Beaver!

Pine Plains, New York, August 13, 2012:

The founder of the Ronatarian Party -- who was attacked by a rabid beaver while swimming in the Delaware River -- is recovering. The somewhat-charismatic leader of the radical political party was on a wilderness retreat with his top advisors to discuss his current presidential candidacy when the incident took place.

The New Jersey Spew reports that Ron was swimming in eastern Pennsylvania on August 10 when a beaver swam through his legs and bit him in the chest.

The animal then bit him in the leg, buttocks, arm, hand, and torso -- leaving his trademark mustache undamaged. The creature got tangled in Ron's considerable body hair before the politico managed to grab it and hold its jaw closed.

One Ronatarian higher-up pulled Ron to shore, where he tossed the beaver away from him. The Ronatarians then used empty liquor bottles and beer kegs to kill the animal.

A doctor confirmed the beaver had rabies a day after the attack.

Dutchess County health officials say a rabid beaver attack is unusual. They added that Ron was treated immediately and should recover quickly from the ordeal. He is convalescing at his home in Jersey City, New Jersey.

Posted by Bittle at August 13, 2012 10:40 AM