March 30, 2007

Poem

I realized too late that when I told my
wife I may give her something exotic I
picked up on my business trip to Thailand,
she probably thought I meant a gift.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 02:13 AM

March 28, 2007

Poem

While I was on Spring Break, a random girl
on the beach showed me her boobs. I was very
pleased with myself until I realized I could
have saved nearly $1000 by blowing off the week
in Florida and just getting a lapdance instead.

(Tim Grebos) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:01 AM

March 27, 2007

Poem

One Man's Fish

One man's fowl
Is another man's fish
A skinny girl, that's
My ideal dish
I like them thin
And I like them lean
Because it takes a waif
To keep me keen
A skinny girl that's
My ideal treat
For the nearer the bone
The sweeter the meat

- Paul Curtis

Posted by Bittle at 08:26 AM | TrackBack

March 22, 2007

Poem

I still think one of mankind's greatest
inventions is that little brown strip
that appears in the bottom of my underwear
to tell me when it's time to wash them.

(Michael F.) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 05:09 AM

March 21, 2007

Death at 30,000 Feet

London, England, March 21, 2007:

A first-class passenger on a flight from New Delhi to London awoke find the corpse of a woman who had died in the economy cabin being placed in a seat next to him, British Airways said Tuesday. The economy section of the flight was full, and the cabin crew needed to move the woman and her grieving family out of that compartment to give them some privacy, the airline said.

The first-class passenger, vacationing American politico Ron, told the London Times newspaper that he was passed out during his flight from India and woke up when the crew placed the dead woman in an empty seat near him.

"I had just been upgraded to first class (see Relief at 30,000 Feet) and my complementary cocktails had set in. I didn't have a clue what was going on. The stewards just plonked the body down without saying a goddamn thing. I remember looking at this frail, sparrow-like woman and thinking 'Oh, great...she's old and sick,'" the newspaper quoted Ron as saying. "When I asked what the hell was going on, I was shocked to hear she was dead."

British Airways said in a statement that about ten passengers die each year in flight and that while each situation is dealt with on an individual basis, safety is paramount.

"The deceased must not be placed in the galley or blocking aisles or exits, and there should be clear space around the deceased," the statement said. "The wishes of family or friends traveling with the deceased will always be considered, and account taken of the reactions of other passengers."

Because there was space in the first class cabin, that "allowed the family members traveling with the deceased some level of privacy in their grief," the airline said.

"We apologize to passengers in the first cabin who were distressed by the situation -- our cabin crew were working in difficult circumstances and chose the option that they believed would cause the least disruption," the statement said.

David Learmount, a former pilot and cabin crew member who now writes about the aviation industry for Flight International magazine, said that each airline has to deal with the relatively rare situation on an individual basis. He said that diverting the flight would be an unusual move, and that the captain would be consulted before the crew acted.

"Personally, I think they did the thing that was the best thing to do," he said. "Really, you want as much as possible to isolate the person.

"It's an isolated incident. It's not as if it happens every day, but you do have to take in people's sensibilities when it does happen."

Ron concluded: "The one time I get to fly first class and the airline puts the corpse of some old coot next to me. F*ckin' great. I'd better get some good [expletive] from British Air for this."

Posted by Bittle at 08:26 AM

March 19, 2007

Relief at 30,000 Feet

New Delhi, India, March 19, 2007:

Air India apologized to an American passenger who said he wasn't allowed to use the restroom during a two-hour flight and ended up urinating in an air-sickness bag.

Vacationing Ronatarian Party leader Ron said he had five "really big beers" at the Pune, India airport. While on a flight to New Delhi on March 17 he wanted to use the cabin restroom.

The captain had declared it off-limits during the short flight because a light wasn't working.

Ron said he had used the cabin restroom before the plane departed but had to go again and finally reached for the air-sickness bag.

"It was like I had no choice," Ron told The Times of India, which posted the story on its website Monday. "I guess that's what you get for celebrating St. Patrick's Day in India."

No other passengers noticed Ron using the bag, but a flight attendant asked him about it and told the captain, who called airport police.

Ron was questioned and took a taxi to his New Delhi hotel.

The airline immediately sent him a letter of apology and a flight upgrade, Air India spokeswoman Oona Likhyani said Monday.

She said Air India decided to go ahead with the flight and get the light fixed in New Delhi, rather than delaying it or canceling it for repairs.

"For such a short flight, we really felt we were trying to inconvenience the least number of passengers possible by operating that flight," Likhyani said.

Posted by Bittle at 04:40 PM

March 15, 2007

Shark Attack!

Sydney, Australia, March 15, 2007:

A man who caught a 4-foot shark with his bare hands off an Australian beach said on Wednesday he only tried the feat because he was drunk on vodka.

Vacationing American Ron was fishing off a jetty at Louth Bay, a town on South Australia state's Eyre Peninsula 870 miles west of Sydney, when he spotted the bronze whaler shark swimming in the shallows, the Australian Broadcasting Corp. reported.

"I just snuck up behind him, and eventually I went for the big grab and I fluked it and got him," Ron said.

"He was just thrashing around in the water...starting to turn around and try to bite me and I thought 'well, it's amazing what vodka does'," Ron said.

The shark bit a hole in Ron's jeans, but he was uninjured. His trademark mustache was also kept clear of any harm.

"It's not something I'd recommend to do. When I sobered up I thought about it and I said, 'I'm a bit of an idiot for doing it'," Ron said.

Many species of sharks are common in Australian waters, and there are an average of 15 shark attacks per year in the country -- roughly one person each year is killed by a shark.

Posted by Bittle at 07:39 AM

March 14, 2007

Poem

It's never encouraging when you
ask your parents to tell you about
when you were born and they simply
reply, "Mistakes were made...."

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:48 PM

March 07, 2007

Poem

My mother always said, "Why buy the cow
when you can just marry a hot girl, knock her
up and get her lactating and hey, free milk!"

(Ross Brown) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 02:45 AM

March 06, 2007

Ain't That a Kick in the Head

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 6, 2007:

Two packages containing human body parts -- including a penis and part of a head -- meant for a medical research lab instead were delivered to a local residence.

The body parts, sent from China, were mistakenly dropped off Monday at Ronatarian Party Headquarters by a DHL express driver who believed the bubble-wrapped items were pieces to a table.

"Brad started to unwrap one and said, 'This is strange, it looks like a flaccid penis,'" Ronatarian leader Ron said.

The second package contained most of a human head -- ears and all.

"Something wasn't right," Ron continued. "I thought it was a prank or maybe somebody in the political world was trying to send me a message, you know? Like always, I took charge of the situation."

The Ronatarians called Jersey City police, after apparently playing soccer with the head for over an hour. The police determined the preserved body parts were for medical research, Lt. Roger Parent said.

Authorities believe 28 more bubble-wrapped human organs and body parts could be dispersed across the country. Two of five packages headed to the northern New Jersey lab broke open, scattering their contents.

"There will definitely be a shock to people if they see these things, but there is no hazard to health," Parent said.

DHL is investigating whether it should have shipped the body parts and how the packages were dispersed, spokesman Robert "Fresh" Mints said.

Posted by Bittle at 05:41 AM

March 05, 2007

Poem

Word to the wise: If it involves a meat
thermometer and your rectum, it's
probably not a real teleportation device.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:30 PM

March 01, 2007

Poem

If Mother's Day brings out flower-sellers on
every corner, why is no one on the curb on
Father's Day, selling porn, beer and power tools?

(Dan Weckerly) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:49 AM