September 15, 2003

Star Spangled Junk

Cambridge, Massachusetts: September 15, 2003 A 2004 presidential candidate failed to win over his audience when he unzipped his pants on stage and exposed his penis -- painted red, white, and blue like the American flag. Ronatarian Party founder Ron was one of two performers battling for laughs (and votes) Friday night at a comedy club near Harvard University in Cambridge. As part of a September 11-themed contest, each contestant was asked to come up with an offensive sentence, describe Islam in 100 words or less, and pay a special tribute to America. Ron's "offensive sentence" enchanted the judges, who rewarded him with top marks. However, Ron lost points when he described Islam with just two (unprintable) words. Ron's "special tribute" involved decorating his penis with stars and stripes and showing it at the appropriate moment. Audience members laughed and several women fainted; a lone screamer shrilled at an impressive pitch; a waiter dropped a tray of glasses. Ron lost the contest. "I don't think my penis has ever been more embarrassed or looked so small," the politico told the New Jersey Spew on Saturday. "You would have thought the vertical stripes would have made it seem longer." Ron said he was not disappointed at having exposed himself in vain. "Cambridge is not a very patriotic place," he concluded.

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September 09, 2003

Badger badger badger badger. Mushroom mushroom.

Badger badger badger badger. Mushroom mushroom. Drink lots of coffee, then watch this.

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September 04, 2003

Call The Fashion Police

Long Beach Island, New Jersey: September 4, 2003 A man's skimpy swimsuit was too much - or too little - for Taco Bell workers. Employees at Taco Bell called police Monday when the man walked into the restaurant wearing only a tiny black Speedo swimsuit and a cut-off T-shirt during the Labor Day weekend. LBI Police Chief Henry Lathon said his attire, or lack thereof, was a little too revealing. "He was inappropriately dressed for a restaurant," said Lathon. He said the man had left his clothes "down the shore." The man, identified as Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad, faces a $500 fine and possible jail time if convicted of indecent exposure. According to New Jersey law, a person can be charged with indecent exposure if "he knows his conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm." Police ticketed Brad and took photos of him in the Speedo, for use in court. Other photos, taken in a back room of the police headquarters, were not released to the public. Brad was upbeat upon his release. He feels his chances of having this ordeal pass over quietly are "pretty damn good." He mentioned how the local police were "sympathetic" to his situation and "quite friendly once you get to know them well."

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September 03, 2003

Hit And Ron I

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 3, 2003:

Jogger and politico Ron never saw what hit him. It turns out he was blindsided by a whitetail deer.

"I went out for a jog about 20 to 6 Wednesday morning, and I was jogging on Seeler Street when all of a sudden I was face-down on the pavement," he said. "A woman who saw it all said I was hit by a deer. I never saw it coming."

Ron, representing the Ronatarian Party in the 2004 presidential election, was treated at St. Mary's Hospital for multiple injuries.

"It hit me from the side," Ron said. "I was told later that I was thrown about four feet by the impact."

Ron suffered a concussion, a chipped tooth, and some minor mustache damage. He also required four stitches to close an open wound on his nose.

Keith McCaffery, a retired deer biologist with the state Department of Natural Resources, said the accident was most likely not premeditated by the deer.

"He had to be distracted by something else," McCaffery said.

"Whitetails are not particularly protective, even of their young, because they are quite vulnerable to predation.

"They are not as willing to defend their young as, for example, moose which will often stand their ground against predators as large as bears."

"I am well aware of what moose are and what they can do," said Ron, referring to his 2001 encounter with a hermaphrodite moose in the Yukon Territory of Canada (see "Transtesticle Moose" article). "It's the damned deer I can't understand."

McCaffery has his own explanation of what happened.

"I think this incident is evidence that there are too many deer out there...and too many politicians."

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