Flying By The Seat Of Brad's Pants

New Jersey Turnpike Exit 13: July 22, 2003 A pair of flying underpants caused a crash on the New Jersey Turnpike when they landed on a driver's face and blocked his view, police said Tuesday. A police spokesman in the north-central town of Elizabeth, New Jersey said one of a group of naked men in a van threw the underwear into Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad's car as they passed it on a busy stretch of one of America's notoriously speedy and congested highways. "The underpants landed on the driver's face, causing him to ram the truck ahead from...

Signs Of Ron

Trenton, New Jersey: July 17, 2003 Ron's signature is more legible than many -- it is just that it appears to be upside down. And this is a problem for the New Jersey Division of Motor Vehicles, which informed the Ronatarian Party founder on Tuesday that his signature was "unacceptable." Ron said a clerk told him he would not get a new driver's license until he agreed to sign it "right." Ron, of Jersey City, has refused, saying it should be up to him, not the DMV, to decide how he writes his name. "F*** 'em," he yelled. He...

Air Ducts

Dayton, Ohio: July 16, 2003 A man who told firefighters he was stuck two days in the air duct of a clothing store was rescued Monday and emerged wearing nothing but socks. The man, identified later only as "N8," told firefighters some people made him disrobe, then threw him into the duct, which is accessible from a roof vent. The people told him to steal from the store, the man said. Firefighter Scott Bennett said the store's owners directed him to a back storage room, where he heard a muffled voice coming from the duct. N8 said he was...

Computer Rage

Jersey City, New Jersey: July 14, 2003 An aspiring New Jersey politician, angry with his running mate's web surfing, faced possible charges on Monday after he threw a computer monitor out of a 3rd-story window, hitting a four-year-old girl below on the head, police said. A police official said the man, Ronatarian Party founder Ron, had gotten angry when he returned to his home/campaign headquarters in Jersey City on Sunday afternoon. His running mate Brad was playing an online computer game and failed to formally greet him, as Party rules stipulate. Later, when Brad declined to let him join...