My Way

February 19, 2002: Manila, Philippines A New Jersey man was attacked and his compatriot seriously wounded after they sarcastically applauded a student for singing Frank Sinatra's classic "My Way" off-key, according to a newspaper report. The victims have been identified as former American presidential and vice-presidential running mates Ron and Brad (Ronatarian Party). Both have been stabilized at a U.S. base hospital. Details have been withheld to protect those involved. The 21-year-old student felt insulted when the pair clapped after he sang the song at a karaoke parlor in downtown Manila, the reports said Tuesday. Reasons are numerous and...

Deadly Words

February 14, 2002: Galveston, Texas A Texas jury on Wednesday found Thomas Mitchell guilty of aggravated assault for shooting his girlfriend because he thought she was about to say the words "New Jersey." His attorney unsuccessfully sought his exoneration on grounds that certain words set off an uncontrollable rage in Mitchell, who has a history of mental illness. Words that triggered a bad reaction in Mitchell included "New Jersey," "Lafayette," "Camaro" and "Ron," lawyer Maria Mercado told the court. When asked about the pointed parallels between Mitchell's "trigger words" and former presidential candidate Ron, Ronatarian spokesman and former vice...

Strip-O-Ron

January 28, 2002: New Jersey If Ron's mother were a stripper, business would be booming. Except that she is not. After months of lurid phone calls because of a mix-up with her mobile phone number and a strip-o-gram agency, she's had enough. Ron's mother, who lives somewhere in northern New Jersey, says her cellular telephone number was listed in a Yellow Pages advertisement for a Newark strip-o-gram service. She said she kept getting calls asking: "Can you take your clothes off? What type of bra have you got on? Have you trimmed Ron's mustache today?" "First of all I...

Lord of the Rons

January 21, 2002: The Shire The rest of the world may see box office smash "The Lord of the Rings" as a mythical tale of hobbits and goblins, but some young members of the Ronatarian Party hope to use the film to promote their political ideals. "We want to use the event as an incredible volcano to help people understand our view of the world," said vice presidential candidate Brad. Many Ronatarians see the 1,000-page tome by Britain's J.R.R. Tolkien as a celebration of their own values of physical strength, leadership, and integrity. The Ronatarians are taking a page...