February 26, 2007

Poem

I am a servant of Entropy
Because if you can't beat it, you might as well join it,
And where I walk, the sidewalks crumble,
And if I touch your TV set it'll break,
And when I go out camping there's a forest fire,
And if I embrace you, you will die,
Because I am a servant of Entropy,
And you can't beat it, so you might as well join it.

(Tom Swiss) @infamous.net

Posted by Bittle at 08:37 AM

February 20, 2007

Poem

I'm not laughing at you -- I'm laughing
with my friends who are laughing at you.

(Mark Stubbs) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 10:00 AM

February 17, 2007

Call Mr. Plow

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 17, 2007:

The wintry blast was a perfect opportunity for Ron to put his robot plow through its paces.

For almost two years, Ron -- an engineer by education, but a career politician -- has often done snow clearing from the comfort of his living room, watching from the window as the converted golf cart with plow attachment clears his driveway while he operates the remote control.

"It's funny, we'll see people look at it really strange, and my mentor will be standing in the window," said Ron's political and life companion, Brad. "It's amazing. He's amazing."

Ron said the plow is a converted 4 horsepower electric golf cart, geared down for a slower speed and more power to shovel snow.

The plow can handle six to eight inches of snow, Ron said. "This snow is a bit hard on it because there was freezing rain last night. It's a bit crusty," he said Thursday. "It f*cked with the transmission, but I tweaked it and now it works real good."

Ron tosses around ideas for some other projects, possibly a remote-control lawn mower or cow tipper, but he had little encouragement from Brad.

"I want him to get out in the political world again...back into debating the issues," he said. "He needs to focus on the 2008 presidential campaign. Obama's not going to lose on his own."

Posted by Bittle at 03:59 AM

February 16, 2007

Poem

If men have a funny way of looking
at life, maybe it's because
we always view it through
the periscope in our pants.

(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:01 AM

February 15, 2007

Poem

Catch a falling star and put it in your
pocket. Then tell it that unless you
get a cool half-mil, you'll sell to the
highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing
photos of it puking naked in the alley.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 04:18 PM

February 14, 2007

Hot Neon

Newark, New Jersey, February 14, 2007:

A wanna-be politician who reported that his car was stolen got a surprise when he learned a woman had mistaken it for her daughter's car and taken it -- using her key.

Suzanne Shaw of Nutley became an accidental car thief when she went to pick up her daughter's car near an Essex County College building last week. Shaw spotted the tricked out Dodge Neon and used her daughter's key to unlock the car, start the engine, and drive home -- without realizing that the car wasn't her daughter's.

When Ronatarian Party official Brad left the student union after posting political bulletins a short time later, he found only an empty parking spot. He first assumed the car, made in the mid-1990s, had been towed, but when police couldn't find a record of it, they took a theft report.

"I thought it was very, very bizarre," he said. "Then I thought it was Ron playing a prank on me. He's famous for that."

The Ron he speaks of is Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron. The radical political party's headquarters are in nearby Jersey City.

Dodge spokesman Bill Jenkins said key technology wasn't as sophisticated last decade, and there were only so many ways to cut a key, making it possible for such a mix-up to occur. He said the company now has a microchip embedded in the keys for 90 percent of its vehicles that allows them to start only with the correct key.

The morning after Shaw took the car, her daughter discovered the Neon in the driveway wasn't hers. Shaw said she was able to find Brad's name on political pamphlets in the glove compartment and look up his e-mail on the Ronatarian Party website.

When Shaw told Brad the car was in her driveway, "It sounded real fishy at first, like maybe she wanted to hold the thing for ransom," Brad said. "But then I thought about how much that piece of junk is actually worth. No one would steal it and then try to sell it back to me."

He eventually went to the house with a police officer, where he was reunited with his car. According to a police report, the case was closed "because of mistaken car identity." Shaw wasn't charged.

Brad seemed to blame the car company more than the "thief." "Her key fit not only my lock, but my ignition as well -- so high-five for Dodge, I guess," he said.

Posted by Bittle at 07:21 AM

February 09, 2007

Poem

When my parents come to visit, I force them
to smoke pot and do straight shots of whiskey.
Hey, when you're in MY house, you live by MY rules.

(Stephanie Thompson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:17 AM

February 06, 2007

Poem

As I was lying in bed that night, I got to
thinking, "What would Jesus do?" That didn't
prove much help, so I got a bit more specific:
"What would Jesus do with a dead hooker's body?"

(Brian Tobin) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 07:32 PM

February 05, 2007

Poem

When I got my kids back from foster care
dressed as a gay biker, a cowboy and a cop,
it occurred to me that maybe it really does
take the Village People to raise a child.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:09 AM

February 01, 2007

Tossing the Old Pig(skin)

Suffern, New York, February 1, 2007:

When pigs fly, indeed. Ronatarian Party leader Ron, of Jersey City (N.J.), has been fined $279 for tossing a pig over the counter at the Holiday Inn in Suffern on January 19. Ron pleaded no contest Wednesday in county court to a charge of disturbing the peace.

Rockland County Police Lt. Jon Weiss has said Ron didn't know the employees of the hotel. There was no evidence intoxication was a factor, which is strange for a case involving Ron or his so-called political party supporters.

No one was hurt, including the pig, officers said.

"This was the silliest thing I've ever seen," Weiss said. "Almost every officer we had was involved because the incidents kept happening at different hours."

Weiss said Ron was accused of walking into the hotel and throwing the 60-pound pig over the counter.

"He said it was a prank," Weiss said. "It must be some sort of Jersey thing, because I haven't ever heard of anything like it."

Weiss said there have been four late-night incidents involving animal-tossing at Suffern businesses. Twice a pig was tossed and two of the incidents involved possums. No concrete link to Ron has been found in those other cases, but officers suspect he had a hand in each of the "pranks."

All four of the disturbances took place between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., Weiss said.

Weiss concluded by saying that the incident "won't be on [Ron's] personal record, but that guy had better be careful his stupidity doesn't land him in deeper trouble somewhere down the line."

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