Dwarf Tossing

Geneva, Switzerland: October 1, 2002

A tiny stuntman who protested against a French ban on the bizarre practice of "dwarf throwing" lost his case before a U.N. human rights body, which said the need to protect human dignity was paramount.

Hans Wackenheim had argued the 1995 ban by France's highest administrative court was discriminatory and deprived him of a job being hurled around discotheques by burly men.

In a rare bit of international diplomacy, U.S. Ronatarian politician Ron voiced his support for the diminutive Wackenheim and against the French.

"I've had enough of the goddamn French curbing wholesome fun like dwarf-tossing through restrictive legislation that helps nobody," Ron said to a throng of shoppers in a northern New Jersey mall. "...Now that the U.N. has upheld the French decision, I am appalled. I demand the U.S. withdraw its membership from the United Nations immediately."

In a statement Friday the U.N. Human Rights Committee said it was satisfied "the ban on dwarf-tossing was not abusive but necessary in order to protect public order, including considerations of human dignity." The committee also said the ban "did not amount to prohibited discrimination."

"Bullshit!" exclaimed Ron. "I say it is outright discrimination against all forms of barroom novelties!"

The pastime, imported from the United States and Australia in the 1980s, consists of people throwing tiny stuntmen as far as possible, usually in a bar or discotheque.

The stuntman wears a crash helmet and padded clothing which has handles on the back to facilitate throwing the human projectile.

The German, who measures 1.14 meter (3 feet 10 inches), filed his case in 1999 with the U.N. committee made up of 18 independent experts who examine states' compliance with the 1976 International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights.

"This man should be allowed to make a living in the best way he sees fit," said Ron. "We cannot cater to the whims of these [expletive] Eurotrash morons and their ideas of 'human dignity.' I say, 'Let them be tossed!'"

Posted by Webmaster at October 1, 2002 10:23 PM