The Ron Apple Experiments, Day 1 - January 9, 2001

This is the original template for the Ron apple experiment - a shiny red Macintosh apple. The true brilliant color doesn't show in this photo, but that's what happens when you get a free digital camera from your ISP.  The Macintosh Ron is off-white in color and damp. Slight brown splotches form after about a half hour. As shown in the photo shown to the left, this Ron has eyes farther apart than an average Ron, adding to its abstract artistic integrity rivaling the works of Picasso. The ambient temperature is 66.7 degrees Fahrenheit with an outdoor temperature of...

The Ron Apple Experiments, Day 2 - January 10, 2001

Ron Yellow Delicious Apple - Day 1 This is a Yellow Delicious apple which serves as our template for the 2nd Ron Apple experiment. Really, it is more yellow that that. You are not looking at a snowball, folks. To my great surprise this apple, once carved, turned out a color and texture very similar to the Macintosh apple from yesterday. This is truly amazing, as they were completely different colors initially! This Ron Apple is not as eyeball mutated as the Macintosh, but still.. what's with those googley eyes? Are we trying to say that Ron has the...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 3 - January 11, 2001

Ron Pear - Day 1 This pear is our third template for the Ron Apple experiments. You may ask why a pear is being used in the apple experiments. In France, a pear is called "poire". A potato is called "pomme de terre" which means "apple of the earth". Since potatoes are squishy like pears, by the transitive property, we can classify the pear in the apple category. We kept some of the dark skin of the pear to use as Ron's hair and 'stache. It is a spectacle of magnificent beauty. The clammy off-white skin is almost identical...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 5 - January 13, 2001

Ron Pear - Day 3 Who's your apple? Certainly not the Ron Pear. He is today's winner for most appealing transformation. His skin is starting to take on a darker color. Perhaps this is a Latino version of Ron. Macintosh Ron Day 5 Yellow Delicious Ron Day 4 There is little change with our other 2 Ron apples. Ron the Macintosh is suffering a little more from his dry skin condition. Yellow Delicious is still the white boy, although a little drier. The Ron apples persistently stare. The way their eyes follow you is spooky. It seems like the...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 6 - January 14, 2001, The Day of Evil

Ron Macintosh - Day 6 It all started around 11pm when the Macintosh Ron started to emanate an evil red glow. This is straight out of the textbooks. There are witnesses who claim that Ron would glow a blood-like red right before a difficult thermodynamics exam. Some call this persona "Ron, God of Misery". Yellow Delicious Ron - Day 5 Ron Pear - Day 4 As if on cue, the other 2 Rons added their own display of blood thirsty rage. Does this show us that Ron is evil or the prince of darkness? Or perhaps Ron was so...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 7 - January 15, 2001

The Ron apple clan seems to have shaken off their red glow and are back to the fun loving, happy Ron apples we have grown to know and love. Macintosh Ron (shown on the left) is looking pretty old these days. He's covered in bumps.and has shrunk from his original height of 3.13" to 2.9". He's textured with brown cracks between the lumps.  Yellow Delicious Ron is still looking young and chipper. He has a few wrinkles, but he's still a white boy. He's shrunken from 2.92" to 2.60". Mr Ron Pear is down from 3.12" to 3.00". He...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 8 - January 16, 2001

Amazingly enough, today the Ron apples went through no transformation at all. None. After all the shrinking, turning red, and wrinkling, it seems like they just decided to stop. The Rons like to play and stack atop each other. After a hard day of playing, the Rons took a nice long nap. How this relates to the world of science is unknown at this point. Tomorrow will be full of excitement when the Ron apples go for a swim in the tub. That's right, no more standing around on a bookshelf. I can foresee some great progress in the...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 9 - January 17, 2001

Today the Ron apples went for a swim in the sink. Ron pear took a drive straight down to the bottom and banged up his forehead a little. We hope it doesn't permanently scar. We did learn that the Ron Pear stays at the bottom while the other two float.   The Ron Apples mastered the backstroke in no time (without any flailing of limbs). What does this mean in the grand scheme of things? Obviously the Ron with the darkest mustache has attained new submergible technology! In time, we will be able to harness the power of Ron to...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 10 - January 18, 2001

For the first time ever, the crappy digital camera captured the true colors of the Ron apples. They spent 24 hours in the freezer with miraculous results. Yellow Delicious Ron and Macintosh Ron came out with a thin layer of frost. Ron Pear, however, turned a dark brown. His skin is almost the same color as his hair. The Ron Pear is losing molecular integrity. He's soft, wet, and squishy after the thaw. Just a few days ago, he was proving himself the dominant male. Now, any fall might bruise him severely. The dent on his forehead is an...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 14 - January 22, 2001

It has been a grueling weekend for the Ron Pear. Shortly after his emergence from the freezer, he could not stand on his own toothpicks. I had to lie him down on his side which caused his head to split open and ooze a clear-like fluid on the ground. He has spent the last couple of days resting on a Bounty towelette. The Ron Pear's skin is beginning to regain its rigidity. His insides remain squishy. I think that in time, he will make a complete recovery. We did learn that Ron becomes an African American when going out...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 24 - February 1, 2001

