March 26, 2001

Facial Farce

Schoemberg, Germany, March 26, 2001:

More than 250 hairy-faced men gathered in southwest Germany over the weekend for the 10th annual world beard and mustache championships.

Participants from 15 countries were classified in 16 categories, as specified by the Association of German Beard Clubs, including "Emperor" and "Musketeer," for certain kinds of mustaches, and "Garibaldi" and "Verdi" for full beards.

Notables at the event were Jonathan Frakes (aka William Riker on "Star Trek: The Next Generation"), former Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron, Hall of Fame pitcher Rollie Fingers, and cartoon icon Dr. Benton Quest ("Jonny Quest").

Participants had to parade their whiskers in front of a jury and the winners were given trophies at the prize-giving ceremony, which ran into early Sunday morning.

"This has been a wonderful, showcase event," gushed Ron. "Just being in the presence of such great facial hair makes my own mustache want to stand on end."

Ron was at the event as a celebrity guest in the U.S. contingent.
While not an official contestant, Ron's mustache was positively received by all who saw it.

"I really thought there was nothing special about my mustache, but the people here seem to love it," he admitted. "I wish I could have attracted this much attention and support in America during my [presidential] campaign."

Hans-Joachim van Wanrouy, whose six-pointed beard was deemed one of the most creative, said he had spent close to six hours before the competition styling it.

For those whose facial hair fitted into no traditional category, the organizers had a special "freestyle" class, which included curls, points and other unusual shapes.

Ron said that the event was educational as well. "The Germans really know their beards...they offered lectures on grooming tips and styling techniques."

He added, "It really was a perfect affair. If we can grow Brad one of those, it will boost our ratings in the next election."

Posted by Webmaster at 10:29 PM

March 12, 2001

High Voltage

Newark, Delaware, March 12, 2001:

A man survived a 14,000-volt jolt Sunday after touching a railroad power line over a boxcar that he climbed onto in Newark, Delaware.

Former presidential candidate Ron, of New Jersey, was in stable condition Sunday night at Crozer-Chester Medical Center in Upland, Pennsylvania, hospital officials said.

Experts said some victims would not survive such a jolt. "It would take a superhuman to withstand such a rush of electricity," stated Lafayette College electrical engineering professor Hamilton. "I always thought Ron was special...just not in the realm of super-conductivity."

After the incident, Ron and four other men -- two from New Jersey, one from nearby Wilmington, and one from Massachusetts -- were arrested and charged with trespassing for walking on the tracks near Kells Avenue and Manuel Street behind Ivy Hall Apartments.

Aetna Hose, Hook & Ladder Company volunteers rescued Ron from the top of the CSX railroad car shortly before 3 a.m. Sunday.

His left arm and tell-tale mustache were burned severely.

Ron was somewhat conscious and talked a little as he was lowered from the train car and put into the ambulance, according to rescuers, who said this was the third or fourth such incident on the tracks since 1990.

Ron was taken to the emergency room at Christiana Hospital before being transferred to the Upland, Pa., hospital that specializes in severe-burn treatment and mustache restoration.

City police spokesman Sgt. Gerald R. Simpson said Ron was one of five men walking along the tracks about 2:40 a.m.

Students at the nearby University of Delaware often use the tracks as a shortcut, but none of the men involved in Sunday's incident attends UD, police said.

The ever-energetic Ron ran ahead of the group with one of his companions, former vice-presidential running mate Brad, and the two climbed onto a parked railroad car, Simpson said.

"When Ron got onto the roof of the car, he contacted a 14,000-volt power line used by the Amtrak lines," Simpson said. "Must have been tons of sparks flying all around. Hell of a light show, I imagine." Miraculously, Brad was not injured.

In addition to Brad and the injured Ronatarian Party leader, Newark police said they also arrested the three other perpetrators. Their names were not published to maintain Ron's status as a moral beacon to the disenfranchised of the nation. However, all three were labeled as "men dressed as women." All were charged with trespassing, Simpson said.

Conectiv Power Delivery spokesman Vince Jacono said that, although the line involved in Ron's injury does not belong to Conectiv, "it's important for everyone to stay away from overhead wires and substations. ... The results can be serious injury or worse."

Posted by Webmaster at 11:02 PM

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 64 - March 12, 2001

It is several weeks since our last report . Our focus remains upon the Evil Ron Pear. He is now a deformed blob of dark matter hardly resembling his former self. Macintosh Ron and Yellow Delicious Ron appear much the same as before. Their wrinkles are now firm, and they are very light.

This picture to the left shows how much the Ron Pear resembles a Satanic symbol. What does all this mean? Is it possible that the dark energies from the day of evil manifested themselves into the Ron Pear?

Karl Seeler, one of Ron's former professors and mentors, explains:
"Without Evil, Good Ron cannot exist. Likewise, without Good Ron, Evil Ron cannot exist. To analyze this, we must treat Ron as a free body diagram.

"Inside our experiment, we have 2 Ron apples representing the good Ron and one representing evil Ron. Conservation of energy dictates that the evil Ron exerts a force (of evil) equal to the combined forces of good of the other two plus any other outside influential factors."

"We must define equations representing how good and evil pertain to Ron, and balance them. Only then can we determine truly what is happening. Right now there are too many unknowns."

And so the experiments continue. We will continue to consult with our ever growing staff of professionals to solve the great mystery which is Ron.

Posted by Ron at 10:16 PM | TrackBack