The Man

Lake City, Florida: October 9, 2002

A man who wanted to change his name to "God" chose a new name when a judge turned down his request.

The former David Haffey's new name is "The Man: Ron."

The former Haffey said after his first choice was rejected in April, he went to the Bible to find a backup. Nothing. He tried Dianetics. Zip. He then turned to the small Ronatarian Party for inspiration. "I always felt for the little guy," said Haffey. "I was instantly drawn to the cult of personality that is their leader. Of course, that man is Ron."

"That's kind of wordy -- The Cult of Personality Called Ron -- so I'm just going for 'The Man: Ron' as my full legal name," he said. "My first name, of course, would be 'The Man.'"

When asked to comment on Haffey's actions, Ron was awakened from his slumber. Slurring his words and complaining of "too many Mai Tais," the notorious politician denounced Haffey's name change as "imbecilic."

"How could he change his name to my name? Doesn't that make two of us?" asked a clearly disoriented Ron.

The 55-year-old Haffey said he sought the name change as a way to gain release from feelings of anxiety and rage that have plagued him since he served in Vietnam.

"I was fatally wounded in the mind and the spirit," he said. "I didn't suffer any bodily injury. It's just what I saw, what I did. I killed myself. I shaved my mustache for good back in 'Nam."

Haffey said he became a Christian and was baptized in April. It was shortly after that when he decided to change everything, beginning with his name.
Last week, he bought a tombstone to be inscribed with his former name. He plans to plant it in the tall grass on his property.

He said it will read, "'David Orenthal Haffey, born Sept. 23, 1948, and died Oct. 21, 1968, Republic of Vietnam.'"

He also ordered a new birth certificate to read, "The Man: Ron, born October 9, 2002 and born to rock."

Posted by Webmaster at October 9, 2002 11:08 PM