Poem

A Drunk's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottles of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came loud a yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...

And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.

Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name:
"On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain't got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!

Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, we've still got a long haul!"
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.

And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.

He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didn't fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.

Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.

But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
"Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!"

Poem

Momma always said "Life is like a box
of chocolates," but so are hookers.
The good ones always cost more, and sometimes
you get a surprise when you unwrap them.

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

Poem

I love the traditions that go with
holidays: Thanksgiving means turkey,
Independence Day means fireworks,
Halloween means going to the office
as "Drunk Naked Guy" and All Saints
Day means looking for a new job.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

It's been three days since I binged
at the Mexican restaurant, and I sense
I'm suffering from Post Fartum Depression.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

They say 2.3 percent of adults still have
problems wetting the bed. I can't imagine why,
because it's a really easy thing to do.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com