Courtesy Flush

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 4, 2003 Four years ago, when his mother couldn't bend over to lower the toilet seat, Ron sprang into action. First, he put the seat down for her. Then he began work on a tool to help people with similar dilemmas, a gizmo to assist them in raising and lowering the lid. Ron named his invention the "Courtesy Flush," and once it's manufactured, it will sell for $24.95. "You really have to use it to appreciate it," Ron said. His mother was recovering from a rare double-hemorrhoid surgery when she had her encounter with...
Posted by Ron at March 4, 2003

Man-Based Legislation

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 3, 2003 A wanna-be New Jersey politician suggested to state legislators on Tuesday that it was time to create a commission to study what has gone wrong for the American male. After raising the notion of creating a "Commission on the Status of Men" from the balcony of the New Jersey legislature, Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron told reporters: "Some people might think that it's not a serious issue, but I think it is. It's time we start studying this and find out, 'Are we neglecting our young male population out there? How can we...
Posted by Webmaster at March 3, 2003

N8 Of The North

Helsinki, Finland: February 20, 2003 A beer guzzler's spate of robberies ended abruptly in southeast Finland after he made a getaway jump into the back of a car. Unfortunately for the thief, a police officer investigating the thefts was sitting in front. The trail of break-ins and shoplifting began Feb. 7 when a 30-something-year-old man stole a car and drove it to six different locations, filching beer and cigarettes. "He drove for four days breaking into gas stations and cafeterias," Chief Inspector Harri Pyosti, who headed the investigation, told The Associated Press Thursday. "He couldn't believe he'd jumped into...
Posted by Webmaster at February 20, 2003

Icing

Calgary, Alberta, Canada: February 13, 2003 An American man who climbed naked over the glass at a Calgary Flames hockey game, then tumbled onto the ice and knocked himself out pleaded guilty Wednesday to public drunkenness. Judge Cheryl Daniels ordered Rontarian vice presidential candidate Brad to donate $1,650 to charity and perform 35 hours of community service. He also must undergo alcohol counseling. The judge criticized Brad for what she called a "pathetic spectacle of yourself splayed naked on the ice for six minutes until you were covered." Brad climbed over the glass wearing only red socks during the...
Posted by Webmaster at February 13, 2003