May 31, 2007

Poem

Whenever I think my life is as weird as
it could possibly get, I remember the
bathtub full of monkeys and power tools.
Then I realize I still have a way to go.

(Phillip Garding) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:04 AM

May 30, 2007

Poem

They say God knows everything before it happens.
That is so awesome. I mean, I only know when
cats in my neighborhood are going to disappear.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:47 AM

May 25, 2007

Chicken Little

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 25, 2007:

A local politician believes a chunk of blue ice from the holding tank of an aircraft toilet ripped a hole in his roof and destroyed his bed.

Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron was trimming his famous mustache when the ice crashed into the house Thursday night.

"It was a huge crash. It shook the whole building, but I thought it was a car," Ron said. "I almost cut my lip on that one."

Ron went outside to investigate but found nothing, so he returned to his mustache upkeep.

He didn't discover the chunk of ice on his bed and the 2-foot-wide hole in the ceiling until Friday morning.

"I passed out on the couch downstairs last night," Ron admitted.

Federal Aviation Administration spokesman Ian Gregor said if the offending chunk of ice is from an airplane, then it is likely the cause of a leak in a holding tank of the aircraft's bathroom.

Blue ice occurs when waste leaks from a plane's bathroom onto the outside of the plane and freezes at high altitudes. The liquid begins to thaw as the plane descends, Gregor said.

"I don't care where the [expletive] it comes from or how it forms," Ron screamed, "I [expletive] want someone to fix what it broke...for free. I ain't gonna pay for that [expletive]!"

Posted by Bittle at 08:56 AM

May 24, 2007

Poem

If you simply put crystal meth in your
cat's food and spray him with Endust once
a day, you'll never need to dust again.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:55 PM

May 22, 2007

Coming Unglued

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 22, 2007:

A gang of armed robbers forced a man to strip naked and then glued him to his exercise bike and sealed his lips with more glue while they ransacked his house, according to a published newspaper article.

Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad was left stuck to the bike with super-strong glue for three hours until he was rescued by Ronatarian leader, and fellow housemate, Ron.

Brad was carjacked Monday while driving his tricked-out Dodge Neon in Newark's seedy downtown, the New Jersey Spew reported.

His assailants, dressed in suits and armed with handguns and an automatic assault rifle, forced their way into Brad's car and made the politico drive to his house.

"The victim was then forced to strip, after which he was super-glued to the seat of an exercise bicycle, his hands were super-glued as were his feet and then his mouth was super-glued shut," Kevin Stocker, spokesman for New Jersey Office of Emergency Medical Services (OEMS), told reporters. Emergency workers provided aid at the scene.

Stocker said the robbers ransacked Brad and Ron's house while "helping themselves to Milwaukee's Best and the like."

"It's not the first time I've seen something like this...with Brad," said Ron. "But it was the first time some a**hole took sh*t from the house afterwards. I hope the cops find these sick bastards and lock 'em up!"

Posted by Bittle at 05:29 PM

May 14, 2007

Poem

On the breasts of a barmaid at Yale
Are tattooed all the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Are the same, but they're written in Braille.

(innocentenglish.com)

Posted by Bittle at 08:18 AM

May 09, 2007

Poem

I think the best part about my being so
paranoid is that I always know somebody cares.

(Dave Stapel) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:39 AM

May 04, 2007

Horse Cents

Wayne, New Jersey, May 4, 2007:

An early-morning bank customer had a bit of a shock when he found a horse already in line at the automatic teller machine in front of him. It seems the horse's rider, identified as Ronatarian leader Ron, had a bit too much to drink the night before and decided to sleep it off inside the bank's protected foyer, police said Thursday.

The quasi-famous politico told The New Jersey Spew he had quaffed "a few beers" with a friend in town and decided to hit the hay in the bank on his way home. He had rented the horse for the day and "just lost track of time."

"It was late...it was already dark and cold," Ron was quoted as saying. "I was plenty drunk and I wanted to go to sleep."

Confronted with the lack of a hitching-post, he brought the 6-year-old horse, named Sammy, in along with him.

When a customer came across the horse and sleeping rider in the bank at 4:15 a.m. Thursday, he called police, who then came and woke Ron up and sent him on his way.

No charges were filed, but there might be some cleanup needed: Apparently Sammy made his own after-hours deposit on the carpet.

Posted by Bittle at 04:53 AM

May 01, 2007

Poem

I think the best part about being reincarnated as a
dog would be not having to explain to the judge why
you chose to relieve yourself on the police cruiser.

(Dave Juurlink) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:04 AM