February 26, 2009

Car Wash Hero

Hoboken, New Jersey, February 26, 2009:

A car wash employee says she owes her life to a Jersey City politician who rushed to help her when her scarf became caught in a spinning scrubber brush and starting choking her.

Stephanie Carpluk says she was terrified as she desperately tried to free herself from the rotating brush while Ronatarian Party leader Ron's famed Camaro started moving through the Golden Nozzle car wash in Hoboken Thursday morning.

"The spinner spun my scarf around so it pulled me closer," Carpluk explained. "I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to do. I was just so scared."

Carpluk continued to struggle to remove the scarf before she lost consciousness. That's when Ron jumped out of his car and got her free by tearing the scarf with his teeth and hands.

The next thing Carpluk remembers is waking up in the arms of a mustached stranger who was encouraging her to breathe.

"I started hearing little things like, 'You're breathing. You're not half-bad looking. Are you registered to vote? You're going to be alright. Can I get a discount from this? If you don't make it out as a vegetable, would you volunteer for the Ronatarian Party?'" Carpluk said.

After freeing Carpluk from the scarf, Ron said he administered CPR until she began breathing again. Security camera footage shows Ron simply massaging Carplunk's chest and trying to kiss her. Local EMS could not confirm that what Ron did was technically CPR, but they do agree his actions probably saved her life.

Carplunk refuted all allegations that Ron might actually just be a perverted mess of a man, not her knight in shining armor. "There's no question about it, I would have been dead if he hadn't come," she said. "I won't hear any other word against [Ron]."

Carpluk is recovering from severe bruising around her neck and under her eyes. She says she hopes to thank Ron in person very soon.

No word on if Ron received a discount at the Golden Nozzle.

Posted by Bittle at 04:56 PM

February 17, 2009

Poem

I vehemently deny accosting any
of my dental patients. I think they
just fail to see the humor in my
custom-made Ron Jeremy dildo-drill.

(Mark D. Sabien) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 03:50 AM

February 10, 2009

Ski-Don't

Northfield, Vermont, February 10, 2009:

A vacationing man said he's feeling stiff and still a bit in shock, but was otherwise OK after his snowmobile collided with an Amtrak train. The man was identified as New Jersey-based politician Ron, who is in Vermont "for some [expletive] R&R and a decent wheel of cheddar [cheese]."

Authorities said the accident occurred early Tuesday morning, as Ron tried to cross railroad tracks in Northfield. Ron said he heard a whistle but didn't see the train in time.

Pieces of the snow machine ended up more than 100 feet down the tracks, but Ron was able to escape from the accident with just minor whiplash. His trademark mustache was unharmed.

Posted by Bittle at 11:49 AM

February 04, 2009

Poem

Sometimes I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if the
whole world could just live together in peace?"
But then I think, "Well, that really wouldn't
be fair to professional wrestlers, would it?"

(Lev Spiro) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:55 PM

February 02, 2009

Poem

I keep telling my wife: "It's NOT
cheating on you with your sister,
it's making love to you by proxy."
Some women just don't understand.

(Todd Loushine) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:13 PM