March 31, 2009

Pistol Whipped

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 31, 2009:

Hudson County authorities said a restaurant owner pistol-whipped and beat a customer who complained that his takeout order was incorrect. The owner of Goomba's Pizzeria was charged with aggravated assault and battery with a deadly weapon and released on bail.

The customer, identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron, says he doesn't know what hit him.

"Motherf*cker f*cked me up!" Ron said. "What the f*ck?!?"

According to a police report, security footage from the pizzeria shows that the owner struck Ron with a gun. He then jumped over a counter and started to assault Ron and his roommate Brad.

Ron was at the pizzeria to collect a refund for a calzone, which he said was prepared incorrectly.

"I want a calzone my way," Ron said. "What's so f*cking hard about making it the way I like it?"

Ron was taken to a nearby hospital after the incident with a bloodied head. No harm to his trademark mustache was reported.

Posted by Bittle at 03:37 PM

March 19, 2009

Brazil Nuts

Trenton, New Jersey, March 19, 2009:

New Jersey is drawing the line when it comes to bikini waxing.

The state Cosmetology and Hairstyling Board is moving toward a ban on genital waxing altogether after two women and a man reported being injured.

Both unnamed women were hospitalized for infections following so-called "Brazilian" waxes. The man -- identified as Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad -- was also treated for injuries following a similar procedure.

Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed -- only the face, neck, abdomen, legs, and arms are permitted. But because the bare-it-all "Brazilian" version wasn't specifically banned, state regulators haven't enforced the law.

The board will decide on April 14 whether to adopt explicit language banning genital waxing.

The earliest the ban would take effect would be sometime in May, just ahead of swimsuit season.

Salons which continue to perform the "Brazilian" could face fines.

The New Jersey-based Ronatarian Party would not state its position on the proposed ban.

Posted by Bittle at 10:26 AM

March 16, 2009

Tanning Dread

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 16, 2008:

Authorities say a man escaped from a burning tanning bed just before it burst into flames, igniting a fire that damaged several stores and forced people to leave a shopping center. The New Jersey Spew reported Monday that no one was injured in the fire, including the man who jumped from the bed.

The man was identified as mustachioed local politician Ron.

The fire occurred Sunday at a tanning salon in Jersey City.

Ron said he heard a popping noise while working on his tan, then saw a flame at the corner of the tanning bed near his foot. Several dozen firefighters arrived at the scene to battle the blaze as shoppers and store workers gathered in the parking lot and the smell of charred plastic filled the air.

Authorities are investigating the cause of the blaze.

Ron was unharmed, but complained about the need to "even out [his] tan now."

Posted by Bittle at 09:12 AM