September 29, 2016

Snake Bite

Snake Bite

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 29, 2016:

A New Jersey wanna-be politician is recovering from a bloody encounter with a 10-foot python that slithered through the plumbing of his home and latched its jaws onto his penis as he was using the toilet.

Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron was smiling as television stations interviewed him in his hospital bed about the intimate intrusion, and doctors said he would recover. But photos of his blood-splattered bathroom in Jersey City were testimony to his ordeal.

The 40-something politico told The New Jersey Spew that he struggled to remove the snake for 30 minutes Wednesday before he managed to free himself with help from his running mate Brad and some constituents. After Brad tied a rope around the snake, Ron pried open its jaws before passing out.

Emergency workers dismantled the "heavily soiled" toilet, with the python still twined through it. The snake was taken away to be "made into some goddamn boots," according to Ron. (Animal control agents refute this claim and insist the snake will not be harmed.)

Oddly enough, this is not the first time Ron has been attacked by a snake while on the commode (Toilet Snake).

Doctors said Ron, bloodied but unbowed, will recover.

"He has a lot of fight in him...even though his 'partner' was a weeping idiot. Ron's been smiling and giving interviews all day from his bed," hospital director Dr. Chris Jones said.

Posted by Bittle at 09:32 AM