August 29, 2012

Poem

If I were Superman, I think I'd just fight
for truth, justice and the Canadian way.
That seems easier. All I'd ever have to do
is break up an occasional hockey fight, and
make sure criminals say everything twice.
Once in English, and then again in French.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:20 PM

August 24, 2012

Q: What, if any, is Ron's affiliation with The Ronettes?

A: The pop group known as The Ronettes consisted of Veronica Bennett (later known as Ronnie Spector), her older sister Estelle Bennett, and their cousin Nedra Talley. They were produced by the legendary and enigmatic Phil Spector. Spector was always searching for new musical acts, gimmicks, and stylish influences. With The Ronettes, he found an all-girl trio with big voices and great elegance. At the same time he started experimenting with sculpting his facial hair. He felt a mustache gave him mystical powers. When he started writing and producing hit records, he stuck with the look. In 1963 The Ronettes soared to #2 in the Billboard 100 with "Be My Baby." Other popular songs soon followed and climbed the charts.

Phil and Veronica married in 1968 and the influence of Phil's mustache crossed genders when the band needed a public relations boost. The girls did a famous photo shoot sporting mustaches, but the look did not help the group regain its past successes.

However, Veronica was very moved by her facial hair and decided to change her name to Ronnie Spector. In a late 1970's Rolling Stone interview, she said that she "always loved the name Ron. Phil turned me on to it. He turned me on to lots of things. Being a 'Ron' or a 'Ronette' was like living a wonderful dream."

When marital troubles began to afflict the Spectors, Phil started to philander and several women have come forward in later years claiming their children were sired by him. Ron is rumored to be one of Spector's spawn, but both men refuse to take paternity tests.

According the same Rolling Stone article, Phil Spector was "always obsessed with the name Ron...He even gave [an unidentified] Ron credit on several records." No one knows why Spector did this, but it seems prescient in retrospect. Great art should have something of Ron in them. Ron received co-writing credits on The Ronettes' "Do I Love You?" record even though he was not yet born.

So there are links between Ron and The Ronettes, but all are unconfirmed and/or unsubstantiated.

Posted by Bittle at 11:13 AM

August 20, 2012

Poem

I was bitten by a radioactive grandmother
and turned into Doily-Man. My costume is
disgustingly see-through and my superpower
seems to be mega-hyper sexual abstinence.

(James Knowles) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 01:30 AM

August 13, 2012

Beaver!

Pine Plains, New York, August 13, 2012:

The founder of the Ronatarian Party -- who was attacked by a rabid beaver while swimming in the Delaware River -- is recovering. The somewhat-charismatic leader of the radical political party was on a wilderness retreat with his top advisors to discuss his current presidential candidacy when the incident took place.

The New Jersey Spew reports that Ron was swimming in eastern Pennsylvania on August 10 when a beaver swam through his legs and bit him in the chest.

The animal then bit him in the leg, buttocks, arm, hand, and torso -- leaving his trademark mustache undamaged. The creature got tangled in Ron's considerable body hair before the politico managed to grab it and hold its jaw closed.

One Ronatarian higher-up pulled Ron to shore, where he tossed the beaver away from him. The Ronatarians then used empty liquor bottles and beer kegs to kill the animal.

A doctor confirmed the beaver had rabies a day after the attack.

Dutchess County health officials say a rabid beaver attack is unusual. They added that Ron was treated immediately and should recover quickly from the ordeal. He is convalescing at his home in Jersey City, New Jersey.

Posted by Bittle at 10:40 AM

August 06, 2012

Swingin' Dead Cat

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 6, 2012:

Radical American politician Ron has found an unusual way to pay his last respects to his pet cat Bennett, who died after being hit by a car. He turned the feline into a helicopter -- or a quadrocopter to be precise -- with four rotors, each fitted to one outstretched paw. Now the dead tabby is flying around with a startled look on his face, provoking amusement and shock in equal measure.

"The Bennettcopter, half cat, half machine," Ron wrote with spraypaint on a highway overpass in northern New Jersey. "Named after a dude I once knew. He was killed by a car...the cat, not the dude. After a period of mourning he received his propellers posthumously."

Ron adds, rather defensively: "For the cat lovers: It's a tanned hide, just like the shoes you're wearing."

Ron got help from his lifelong companion and lackey Brad to mount the rotor blades in a way that ensures maximum flight stability on what surely must be the world's first feline helicopter. A plastic undercarriage allows dignified landings.

A grainy video on shows Bennett's first rather unsteady test flight in March, during which he hovered a few inches from the ground to the sound of cheers and laughter from an unseen crown of onlookers. Since then, his flying has improved and he travels at considerable speed, emitting a loud buzz and steering with a fin attached to his tail.

"Soon to be flying with the birds. Oh, how he loved the birds," wrote Ron, whose dynamic taxidermy experiment has become a YouTube hit.

The reaction has been predictably mixed, though. One viewer called AntoineShammy commented: "Ron, you're just perverted, but no artist!" Fartstein99 writes: "This is sick. Lay the poor cat to rest." But EddyP94 writes: "HAHAHA, I can't stop laughing! That's hilarious!" MPaulinoGosh even questioned the engineering parameters of the flying machine: "What's the drag coefficient of that furry feline?" In a pun-filled post, Sepelicious wrote: ''I loved it. It was better than 'Cats' [the musical]."

Animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) told msnbc.com: "It's a macabre way to honor a beloved family member. These Ronatarians are unstable!"

Bennett is currently being exhibited at an Amsterdam gallery as part of the KunstRAI art festival. Ron plans to fit more powerful motors to his paws at a later stage. "I'm gonna supercharge that pussycat…Give him some real power like my Camaro's got."

Ron's Camaro is currently on blocks and not in running order.

Posted by Bittle at 04:38 PM