As I ponder all the life-changing wonders of
impending fatherhood, one thought seems to be
foremost in my mind: "Well, so much for my
traditional Saturday morning tequila benders."
(Allen Lindsey) @ruminate.com
I just got slapped with my seventh sexual harassment
suit this year. Man, I tell ya, the broads in
my office -- great racks, no sense of humor.
(Allen Lindsey) @ruminate.com
This morning I woke up with the ugliest,
skankiest barmaid yet. Damn those
Jedi and their stupid mind tricks!
(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com
I was so enraged by my doctor keeping me
waiting endlessly -- and then showing no remorse --
that I decided to mess up his remaining schedule
by trashing my exam room before I left. When I come
back for my follow-up next week, I'd like to see
ol' Dr. Proctologist try to top that!
(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com
My sexual performance really isn't what
it ought to be, but I'm too embarrassed
to talk to anyone about it. I sure wish
someone would send me e-mail with
info on how to correct the situation.
(Andrew Kennedy) @ruminate.com
I don't think I would ever steal bread,
even if my family were starving. Not
for any moral reason, but simply because
I wouldn't want to risk having to admit
on any future job applications that I
was once arrested for pinching a loaf.
(Scott E. Frank) @ruminate.com
All over China, parents tell their children
to stop complaining and to finish their
quadratic equations and trigonometric
functions because there are sixty-five million
American kids going to bed with no math at all.
(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com
I've met this beautiful, blonde, Swedish girl in
an Internet chat room. I know there are a lot of
phonies out there who claim to be something they
aren't, but I'm pretty sure she's the genuine article.
Though I am surprised that someone who lives in
Stockholm would be so depressed over a Packers loss.
(Pat Sajak) @ruminate.com
To set the mood, I cranked up Outkast's "(I Love)
The Way You Move" and sat back to enjoy the show --
though at that point the guys from Allied Van Lines
took noticeably less care with my boxes.
(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com
Admitting you have a problem is the
first step toward getting medicated for it.
(Jim Evarts) @ ruminate.com