Star Spangled Junk

Cambridge, Massachusetts: September 15, 2003 A 2004 presidential candidate failed to win over his audience when he unzipped his pants on stage and exposed his penis -- painted red, white, and blue like the American flag. Ronatarian Party founder Ron was one of two performers battling for laughs (and votes) Friday night at a comedy club near Harvard University in Cambridge. As part of a September 11-themed contest, each contestant was asked to come up with an offensive sentence, describe Islam in 100 words or less, and pay a special tribute to America. Ron's "offensive sentence" enchanted the judges, who rewarded him with top marks. However, Ron lost points when he described Islam with just two (unprintable) words. Ron's "special tribute" involved decorating his penis with stars and stripes and showing it at the appropriate moment. Audience members laughed and several women fainted; a lone screamer shrilled at an impressive pitch; a waiter dropped a tray of glasses. Ron lost the contest. "I don't think my penis has ever been more embarrassed or looked so small," the politico told the New Jersey Spew on Saturday. "You would have thought the vertical stripes would have made it seem longer." Ron said he was not disappointed at having exposed himself in vain. "Cambridge is not a very patriotic place," he concluded.

Posted by Webmaster at September 15, 2003 10:57 PM

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