June 24, 2007

Poem

I had an embarrassing incident at the gym this
past weekend. I was caught square in the middle
of an argument between the people who call me the
Space Cowboy and the people who call me Maurice.

(John Crocker) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 11:32 PM | TrackBack

June 20, 2007

Salad Knife

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 20, 2007:

Someone kicked in the door of politician Ron's house, stuck a knife in the door, and took a chilled salad from his refrigerator.

Jersey City police said Ron reported the bizarre burglary on Tuesday. He told investigators someone broke into his home while he went to a nearby tavern. Nothing but the salad was missing, police said.

Police said they have a suspect in mind and expect to file charges once they finish their investigation.

Rumor has it that onetime Ron ally and friend N8 is currently in the greater New York City area. No concrete link between N8, the knife, and the stolen salad can be proven at this time.

Ron and Jersey City police refuse to comment on the details of the incident.

Posted by Bittle at 02:16 PM

June 19, 2007

Poem

Don't bother trying to join the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. It turns
out they're apparently against all three.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:23 AM

June 14, 2007

Poem

I tried to tell myself that getting fired was
just a part of my personal and professional
journey, and not at all emasculating.
Until, that is, they mentioned the words
"severance" and "package" in the same sentence.

(David Weinraub) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:18 AM

June 12, 2007

Poem

My boss keeps saying there's no "I" in "TEAM."
I finally told him since "I" was not needed
here, he could find "M E" at the strip club
down the street checking out the "T" and "A."

(Bad Macaw) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:14 AM

June 11, 2007

Poem

There's no way to prove this, and we'll
probably never really know, but I'd be
willing to bet that it was a guy who
first came up with the concept of porn.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:21 PM | TrackBack

June 08, 2007

Watch the Birdy

West Des Moines, Iowa, June 8, 2007:

A ball hit by Rob Lowe during a celebrity golf game hit the Iowa state bird in mid-flight Wednesday.

The 43-year-old actor was hitting an approach shot on the fourth hole when his ball hit a goldfinch, dropping about 50 yards short of the green, The Des Moines Register reported.

As the rest of the players in his group broke out in laughter and applause, Lowe raised his arms in mock celebration.

"That's my birdie," he said after looking at the bird, which lay motionless on the ground.

"That's unbelievable. Who comes here and kills the state bird? Only me."

Lowe, who appears on ABC's Brothers & Sisters, was playing in Principal Charity Classic Pro-Am at the Glen Oaks Country Club. He also starred in NBC's The West Wing.

In an related story, Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron killed a goldfinch Thursday morning when he "accidentally" hit it with his car. He insisted that the bird "took off too late" as he approached it in his famed Camaro.

However, witnesses claim the car accelerated as it approached the bird -- which was perched in a small bush some 10 feet away from the road.

Ron reported no damage to his vehicle and seemed to be proud of his actions, saying: "It's not everyday you get to kill something you love. Celebrities like Rob Lowe and O.J. didn't corner the market in that."

Both Iowa and New Jersey claim the Eastern Goldfinch as their state bird.

Posted by Bittle at 07:17 AM

June 06, 2007

Scrap Metal

Bay City, Michigan, June 6, 2007:

Buying a keg for your next party just got a little more expensive. Large breweries have complained about losing thousands of beer kegs a year in Michigan because retail beer customers have been selling off the stainless steel barrels at scrap yards rather than returning them to stores to get their $10 deposit back.

As a result, state alcohol officials have boosted the deposit from $10 to $30, The Bay City Times reported Tuesday.

The action ruffled political feathers 700 miles away in New Jersey where Ronatarian Party leader Ron learned of the price increase.

"That's f*cking outrageous!" screamed Ron in front of his local beer distributor. "Who's got an extra 20 bucks for this nonsense? The federal government should intervene in matters like this. If I were president, the beer consumers of the United States would not be burdened by a ridiculous financial obligation like this, that's for sure."

"Sh*t like this makes me furious! The good people of Michigan need relief."

For scrap-metal thieves, anything is fair game -- siding, gutters, spools of electric cable, pipes, even beer kegs. Some of the more brazen ones raid salvage yards, then sell the stolen metal back to the businesses.

Thefts of copper wire, auto parts and aluminum siding let crooks tap the market for scrap metal, where some items brought record amounts per pound in May, said Tim Neal, materials manager at a Bay City scrap yard.

"Copper prices peaked out about a month ago at more than $3 a pound," Neal said.

Stainless steel was worth about 25 cents a pound late in 2005, but fetched about $1.75 per pound in early May, he said.

It costs a beer manufacturer about $152 to buy a new half-barrel when one disappears, according to Ken Wozniak of the Michigan Liquor Control Commission.

He said a Michigan brewing company asked the commission last year to raise the $10 deposit to $90 per keg.

"The Commission thought that request was a little steep," Wozniak said. "The purpose of the increase in the barrel deposit to $30 was to ensure the return of the keg, not necessarily to cover the (beer manufacturer's) cost of the keg."

"It's all about money these days," Ron concluded, "And I don't like it one goddamn bit. It used to be about the beer, man."

Posted by Bittle at 07:05 AM

June 04, 2007

Poem

Jesus and I have a lot in common.
We are both friendly towards prostitutes.

(Tom Sims) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 04:40 AM