April 27, 2010

Playing (with) Possum

Short Hills, New Jersey, April 27, 2010:

Police say they initially charged a New Jersey man with public drunkenness after he was seen trying to resuscitate a long-dead opossum along a highway. State police Trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw local politico Ron, of Jersey City, near the animal Monday along John F. Kennedy Parkway in Short Hills.

The trooper says one person saw Ron kneeling before the animal and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance. He says another saw Ron attempting to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Levier says the animal already had been dead a while.

The charges were dropped after police took Ron to the station for an education about interacting with dead animals...and several cups of black coffee.

Ron was released after sobering up. He refused to comment for this story -- one he called "absurdly [expletive] ridiculous!"

Posted by Bittle at 06:14 AM

April 15, 2010

Tax Day Deductions

St. Louis, Missouri, April 15, 2010:

It's time that mustached Americans got in on the stimulus money. At least that's the proposal being pushed by tax policy professor John Yeutter and the St. Louis-based American Mustache Institute. The group dubs itself "the world's only facial hair advocacy and research organization."

On the eve of the deadline to file income tax returns, the professor and the AMI are pushing for a $250 annual tax incentive for people with mustaches. The funds would be used for mustache grooming supplies.

The AMI said the current system "provides a disincentive for the clean-shaven to enjoy the mustached American lifestyle."

The AMI said the stimulus money could be used not only for trimming instruments but for wax, combs, and mirrors.

As a mustached American and promoter of facial hair, Ron is an advocate of this proposed tax incentive. "Hell, I'll use that [incentive]. That sh*t costs money," he said.

Ron urges all other Americans with facial hair to support the AMI's movement.

Note: The Ronatarian Party advocates mustache growth, but that is not its sole purpose. It's main objective is to elect Ron to the highest office in the land: President of the United States of America.

Posted by Bittle at 09:23 AM

April 12, 2010

Q: What is the sound of one Ron clapping?

A: Ron feels that applause is beneath him. He considers it self-inflicting manual labor. He avoids it at all costs.

But he does appreciate being on the receiving end of clapping. His rallies are testaments to that...the people love him! They show their love through applause, alcohol, and the tossing of undergarments.

Posted by Bittle at 02:50 PM

April 09, 2010

Locked In

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 9, 2010:

Drunk in a bar and can't get out...who you gonna call? Police.

That's what Ron did in Jersey City. The New Jersey Spew reported Ron called 911 Thursday and said he'd gotten drunk and passed out at Bennett's Karaoke Bar the night before, awakened, and had "a few more" -- then couldn't get out of the bar, which was closed.

Officers tapped on the door Thursday afternoon to guide the Ronatarian Party founder and leader to it so he could let them in to help him.

The bar owner said Ron is a "solid regular" who lives nearby. The barkeep stayed with him until 7:30 a.m. Thursday, then left figuring Ron would eventually let himself out and go home.

"Boy was I wrong," said the bartender. "That guy almost drank us out of our St. Patty's Day profits!"

Ron is recovering quietly at home; although he hinted at "painting the town tonight."

Posted by Bittle at 11:58 AM