October 27, 2003

Relief At 30,000 Feet

Manila, Philippines, October 27, 2003

The Philippine government press undersecretary has apologized for an American guest urinating while drunk on President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's chartered jet last month, newspapers reported Wednesday.

The Philippine Star daily said American Ronatarian Party leader Ron relieved himself near the plane's emergency exit, which he apparently mistook for a restroom.

Arroyo was on the other side of the plane en route to Manila from a visit to New York. She did not see the accident take place or Ron's exposed shlong.

"I deeply apologize about all the shattered expectations," The Star and Business World daily quoted Ron as saying in a cell phone message to reporters. "How I wish I could deny it, but I can't. I mean, when you gotta go, you gotta go...and that door looked like the can to me. Hell, I was drunk. Any opening looks like a toilet at that stage. It's just too bad it happened on such a large international stage."

"The problem is the situation went beyond everybody's control," said Ron. "I took it upon myself to piss where and when I needed to, you know? I didn't think it was going to blow up like this."

Filipino press Secretary Milton Alingod told reporters that Ron was on the jet trying to work on international relations with a country known for cheap labor, child pornography, sex vacations, and terrorism.

"They're my kind of people," Ron said upon returning to the United States.

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October 20, 2003

The Hair Of The Dog That Bit Ron

Jersey City, New Jersey: October 20, 2003 This dog was having a bad fur day. The dog, whose coat caught fire when a neighbor's vehicle backfired, ignited a grass fire just off NJ Rt. 13. Firefighters doused the grass fire and reported the dog was unhurt, only smelling of burnt hair. "I have been in firefighting for many years, but I have never seen anything like this happen," Jersey City Fire Chief Gary Gilmore said. It happened Saturday when a motorist, identified later as local political wanna-be Ron, ran out of gas just blocks from his Ronatarian Party headquarters. He put fuel in the tank of his legendary Camaro and then primed the carburetor. Upon restarting, the roadster backfired, throwing sparks onto the inquisitive dog and igniting the dog's fur. A passerby grasped the severity of the situation and rolled the dog in dry grass, putting out the flames on its coat but setting the grass afire. "It was the damndest thing," Ron said later. "Shit if I coulda seen that one coming down the pike."

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October 19, 2003


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October 09, 2003

Polly Want A Beer

Jersey City, New Jersey: October 9, 2003 A man claims a woman wrongly adopted his lost parrot -- and he can prove it if given a chance to question the bird in court. Henrietta, an 11-year-old African gray parrot, flew out of Ronatarian Party Headquarters on July 19 after a party guest who wasn't wearing her glasses accidentally walked into the screen door leading to the balcony. Ron keeps the bird at his political offices as a mascot for his loyal followers -- who often mimic his actions and words. On August 9, Pam Henry, of Newburg, Pennsylvania, adopted an African gray from the Newark Animal Shelter. Ron, convinced the bird is Henrietta, filed a lawsuit seeking an opportunity to depose the parrot. He is seeking $15,000 for pain and suffering if the bird turns out to be his beloved Henrietta. According to Ron, Henrietta's vocal repertoire includes whistling the theme song to short-lived sitcom "Square Pegs" and saying the phrase "Daddy's gotta win an election." Immediately after Henrietta left, Ron said, he had staffers call every animal agency in the area, including the Newark Animal Shelter. Ron said he again called the shelter in mid-July. A receptionist told him that an African gray had recently been adopted. Ron used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain the adoption records. Ron said he drove to Henry's home, but no one answered when he knocked on the front door. He said he saw a bird through the window and felt a connection. "She seemed like she tried to communicate with me," Ron said. "It was like old times with the cuttlebone." Ron was unable to determine if it could whistle the "Square Pegs" tune. Frustrated, he returned home. Henry declined to speak with a New Jersey Spew reporter who visited her house. "We have no comment," she said. "We're not going to fight this in the paper." "...But we will," retorted Ron. "My sweet Henrietta will be back home soon. I know it."

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