April 30, 2008

Black and White and Read All Over

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 30, 2008:

Balloons apparently were boring. A man returning home from a campaign whistle stop tour in the Midwest found his home completely wrapped in newspaper.

"As soon as the headlights hit the house it was like, 'What the [heck] happened?'" said Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron. "I've never seen anything like this before. I can't say I'm too happy about it either. [Expletive]"

Ron and his running mate Brad returned from the Omaha airport about 9:30 p.m. Tuesday to find the unusual welcome home decorations.

The pranksters were Ronatarian Party volunteers, left behind in New Jersey due to self-imposed budgetary restrictions by the party. They volunteered to remove the newsprint. It took three hours to wrap the house.

"Some of these [guys] have too much free time on their hands," Ron said. "I'll put a stop to that. I'll crack skulls if I have to."

Posted by Bittle at 08:04 AM

April 26, 2008

Poem

Man, they are so strict at my new job.
It's constantly: "No personal calls,"
"Don't surf the Web," "Put your pants back on."
I mean, who can work in an environment like that?

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:04 AM

April 22, 2008

Eric Byrnes

From the articles below, it is obvious that 32-year-old Arizona Diamondbacks left fielder Eric James Byrnes supports Ron's 2008 presidential bid.

Phoenix, Arizona, April 20, 2008:

Eric Byrnes has a simple explanation for his 14-game hitting streak.

"My mustache," Byrnes said.

The idea came from a mustache party Byrnes attended in the offseason, when he had 10 days to grow one from the time of a dinner at the White House to the party. Rumor has it that the party was hosted by Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron in his New Jersey home.

Byrnes figured since he could grow a "presentable" mustache in 10 days for the party, that would give him a goal to shoot for.

"I knew if I could hit in 10 straight, just something to get me going at the beginning of the year, get a little visible mustache growing, that would be great," Byrnes said.

Byrnes last shaved before Arizona's fourth game of the season at Colorado. He scraped out a hit per day to get it started before recording multiple hits in four of his next five. He's hitting .362 during the streak.

His teammates have joined the party, as Chris Burke told Byrnes on the third day that he would start growing a mustache in support if Byrnes extended his streak to 10 games.

Bench coach Kirk Gibson is growing one as well, and pitcher Dan Haren has said he will not shave until he loses a game.

Byrnes' streak appeared to be in jeopardy Saturday when he went 0-for-2 with a pair of walks and was scheduled to hit eighth in the eighth, which looked like it could be the last inning for Arizona to hit, being up 4-3.

But the D-backs scored six runs in that inning, including a two-run double from Byrnes to extend the streak.

"I was all prepared to shave it last night, and a small miracle happened where eight guys went to the plate and I got that last at-bat," Byrnes said. "It would have been tough to lose it on an 0-for-2 and a couple walks, but oh, well. It's something to have fun with."

As for what would happen if Byrnes comes anywhere close to a DiMaggio-esque streak? "I'll be looking like a walrus," Byrnes said.

-----

Phoenix, Arizona, April 22, 2008:

In two minutes, Eric Byrnes' 17-day mustache was history. Not that it is gone for good. "I'm declaring 2008 the year of the mustache," said Byrnes, who wore the growth during his 14-game hitting streak but shaved immediately after going 0-for-4 Sunday.

"It was a good run. It'll be back; you guys have not seen the last of the 'stache," he said. 'I'm going with the 'stache all year. I actually was starting to like it. It was starting to grow on me. I will have a 1970s porn 'stache the entire year."

Byrnes was 21-for-62 (.339) with eight doubles during his streak, which began April 4 in Colorado. It is the fourth-longest streak of his career.

Posted by Bittle at 08:02 AM

April 21, 2008

Tankin' It

Paramus, New Jersey, April 21, 2008:

A man felt the pain of the gas tank, and he wasn't even at a pump. Politician Ron's dilemma occurred Sunday afternoon in the parking lot of a pharmacy when he apparently tried to clear some gunk from around the opening of the gas tank. His finger got stuck in his gas tank's opening.

"His finger went in past the knuckle and was stuck," Paramus Fire Department Capt. Nolan Locke said. "People had sprayed WD40 all over, but that didn't work."

Locke said rescue workers tried several ways to free Ron without cutting the metal because he didn't want them to damage his prized Camaro. But they eventually had to cut through.

"We started with a Sawzall, but the vibrations made it too painful for him," Locke told The New Jersey Spew. "Then we used tin snips to finish it."

He said it took about 25 minutes to get the fuel valve out, with Ron still stuck. Ron was then taken to Bergen Regional Medical Center, where doctors worked to free his finger.

"I've been a firefighter for 16 years and I've never seen anything like it before," Locke said. "I've never seen a grown man cry like that either. When we started cutting that car to free him, [Ron] was weeping like a child. He was sobbing and convulsing. In my eyes, it was pathetic."

Doctors said Ron was not injured, although he may have suffered a bit of a bruised ego. Ron refused to comment on the incident.

Posted by Bittle at 08:54 AM

April 17, 2008

Poem

The optimist says the glass is half full.
The pessimist says it is half empty.
The nurse says, "Just shut up and finish
filling the bottle so we can do your drug test."

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:40 AM

April 15, 2008

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.
Barmen.

- Ted Guhl

Posted by Bittle at 08:06 AM

April 13, 2008

Poem

If I were that famed limerick guy from
Nantucket, I'd have made a lucrative career
for myself in the adult entertainment industry.
But I'd probably still do that other thing, too.

(Allen Lindsey) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 11:04 PM

April 09, 2008

Ax to Grind

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 9, 2008:

Two roommates thwarted a would-be robber by threatening him with a decorative ax and tearing off his mask before he fled their home, authorities said.

Ronatarian Party leaders Ron and Brad were startled from sleep at about 6:30 a.m. Wednesday because of a loud noise, authorities said. Brad told police he saw a man with a handgun inside his home. The man pointed the gun at him and asked for money, authorities said.

Brad told the intruder he only had a few dollars in change, which seemed to frustrate the man, police said.

Ron wife then grabbed a decorative ax from the wall and demanded he leave the home.

"While Ron had the ax pointed at the intruder, he was able to reach up and claw his mask off. That's when we got a good look at him," Brad said.

The man fled, and the dynamic political duo chased him outdoors but was unable to stop him.

The intruder is described being in his 20s, standing a little taller than 6 feet and with blonde hair. He was wearing khaki pants with a Lehigh University sweatshirt.

Posted by Bittle at 04:54 AM

April 07, 2008

Poem

Some aspects of the Bible I find a little troubling.
For instance, if Jesus truly believed in non-violence,
why did he destroy the Death Star?

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 03:06 AM

April 04, 2008

Poem

I think I learned a couple of valuable life
lessons that night. One: The old adage about
setting your sights on something and just grabbing
for it doesn't necessarily apply in strip clubs.
Two: Metal toilets are cold.

(Tristan Fabriani) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 02:59 PM

April 02, 2008

Poem

It never fails: Whenever I try to get romantic
with a woman, I always start crying uncontrollably.
I guess pepper spray will do that to ya.

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 11:28 PM