July 28, 2007

Poem

Women constantly chide men about
their lack of commitment, but when
she swears she'll never speak to me
again, it barely last three days!

(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 03:17 PM

July 25, 2007

Poem

Remember, there's no "I" in "TEAM" --
but there *is* an "EAT ME" if
you're willing to use the "E" twice.

(Lewis Shiner) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 01:54 AM

July 23, 2007

The Old Man and the Ron

Key West, Florida, July 23, 2007:

A white-bearded insurance agent from Florida won the Ernest Hemingway Look-Alike Contest, a highlight of the annual festival honoring the famed writer.

Larry Austin defeated 122 other contenders in the competition at Sloppy Joe's Bar, Hemingway's favorite watering hole when he lived in the Keys in the 1930s. The final round was held late Saturday, which would have been Hemingway's 108th birthday.

Austin, of Palm Harbor, said he shares Hemingway's fondness for Key West, cats and having a good time, though he has never attempted writing anything except insurance policies.

"When they called my name, I was in shock," said Austin, a 10-year veteran contestant who said his favorite Hemingway novel is "The Old Man and the Sea."

Contestants dressed in sportsman's attire paraded across the stage at Sloppy Joe's during preliminary rounds Thursday and Friday. Twenty-five prospective "Papas" made it to Saturday night's finals.

Ernest Hemingway's granddaughter Lorian Hemingway said the contest would appeal to her late grandfather.

"I think if he were to walk into Sloppy Joe's to see dozens of men hoping to look like him, he would be honored," she said. "In fact, I think if he might even break into tears, because the connection with him here in Key West goes so deep and all the look-alikes love this man."

Ernest Hemingway wrote many of his classic works, such as "For Whom the Bell Tolls" and "To Have and Have Not," in a small studio adjoining his Key West home.

There is still no Ron look-alike contest, which rankles those few supporters of the New Jersey-based Ronatarian Party. Rumor has it that an official sanctioned contest is in the works for 2008. Ron has written no great literary works.

Posted by Bittle at 02:16 PM

July 22, 2007

Poem

When I meet God, I'm gonna ask him one question:
Why did you make me so unattractive, yet so horny?

(Lindsay Acord) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 11:57 PM

July 19, 2007

The Sky is Falling!

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 19, 2007:

A hunk of metal that crashed through the roof of a home has NASA, Federal Aviation Administration, and New Jersey Transit officials scratching their heads.

Ron, who lives in the house, was watching television Wednesday when he heard a crash and saw a cloud of dust. In the next room, he found a hunk of gray metal, 3 1/2 inches by 5 inches, with two hexagonal holes in it.

Experts say it's manmade, but nobody can say where it might have come from.

New Jersey Transit has railroad tracks about 100 feet from the house, but spokesman Dan Stessel said the object isn't something that would have flown off a train.

FAA officials said it wasn't a part that would have fallen from a plane headed into or out of nearby Newark Liberty International Airport.

"It doesn't look very 'space-y,'" said Henry Kline, a spokesman for NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif. "It's obviously made for something ... But we wouldn't know what to do with it."

U.S. Air Force Major Costas Leonidou at the Pentagon said he couldn't identify the fallen object, either. "It could be Air Force, Navy, Marines, commercial. It could be anything," he said.

Authorities in Jersey City just want to get it identified. Ron wants more: monetary compensation.

"I think I deserve some cash for this nonsense," said an irate Ron. "I mean, whose sh*t fell through my roof?!? I'm still waiting for that airline to cover the other hole in my roof (see Chicken Little)."

"It belongs to somebody," Police Director Mark Smith said. "We just need to find out who."

Posted by Bittle at 08:21 AM

July 17, 2007

Volatile Mixture

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 17, 2007:

A man who was apparently trying to make fireworks touched off an explosion in his garage/workshop and set his house aflame Sunday, authorities said. No one was hurt.

The man behind the accident is local politician and known tinkerer Ron -- a man supposedly with an engineering degree.

Flash powder, used in fireworks, was found among chemicals in the garage, said Mike Campbell, a spokesman for the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.

A side of the attached garage was gutted, but the house didn't appear to be badly damaged.

"It just appears he may have been wanting to make his own homemade fireworks," Campbell said. "This is what happens when you do that."

Dangerous chemicals were stored in the garage and in a shed behind the house, said Capt. Chris Schaff, a spokesman for the Jersey City Fire and Rescue Department. Local officials asked the ATF and FBI to assist because of the nature of the chemicals.

Two adults, three ferrets, and a musk ox had to evacuate the home. Authorities were interviewing Ron Monday evening, and no charges had been brought. None are expected.

Posted by Bittle at 07:20 AM

July 16, 2007

Poem

After being caught relieving myself behind the mall
I've been told that I'll be tried by a jury of my pee-ers.

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:12 AM

July 11, 2007

Poem

The whole gay marriage thing is pretty stupid.
Why would anyone ever want to get married
to someone who isn't even pregnant?

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:52 AM

July 06, 2007

Poem

Considering that I live in the most technologically
advanced country in the world, it's eerie how many
women I meet who have disconnected phone numbers.

(Greg Muchnik) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:46 AM

July 03, 2007

Monumental Cheese

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 3, 2007:

It's George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, and Abe Lincoln -- carved out of a giant block of cheese.

Presidential candidate Ron used his carving tools to turn a 700-pound block of Land O' Lakes cheddar into a replica of Mount Rushmore.

The noted cheese lover was not commissioned by any company and said he created the edible sculpture "out of love for cheese and the American presidency."

He's hoping to get publicity for his word-of-mouth 2008 campaign through promotion of the sculpture. So far, no television programs have agreed to show Ron and the massive carving on the air. Same goes for radio, the internet, and printed media. No one seems interested giving the monumental replica any press.

Ron says the carving will eventually end up back in New Jersey and be cut into cubes to become a snack.

"It goes great with beer," he said.

Posted by Bittle at 07:35 AM

July 01, 2007

Poem

One morning my wife said, "I had the weirdest dream.
I dreamed I was helping Halle Berry have a baby."
"What a coincidence," I said. "I dreamed I
was helping Halle Berry have a baby, too!"
Then my wife got all tweaked.
Talk about a double standard!

(Ken Foster) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:11 PM