Q: Is it true that Ron's upper lip was horribly disfigured in a horrible childhood accident involving Popsicles, a ferret, three snakes and a box of spiders? Could you enlighten us on this issue? Inquiring minds want to know.

A: Yes. Although this sounds like an ordinary urban legend, it's completely true. He has lived with this disfiguring "scar" ever since he joined that Civil War Society back in '87. The incident happened in his tent at Gettysburg while he was waxing his legs before the big battle....

Q: What is the sound of one Ron clapping?

A: Ron feels that applause is beneath him. He considers it self-inflicting manual labor. He avoids it at all costs. But he does appreciate being on the receiving end of clapping. His rallies are testaments to that...the people love him! They show their love through applause, alcohol, and the tossing of undergarments....

Q: What, if any, is Ron's affiliation with The Ronettes?

A: The pop group known as The Ronettes consisted of Veronica Bennett (later known as Ronnie Spector), her older sister Estelle Bennett, and their cousin Nedra Talley. They were produced by the legendary and enigmatic Phil Spector. Spector was always searching for new musical acts, gimmicks, and stylish influences. With The Ronettes, he found an all-girl trio with big voices and great elegance. At the same time he started experimenting with sculpting his facial hair. He felt a mustache gave him mystical powers. When he started writing and producing hit records, he stuck with the look. In 1963 The Ronettes...

Q: Why is it that every single place I go smells like boogers?

A: Check your mustache. If you're not careful about grooming and pruning, it will get caked all over with boogers. Logically, since your plumage is located right below your nose, and your nose is a source of boogers, you will smell these boogers all the time if it is not properly upkept....