November 21, 2016

adidas Limited Edition Barricade 2016 Mustachio Shoe

November 21, 2016:

According to Ron, it's time for you -- the man -- to buy the manliest tennis shoe ever created by adidas!

Celebrate Ron and Movember with the limited edition Mustachio!

This Limited Edition Barricade 2016 celebrates that special time of the year when we let our flavor savers sprout to help raise awareness for men's health plus support Ronatarian candidate Ron in his political endeavors. A full grain leather upper highlights the "barber shop"-inspired look, complete with a mustache embroidered right into the front of the tongue. Celebrate those beautiful lip rugs and stay classy in this very special version of adidas' premier tennis shoe.

Honor Ron in his ever-fervent love for November by purchasing these f*cking shoes!

Posted by Bittle at 12:35 PM

November 19, 2016

Poem

In honor of World Toilet Day, Ron has composed a haiku to support DefeatDD -- an initiative combating diarrheal diseases from the global health nonprofit PATH.

When you have to go,
It's damn important to know,
You won't be in woe.

Posted by Bittle at 11:50 AM

November 15, 2016

Poem

Good news: I just came into
a large amount of money.
Bad news: I'm no longer allowed
to tour the Federal Reserve Bank.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:05 PM

November 10, 2016

Poem

Saw an empty package of kale chips
on the ground and now I want to know
what kind of crappy hippy insists
on eating kale chips but litters?

(R.M. Weiner) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:07 AM

November 08, 2016

Vote

Posted by Bittle at 06:36 AM

November 02, 2016

Face Full of Flatulence

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 2, 2016:

Farting leads to problems. Big problems. And no one knows that more than Ron. Remember that time when he forced an airplane to make an emergency landing? (See Fartinosis.)

According to the New Jersey Spew, Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron recently faced four counts of child cruelty after he allegedly walked up to a kid who was lying down and busted ass in his face.

The boy was apparently reclining on the grass in a park when Ron approached him and let loose. It's unclear what relationship Ron has to the unidentified boy.

Prosecutor Paul Anaconda described Ron's actions as "cruel and bullying," while Ron himself described the action as "play-fighting"

The boy took the stand and said, "I know he farted because I heard the noise ... He was right next to me and bending down. He was wearing shorts, his shorts were right next to my face."

The boy claimed he asked Ron why he did it, to which the local politico purportedly replied, "[I] wanted to be nasty."

Anaconda said the same type of incident among adults may be considered "horseplay" but said it's "highly inappropriate" when the victim is a child.

"I only gassed him one time and it wasn't on purpose," testified Ron, "How did I know that little [kid] was behind me?"

Of course, that’s not the way the kid saw it and he let everybody in the courtroom know just how bad Ron's air biscuits scarred him.

"I'm frightened for my future," said the tearful boy in his closing remarks.

But the judge ruled in in Ron's favor as he declared, "The evidence is only hearsay. It's a whisper in the wind."

Upon leaving the courtroom, Ron's lone statement to the press was: "Pull my finger!"

Posted by Bittle at 10:11 AM