Platform

"Come on down, and meet your maker/Come on down, and make the stand." -- "The Stand" by The Alarm, from the album Declaration. So what exactly does Ron stand for? He firmly believes that breakfast cereals aren't just for breakfast anymore. He distrusts baseball players because they use their bats for sport rather than as weapons. He is on a personal campaign to eliminate all of the Burger King restaurants in America. Those are just a few samplings of the many things Ron stands for. He is a leader for the new millennium with a comprehensive plan for tomorrow....

Ron on Agriculture

American agriculture traditionally relied on the family farm. Growing up in the Garden State of New Jersey, Ron had a utopian view of the rundown farmhouses, 14-hour days, rustic equipment, back-breaking labor, minimal pay, and low social standing. In the modern era, the agricultural system has been taken over by a few conglomerates. Ron is confused: "What happened to the family farm? The farmer's daughter? The sheep?" The Freedom to Farm Act (1996) aimed to "get the government out of agriculture." This single piece of legislation has resulted in historically low commodity prices, severe decline in farm income and...

Ron on American Indians

Geronimo. Pocahontas. Chief Jay Strongbow. Sitting Bull. Sacagawea. Tonto. Crazy Horse. That Indian who cried at all of the litter on TV in the 1970s. All of these Native Americans evoke a stirring image of tradition and folklore. Ron wants to embrace that imagery. But Ron does not want the modern American Indian to gamble and drink his life away in scattered backwater communities. These once "noble savages" should assimilate to the modern American (i.e. corporate) culture like everyone else. John Marshall enunciated in 1832 (Worcester vs. Georgia) that an Indian tribe was a political body with powers of...

Ron on Campaign Finance Reform

"I think public campaigns in the United States should be privately financed from the coffers of foreign allies, like France and New Zealand," Ron declared in a 4th of July speech in Latrobe, Pennsylvania. The vested interests of our nation would then be at the hands of our capable foreign allies. "We're not taking PAC money. We're not using soft money. We're going for individual contributions here," explained Ron to a stunned crowd. "We will put America first by letting competitor nations influence our course of actions." Ron expects ample and active participation from other countries for presidential and congressional...

Ron on Children and Youth Issues

"I believe the children are our future/Teach them well and let them lead the way/Show them all the beauty they possess inside/Give them a sense of pride/To make it easier/Let the children's laughter/Remind us how we used to be." These are the words of Whitney Houston's The Greatest Love. If Ron could hold a tune, he would definitely not be singing this song. While bleeding-hearts and child welfare supporters may buy into this crap, Ron is wary of the youth of America. He knows that their skateboarding and Pokemon-doting ways will yield nothing but headaches and boy bands for...

Ron on Corporations

"I want to be President for a very simple reason: the chicks," Ron said to the pro-feminist group Girls with Guns. "But, I also want to create a progressive movement that challenges the concentration of power and wealth in the hands of global corporations who dominate our government, our workplace, our environment, and our sports arenas...Where the hell is Conseco Field anyway?" Small businesses are the backbone of this great nation. As President, Ron will work to strengthen and create new opportunities for small businesses and entrepreneurs. With his radical new plan CUNT -- Corporations Under the Nation's Thumb --...

Ron on Democrats and Republicans

Every year both the Democrats and the Republicans become a worse option to Americans. The two parties are converging more and more into a huge, vested-interest conglomerate and are turning their backs on very important needs of the people. Therefore, we, the Ronatarian Party, are appealing to conservatives, liberals, radicals, junkies, losers, hosers, hookers, dweebs, dorks, chumps, jocks, hackers, slackers, professionals, amateurs, midgets, Zamkoffs, women, cartoonists, side-show freaks, and all of the other people who feel they are losing their political say in this country. Ron has taken it upon himself to be the "Voice of the Disenfranchised", or...

Ron on Disabilities

The Americans With Disabilities Act is now ten years old, but it has only just begun to correct the fears that have kept people with disabilities in isolation throughout history. "Everyone knows a good Helen Keller joke," quipped Ron at Memorial Hospital in Des Moines, Iowa. Disabled people are still too often refused access to health care, transportation, school, housing, and jobs. Ron believes that all Americans should have the opportunity to learn and develop skills, make macaroni pictures with glue and paper, choose where to live, and participate in community life. Russell, a man with no arms and...

Ron on Fair Trade

"Fair trade" is a misnomer to Ron. He thinks that the current monopoly patents are just trying to convert all sorts of natural knowledge into intellectual property. Ron is not an intellectual, so he is confused by this. All of the rest he considers corporate-managed trade. "It's a bulls--t mentality!" Ron lectured to unemployed rodeo clowns in Wyoming. "We have loggers cut down the forests to make toothpicks and bowling pins and let the future generations worry about the repercussions." Multi-national corporations are depleting our renewable resources with no plans for replenishing them. And we simply let them. The World...

