Fish Sticks

Somerville, New Jersey: March 17, 2003 Local police apprehended world enigma N8 as he torched stolen goldfish with a homemade flame-thrower, police said on Wednesday. They discovered the odd character roasting the fish with a device made from a water pistol, a cigarette lighter, and a stolen gas canister. "It was a lethal contraption. He was jolly lucky it didn't explode in his face," said a police spokesman. Locals had alerted police on Tuesday after noticing a fire in a yard in the small town. Police confiscated the flame-thrower, but were too late to save the goldfish, which were...

Hamster Abuse

Somerville, New Jersey: March 13, 2003: A man caught torturing hamsters he had just bought from a pet store has been sentenced to three years probation. N8 -- the enigmatic man who is wanted for odd crimes worldwide -- was also ordered Friday to undergo substance abuse and psychiatric counseling as part of the plea bargain he reached with Somerset County authorities. Somerville is located southwest of Newark between Plainfield and Raritan along Highway 22 near the Raritan River. What he is doing back in the country -- and in New Jersey -- is a mystery to authorities. In...

Pooper Scooper

Frankfort, Kentucky: March 11, 2003 A man who slipped on dog feces and hurt his ankle while he was shopping at a Petsmart store deserves a jury trial, the Kentucky Court of Appeals ruled Friday. The Boone Circuit Court granted Petsmart a summary judgment in September 2001, and dismissed U.S. vice presidential candidate Brad's claim that store owners were negligent in his fall. The story was kept under wraps for almost two years to protect the semi-public figure's image in the community. Brad was in Frankfort briefly in 2000 campaigning on the Ronatarian Party ticket. Brad had testified in...

Short Fuse

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 10, 2003 Ronatarian Party founder Ron hung his latest hunting trophy on the wall of his party's headquarters and store. (The HQ doubles as a souvenir/sandwich shop when funds are low.) Then he went to jail. The problem was the trophy was Ron's laptop computer. He shot it four times, as customers watched, after it crashed once too often. He was jailed on suspicion of felony menacing, reckless endangerment, and the prohibited use of weapons. He was later released with dropped charges by the sympathetic Jersey City Police. Reports from the precinct indicate that...