Many of you have been writing in asking what has become of the Ron Pear.  As you can see, he is still quite sickly. He is approaching acceptable "less-squishy" levels. Nevertheless, Ron Pear has assumed the triangular shape. He has a flat forehead, backhead, and a puss nodule beside his right eye. What does this tell us besides "Ron is not a square"? Does this mean that Ron shouldn't go outside in the winter after taking a shower? No, it is not quite that simple. Notice that 2 out of 3 Rons came out of the harsh conditions unscathed. Gilbert...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 64 - March 12, 2001

It is several weeks since our last report . Our focus remains upon the Evil Ron Pear. He is now a deformed blob of dark matter hardly resembling his former self. Macintosh Ron and Yellow Delicious Ron appear much the same as before. Their wrinkles are now firm, and they are very light. This picture to the left shows how much the Ron Pear resembles a Satanic symbol. What does all this mean? Is it possible that the dark energies from the day of evil manifested themselves into the Ron Pear? Karl Seeler, one of Ron's former professors and...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 94 - April 11, 2001

As you can see, our technology has improved. Thanks to a generous donation from Captain Lou Albano. Our yellow delicous Ron remains the youngest looking of all our experiments. Some say that this apple looks like Brad with a mustache. Could this be one of the missing links in our experiments? Ron macintosh can be seen in all his immaculate beauty here. Note the distinguished wrinkles. Looks a bit like Reagan, doesn't he? Ron insists that he is a vast improvement over Reagan, although he agrees with his support of George Lucas's films. When brightly illuminated, we can truly...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 143 - May 30, 2001

Since Ron's entire political career began with a night of binge drinking, it was only logical to bring them together with a pair of Ron's biggest heros, Bob and Doug McKenzie. What exactly does this particular experiment show us? Here's Joey Buttafuoco to explain: I don't think that putting the Ron apples next to some plastic Bob and Dougs is going to prove much of anything. It sure does look pretty, though. What we really need to do is get somebody who's really really smart really really drunk. Then we can find out what's really going on. Did you...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 235 - August 30, 2001

Today's experiment involved putting the Ron Apples next to a blue monster, a grey kitty cat and a red fish. Results were unstaggering. To liven up the situation, we invited Britney over. You will be astounded by the results... Ahhh.. much better. Sure her music sucks, but the Ron Apples seem to be much happier (especially the Ron Pear who got to cop a feel on the right hooter).  Al Jourgenson of Ministry explains: Although I fully endorse Ron as our ideal presidential candidate, I do not approve of this ditsy skank hanging out with his effigies. It gives...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 323 - November 26, 2001

Today we took a wild turn in the experiments and paired the Ron Apple and Macintosh Ron with the infamous "Glass Eye Cup". Everybody's gotta have one! The possibilities are endless, since you can use it for your glass eye.. AND it's made out of glass. Naturally, the glass eye cup can be used as a shot glass so that you can ingest the booze through your hollow eye socket. No kit is complete without a "Little Noses" nasal whiskey inhaler. Here's some expert opinions from HillyBilly Jim who will explain exactly what we learned from today's experiment: "I...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 688 - November 19, 2002

Everybody has been wondering "what ever happened to the Ron Apple Experiments?" I don't want to give away anything prematurely, but let it be known that a team of scientists in Finland have been working meticulously day and night on the project and we should be getting a report very soon. Here is what the Ron apples look like today. The Ron Pear is looking as ghastly as ever. We see him here with a large knife stuck in his forehead. What does it all mean? Hell if I know. I'm waiting for answers like all of you are....

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 900 - June 17, 2003

A good 212 days have passed since our last Ron Apple Experiment update. The Finlandish scientists sent the Ron apples back to the states for an important phase in experimentation - what happens when you join the Ron Apples with a Mr. T Chia Pet? And what the hell happened to Dr Tracticus Philosophicus Logicus from Finland's profound discoveries? I'm not allowed to disclose too much information, but Dr Tracticus Logicus Philosophicus called me in the middle of the night to express to me the utter urgency of this phase of experimentation - and today I received the Ron...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 901 - June 18, 2003

We're back with another round of experiments. As you can see the Ron Pear has been soaking all night with Mr. T and is ready to proceed. Closer observation shows that the Ron Pear has bloated himself to the extreme - probably in anticipation for what's to come.  Here they are out of the tub, all shined up and ready to rock.  Before the Ron apple's legs fell off, I got this beautiful picture of him before applying the seeds. He's looking a lot like his former self here.   His legs could no longer hold him, so we had...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 904 thru 908 - June 21, 2003 thru June 25, 2003

Due to our interrupted service, we had to group five days together. Saturday was the third day after the seeding, and we have yet to see any plumage. Ron Pear seems to be growing some puffy white spots. An omen of things to come? Why of course! It's now sunday (Day 905) and the Ron Pear continues his development. Notice that his broth is starting to resemble the smooth smooth Beamer. Still, there's no sprouting. The Chia instructions said that we should see something by the fourth day, and that's today. What the bloody hell? Do not despair, because...

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 915 - July 1, 2003

On the 15th day since the Mr T Chia Pet arrived, there is still zero sproutage. To improve the ambiance, we included a couple Buddhas for the picture pose. The T Chia pet hasn't really changed much. He's clammy and slippery and has developed a few more fuzzy white sores, mostly on his right eyebrow. He pities the fool who make him grow green sprouts out his ears. I was hoping for some fantastic plumage by now, but he defies all attempts. Even the plastic bag greenhouse trick does nothing. T don't take no shite from nobody. Here's the...