Ron on Foreign Policy

The United States expends huge amounts of personnel and money in preparing for war. But the U.S. is not rigorously attempting to mediate current scenarios or anticipating preventable conflicts. "Preventive Diplomacy" is a slogan Ron is promoting on his ticket. Ron finds it amazing that any discussion of foreign policy is usually about current hot spots, instead of asking, "How did we get into this god-forsaken situation in the first place?" What could have been done to avoid it? Ron will hire historians to his staff so he can learn from mistakes and successes from the past. In this...

Ron on Gays and Lesbians

"I think fags have the right to a civil union," Ron stated to an (unarmed) NRA group in Redneck Hall in Mobile, Alabama. "I believe homosexuals should be given equal rights, equal fitted tights, and equal responsibilities" as heterosexuals in America. "...and let's not forget transsexuals, hermaphrodites, and transvestites," Ron warned the alert audience. Ron agrees wholeheartedly with the domestic decision made in Vermont and the recent international decision made in The Netherlands regarding same-sex unions. There are multiple economic and humanitarian reasons for these renderings. Same-sex partnerships should be treated as traditional opposite-sex unions both in the eyes of...

Ron on Gun Control

In America, you have people who are killed or injured with guns and you have people who killed them (or injured them trying). There is a difference between these two peoples: ignorance. How do you marry the two? "A shotgun wedding!" quipped Ron at a rally for NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association). Ron has a broad three-point plan to satisfy the scared (i.e. unarmed) citizens and appease the National Rifle Association (NRA). First of all, arm the entire American populace with guns. Second, license and register all gun owners (i.e. the American public). Third, turn around and...

Ron on Healthcare

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the United States is ranked 37th among nations of the world regarding the quality of health care. Western European countries started providing for their people after our American troops had to liberate them from the shackles of Nazi occupation. The generous Marshall Plan gave them money from our deep U.S. pockets to leap ahead of us in the health care realm. "While we continue to blow away those f---ing Europeans financially, standard of living-wise, and in total number of cases of 'going postal', I think we could learn something from those bastards...

Ron on Immigration

"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" These are the words of Emma Laszuras, inscribed on the Statue of Liberty in New York. Ron would re-write this "drivel" if he had the chance (i.e. were President). At a meeting of the Step-Daughters of the War of 1812, Ron stated emphatically that "while immigrants tend to be stinky, steal state secrets, and cook ungodly concoctions, they have a place in our society."...

Ron on Labor

The draconian labor laws in this supposed great land of ours make it extremely difficult for U.S. workers to engage in trade union organization and collective bargaining. "[They] are even more obstructive than the labor laws in friggin' Canada!" Ron told a group of retired nurses in Florida last Spring. "North of the border, those goddamn Canucks are forming unions like they're going out of style." Ron remarked that in western Europe, workers don't have to collectively bargain for a lot of worker benefits. For example, whether you are unionized or not, you get a month's paid vacation in...

Ron on Living Wage

In 1941, Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis wrote: "We can have a democratic society or we can have the concentration of great wealth in the hands of the few. We cannot have both." Ron feels that the concentration of power and wealth is not headed in the right direction in the 21st Century. Top CEOs are making over 400 times the entry-level salary in their own company. "My f---ing boss makes more than God!" Ron raged at a local church function. "Why can't I do less work for more goddamn money!?!" Ron strongly believes that the rule of the rich...

Ron on Political Representation

Since Ron is running an independent grassroots campaign, he believes strongly in individual political representation. "In the United States, we need to create an in-your-face discussion about proper political representation," he avowed, "and I'm going to hold my breath until we get it." Some 50 seconds later, after being revived from fainting, Ron amended his ultimatum. "We will go through appropriate channels to achieve political reform, if that interests anybody."...

Ron on Presidential Debates

To shut out an illegitimate third-party candidate like Ron from the major presidential debates is to limit the competitive democratic process on which the American electoral system is supposedly built. To butcher a Bible verse -- if Ron cannot go to the debates, then bring the debates to Ron. Ron is proposing a new format of presidential debate called "SLOPPY Ts" -- or State and Legislative Oratory Presidential PrimarY Talks. Ron is betting that SLOPPY Ts would be appreciated everywhere, but only if packaged nicely and properly supported. "If only every citizen of voting age could immerse himself headlong...

Ron on Racism

Ron was born and raised in New Jersey. He grew up observing New Jersey's police force using a technique called "racial profiling" to single out citizens on the basis of race and ethnicity. He was raised to think nothing of police officers making special traffic stops on grounds that certain citizens fit a special "profile" of the population, which in the eyes of the police is "more likely to commit certain crimes." He is battling himself for the answer. On one hand, he has always seen it that way, but on the other hand, he realizes it could be...

