Ride on the Piels Train

Washington, D.C., August 2, 2007: Amtrak is trying to gin up new business by offering $100 in free alcohol to customers on some overnight trains. The national passenger-rail company is making the unusual offer to promote a new high-end service being offered on a trial basis for certain sleeper-car trips. Members of Amtrak's guest rewards program -- the railroad equivalent of frequent fliers -- can get a $100 per person credit for alcohol between November and January. "I like it," said Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron. "I mean, how else are people supposed to pass the time on the...

Mouse Chips

Newark, New Jersey, August 1, 2007: Frito-Lay Inc. says it will investigate a New Jersey man's "unsubstantiated claim" that he found a deep-fried mouse in a bag of corn chips. Ron, a political wanna-be, said he was snacking on the chips Tuesday when he pulled out the crispy rodent. "Good thing I seen it. I got it all the way up to my mouth," he said. "I felt the fur, I brought it back down and just looked at it and threw it behind my back. I nearly hit Brad square in the face." Frito-Lay was sending a representative...

The Old Man and the Ron

Key West, Florida, July 23, 2007: A white-bearded insurance agent from Florida won the Ernest Hemingway Look-Alike Contest, a highlight of the annual festival honoring the famed writer. Larry Austin defeated 122 other contenders in the competition at Sloppy Joe's Bar, Hemingway's favorite watering hole when he lived in the Keys in the 1930s. The final round was held late Saturday, which would have been Hemingway's 108th birthday. Austin, of Palm Harbor, said he shares Hemingway's fondness for Key West, cats and having a good time, though he has never attempted writing anything except insurance policies. "When they called...

The Sky is Falling!

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 19, 2007: A hunk of metal that crashed through the roof of a home has NASA, Federal Aviation Administration, and New Jersey Transit officials scratching their heads. Ron, who lives in the house, was watching television Wednesday when he heard a crash and saw a cloud of dust. In the next room, he found a hunk of gray metal, 3 1/2 inches by 5 inches, with two hexagonal holes in it. Experts say it's manmade, but nobody can say where it might have come from. New Jersey Transit has railroad tracks about 100 feet...