August 30, 2001

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 235 - August 30, 2001


Today's experiment involved putting the Ron Apples next to a blue monster, a grey kitty cat and a red fish. Results were unstaggering. To liven up the situation, we invited Britney over. You will be astounded by the results...


Ahhh.. much better. Sure her music sucks, but the Ron Apples seem to be much happier (especially the Ron Pear who got to cop a feel on the right hooter).


Al Jourgenson of Ministry explains:
Although I fully endorse Ron as our ideal presidential candidate, I do not approve of this ditsy skank hanging out with his effigies. It gives our boy Ron a bad image.

I'm going to make it my personal mission to get Ron's image on the right track. Perhaps my next tune will be "Ron Built My Mustang".

I don't think the Ron Apple Experiments are going to have any real results until we light the Ron Pear on fire or mingle them with a group of porn stars.

Great words of wisdom from one of Ron's role models. It's all coming together, folks.

Posted by Ron at 10:24 PM | TrackBack

August 28, 2001

Ron n' Selleck

August 28, 2001: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil Former U.S. presidential candidate Ron gave tourists visiting Rio de Janeiro's picturesque beaches something else to gawk at on Monday when he went bikini shopping with American actor Tom Selleck. A gaggle of photographers, beachgoers, and security men followed Ron and Selleck, famous for his role of Thomas Magnum on "Magnum P.I.", along the trendy Panema beach promenade. Brazilian television showed Ron -- clad in Bermuda shorts, sneakers, and a T-shirt reading "Ron Rocks Rio!" -- knocking a volley ball around and admiring a sand sculpture as passersby stared. But the high point came when the two mustached men entered the Blue Man beachwear boutique to check out Brazil's most famous fashion product -- the bikini. According to TV Globo, Ron spent $143 on two bikinis, a thong, and three sarongs. It was not immediately clear who he was shopping for. Reports from New Jersey beaches suggest that Ron may return to American shores in exotic swimwear to create a buzz for his 2004 presidential campaign. Ron, whose minuscule rise in U.S. politics was highlighted by a failed presidential campaign, is due to give a speech to professors and students at the Armando Alvares Penteado Foundation in Sao Paulo on Tuesday. Ron and Selleck are then heading to the spectacular Iguassu waterfall on the border with Argentina. There, they hope to finally settle the heated South American dispute over "paper or plastic".

Posted by Webmaster at 10:38 PM | TrackBack

August 21, 2001

Swedes

August 21, 2001: Stockholm, Sweden Eight out of 10 women in Sweden would like to have sex more often and over half said they had been unfaithful to their partners, the tabloid Aftonbladet reported on Tuesday. In a poll of 1,700 women, two thirds said it was a myth that men are keener on sex than women. The same proportion said they had had sex on a first date, according to the poll which Aftonbladet said was to be published in the next edition of the magazine Cafe. A similar poll taken by American Ronatarian Party founder Ron discovered that no Swedish women were keen to have sex with him. The poll carries an error margin of 2.5 percent. Asked to rank the most important qualities in a male partner, Swedish women listed style, looks, intelligence, money, and influence. Ron conceded that he had none of these qualities, but he would try to obtain them on the black market.

Posted by Webmaster at 11:02 PM | TrackBack

August 20, 2001

Ron Speaks Out On Sex In Italy

August 20, 2001: Italy Nearly four in 10 Italian teenage males had their first sexual experience with a prostitute, according to a survey reported in Rome's la Repubblica newspaper on Saturday. The survey, conducted by Help Me, an Italian volunteer aid group, said 37 percent of 14 to 18 year-olds polled had paid for their first sexual encounter, either with a prostitute or a transsexual. American political activist Ron commented that he felt more American youth should model their behavior after their peers in Italy. "Why not get a little professional training before the main event?" said Ron from his Far East headquarters in Hong Kong. "I think it is educational...and American children need better education -- especially when it comes to sex." Respondents said they did it because they feared failing the first time with their own girlfriends or because they gave in to pressure from peers telling them to do it. Help Me said the findings raised concerns about the psychological impact on teenagers of having such "cold" contact with women as a first experience, but also, more worryingly, increased the risk of teenagers contracting HIV and AIDS. Ron added that using a condom, even with someone you don't know, is probably the best policy.

Posted by Webmaster at 11:30 PM | TrackBack

August 16, 2001

Roncouver

Vancouver, British Columbia: August 16, 2001 Police in British Columbia hope they have made their point with a man attempting to walk across the vast western Canadian province -- he must keep his clothes on. The man, who was identified as former U.S. presidential candidate Ron, received a stern warning after he was detained this week in two southeastern British Columbia communities for walking naked along the highway, police said on Wednesday. "He was firmly told that next time he has to keep his pants on," said Corporal Doug Barron of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police in Creston, British Columbia, who detained Ron on Tuesday near the town about 460 miles east of Vancouver. The Ronatarian Party founder, who spoke only in political jibberish, told authorities he was walking to Vancouver and had removed his clothes because he was hot. He was given a brief mental exam after his first arrest on Monday in the village of Yahk, then released.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:22 PM | TrackBack