jersey City: December 9, 2003

A patron of a Popeye's restaurant says he bit into a mouse that had been fried along with the chicken.

Presidential candidate Ron says he was eating the second piece of his three-piece Happy Meal when he made the unappetizing discovery.

"At first I thought it was the toy," he said. "But then I realized the error in my thinking."

He immediately filed a complaint with the health department.

Officials say that same restaurant has been closed twice before for infestation or unsanitary conditions.

Inspectors checked the place yesterday and didn't find any rodents. But officials say they'll be back.

"I swear I'll clean up this country when I am in office," the hot-headed Ronatarian said. "Be it improved health inspections or an all-out war on vermin...I will make sure this does not happen again!"

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December 03, 2003


The next time you curse the fact that it's
Monday, just think of it as proof that you
made it through another weekend without
killing yourself by doing something stupid.

(Phil Garding)

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