Ron on Sustainable Energy

Ron proposes a total transformation of the current American energy policy and looks toward a renewable energy program. His program, "Green Eggs & Energy", is founded on wind and solar energy, cow dung incinerators, a "wave-motion" turbine, and reckless nuclear experimentation. Ron strongly feels that a renewable energy strategy is necessary and that the nation must diminish its dependence on existing fossil fuel technology. "I would close the loophole that allows sport utility vehicles to avoid the same emissions standards as cars," Ron declared at a Hummer rally. As for the topic of global warming, Ron believes that cutting...

Ron on Taxation

Ron feels that "Taxation Without Representation" is a fair policy for 21st Century America. He will set tax rates according to mood. When told that this policy may make him some enemies in Congress, he had a hearty belly laugh. This good mood led him to install the initial/election tax rate at 42.6 percent. He has made the Camaro Club on New Jersey tax exempt, also....

Ron on Tort Reform

For the past two decades, the tobacco, condom, auto, petroleum, firearm, and breast implant industries, and their insurers, have fought to limit peoples' rights to sue and to further limit their own liability for the damages they cause innocent victims. Ron hates that. Aimed in the direction of Congress and the state legislatures, this coalition of insurance companies and corporate defendants' lobbies has relied on misinformation and anecdotal evidence to attack and destroy decades of slow but careful progress made by state courts respecting the physical integrity of human beings against harm. Ron wants to restore the rights of injured...

Ron on Whaling

Ron is sick and tired of people supporting the whales. With the girth of the American waistline growing, Ron feels it is wrong to ignore the whale issue. "Too many fat chicks are ruining my ideals," he said recently at a fundraiser for the group Liberators of Americans with Rotund Derrieres (LARD). "Who will trim the waistline of America?" Ron asked his crowd rhetorically. "Bush? Gore? Tipper Gore? No, me." Asked how exactly he would reach the goal of what he termed "a thinner America", Ron became belligerent and stormed off-stage to a chorus of Arsenio-type hooting. LARD was nice...

Ron on Women's Issues

Ron has known for almost thirty years that feminism is, by its nature, not "special interest" politics. Feminism, as a (w)hole, is a consistent and inclusive political and ethical stance. Women come in all hair colors -- and those who dislike their natural color fuel the multi-billion dollar hair-coloring industry. Ron likes redheads. Redheads typically don't like Ron, but neither do brunettes or blondes. Women tell Ron that they bear "the greatest burden", suffer "like, you know, the most", are consistently underpaid, get sexually harassed on the job, are constantly told to "drop 10-20 pounds", are denied promotions, and are...

Ron on the Death Penalty

Statistically, the death penalty is severely discriminatory against minorities and the feeble-minded. Ron is OK with this. His New Jersey upbringing has hardened his skin to bleeding-heart issues such as this. Fact: It costs more to pursue a capital case toward execution than it does to have full life imprisonment without parole. Ron wants to change this. His initiative "Send the Juice" implements ways to cut the time between a capital conviction and the subsequent execution. By bypassing the wasteful appeals process and any sort of humanitarian prison conditions, Ron feels that the prisoner will just "give up all...

Ron on the EnviRonment

From his pioneering work to raise awareness of the problems of global warming to protecting and saving America's natural treasures, Ron has an imaginary track record of action and leadership in protecting our environment. Ron is committed to a new era of environmental protection if elected President. The outdated current federal model of "mandate, regulate, and litigate" needs to be modernized. While it has yielded benefits in the past, it encourages Americans to do the bare minimum to protect the environment and fails to reward innovation or positive results. Ron alleges to having a plan to promote more livable...

Ron on the Media

"The media is an evil concentration of power spewing its venomous views of the world on an ignorant America," Ron stated at a gathering of media moguls in July. "The voice of the people is not being expressed!" Ron feels that the only good news/information comes from cable access television programs like "What's that smell?" and "Gordon's chum and bait" (Channel 4 in Lakehurst, NJ). Ron feels that it is wrong to have one company owning 500+ radio stations, whereas before 1996 (with the passing of the Telecommunications Act) it was illegal to own more than 12. Six major media...

Ron on the Military Budget

Thirty to forty U.S. troops are stationed in Europe and East Asia, fighting in bars, sustaining local prostitution rings, and learning to "ask, not tell". Ron queried to the League of Non-Voters, "Couldn't we afford to use these people elsewhere?" Ron's plan is to eliminate the U.S. military and hire a mercenary militia comprised of Swiss, Amish, and Quaker forces. The money saved would be a boon to the economy. This falls under Ron's military plan to "wage peace" on dastardly foreign dictators like Tony Blair. These special forces would wage peace with rigorous pacifism, mediation, and no weaponry....