The Little Voters

Taos, NM: November 5, 2000 Ron visited a group of 13 year old ballet students in Taos last Sunday to promote his views on under aged voters. "We're not going to stand for this sh-- anymore! The younger voters are getting discriminated against. Hell, a great percentage of my followers are only 13 and they can't even vote for me." Ron promised the children that if he was elected, penny candy would once again only cost a penny, bedtime and showering would be optional. Of all the children polled, all except for one said that they would vote for...

Amityville Horror Picture Show

Amityville, NY: October 31, 2000 George W. Bush and comedian Jay Leno both poked fun Monday at the Ronatarian Party candidate. And the Republican presidential candidate even donned a Brad Pope Halloween mask for added laughs. NBC's "The Tonight Show'' opened with a sequence in which the show's host was about to light a candle in a big Halloween jack-o-lantern. "You can't do that yet,'' Bush said. He then produced a black marker and painted a large, grotesque mustache above the pumpkin's carved mouth. "Now you can burn it in eulogy." "I think the word you want, governor, is...

Put Up A Stink

Washington, D.C.: October 29, 2000 Ron dismissed the rising concerns of Democrats who say his presidential bid could siphon enough votes from Al Gore to cost Gore the election, saying he would press on with his campaign against the "two corrupt political parties" no matter the outcome. "Both parties must feel the heat," the Ronatarian Party candidate said to the assembled press. "They're slobbering their way through one election after another, breaking one promise after another and thinking they can fool the American people. You can't make chicken salad out of chicken feathers!" In his rumpled navy blue suit...

Oh, the Humanity!

Atlanta, Georgia: October 21, 2000 The photo above depicts the damage done to the Ron tour bus shortly after sunset last Saturday in Georgia. John Tim, the new bus driver, accounts the details of what happened: "We were on our way to Six Flags Great Adventure where we were going to hand out candy to strange children. You see, Ron has this great idea to banish the backwards thinking which the government has forced into everybody's heads that it's wrong to accept candy from strangers. Hell, every kid in America has to live in fear of everybody they meet...