January 30, 2007

Train in Vain

Newark, New Jersey, January 30, 2007:

A drunk man who tried to climb over a freight train stopped at a downtown crossing ended up going for a ride when the train took off. The man, identified as Ronatarian leader Ron, called 911 from his cell phone early Sunday when the train reached the Roselle Park area west of Newark because he was cold and wanted off, said Essex County Deputy Sheriff Shawn Getz.

Dispatchers called CSX Railway, which alerted the train conductor.

"A few miles west of Roselle Park they were able to stop the train and Ron got off," Getz said.

Authorities said the Ron did not require any medical treatment, and the railroad did not press charges. He was taken to a detox center and released on Monday morning, Getz said.

Posted by Bittle at 07:54 AM

January 24, 2007

Poem

Sure, Hugh Hefner may get laid a lot more than
I do, but I figure I watch much more TV than
he does, so I guess it all evens out in the end.

(Chris MacEachen) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:46 AM

January 21, 2007

Poem

Gerald Ford was a former member of the
Warren Commission, so I can understand
why the Castro/Chicago Mafia/C.I.A. shadow
government bumped him off. I just can't
understand why they took out James Brown.

(Chuck Sawyer) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:36 AM

January 18, 2007

Poem

As a professional escape artist, I thought my
date would be impressed by my ability to avoid
paying the dinner check, but she threw a fit.
Had she been more appreciative, I'd have stuck
around to help her get out of the police car.

(Donald Junter) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 02:12 PM

January 15, 2007

Club Bopping

New York, New York, January 15, 2007:

A local politician was detained for public intoxication after claiming he was robbed by naked and scantily clad attackers at a male strip club, authorities said.

Police arrested Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad early Sunday outside Club Nubian Fantasee, a dance club that becomes an all-nude male revue after midnight. Police said he told them he was attacked by three men, one naked and another in only a towel.

Brad told police the men threw him out of the club and stole his wallet, though he later found the wallet. Club employees told police they removed Brad, who said he was there "picking up a companion," because he was causing a disturbance. Brad later called the incident "just stupid, just really frivolous" and said he was only trying to get his wallet back.

Brad was released when the club decided not to press charges. However, he has been banned from the club for a year.

Posted by Bittle at 03:55 PM

January 12, 2007

FOAD

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 12, 2007:

The vanity plates of Ronatarian Party leader Ron are going to get a makeover. Ron said he received a letter Thursday from the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission notifying him that he must change the plates on his classic Chevrolet Camaro.

The plates read: FOAD69. Among some members of the military and computer users, FOAD stands for "(expletive deleted) off and die."

In December, the state asked Ron to explain the acronym. He said he told them it stands for "fuzzy overbites are divine" -- a reference to his famous mustache.

The State of New Jersey didn't buy it and the MVC wants Ron to change his plates.

People who have their vanity plates revoked are able to apply for another set of plates at no cost. The state gives plate-holders 15 business days from when the recall letter is received to submit a new order. If the state does not receive a response within 30 days, it issues a standard plate.

Ron said he'll request new vanity plates. He hasn't decided what they'll say. "I will put on my thinking cap and fill out the form," he said. "Obviously, it will have something to do with booze or cheese or hookers or thermodynamics or leopards or..."

Posted by Bittle at 08:36 AM

January 09, 2007

Fartinosis

Nashville, Tennessee, January 9, 2007:

It is considered polite to light a match after passing gas. Not while on a plane.

An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger identified as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The flight from Dallas to Newark (NJ) was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches and "a horrendous smell of busted ass," said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. Although pressure in the cabin did not change, oxygen masks were deployed for passenger relief.

"We had to breathe," said an unidentified female passenger on the flight. "That dude floated the mother of all air biscuits."

All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and fumigated with floral scents.

"It really stunk," said one passenger, who opted to remain anonymous. "It smelled like boiling hog fat was poured onto a rotting whale carcass."

The FBI questioned Ron who admitted he struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. He said he had an unspecified medical condition called "Fartinosis."

No such disease exists.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for Ron, as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up, but I wouldn't put it past this guy."

The flight took off again, but Ron was not allowed back on the plane. He was not charged in the incident, but had to find his own way home to New Jersey.

Posted by Bittle at 04:19 PM